Adventures of a Passionista

Relay for LIFE!

My heart is heavy with the intensity of recent loss coupled with the poignant reminder that over the past 40 years of my 55, cancer has robbed me and our family of loved ones... It is an evil thief.

Tonight's Relay for Life I walk in

MEMORY OF:

Aunt Mildred McCallister Merriman , 48   (breast cancer)

Aunt Mary Lou McCallister, 80   (lung, bone cancer)

Grandpa Grover Cleveland McCallister (protate/ bladder cancer)

Father-in-Law William Gehrels (prostate cancer)

Aunt Peggy (Allen) Sandburg,   (lung, brain cancer)

Friend  Abby-Jill  Marie Brauhn, 43   (breast cancer)

 

While heavy hearted for those who have lost their battle, I REJOICE and CELEBRATE LIFE! with those who have battled and OVERCOME this beast!

 I walk in HONOR and SUPPORT of these:

(in alphabetical order)

Jim Carpenter !

Michelle Carugati-Caldwell !

Kay Cherepko!

Barb George !

Karen Guito!

Judy McCallister !

Rachel Miller!

Joe Morales!

Becky Robbins !

Flora Ryan!

Donna Szabo!

Paulette Young!

Roz Varon !

Janice Vigna!

and so, so many others!!!

 

We walk, we relay, we raise awareness and funds - all in Hope and Prayer for a Cure!

 

 

 

Keeping the flame... in the breast cancer fight...

When Abby-Jill moved out of her "earth suit" into her HEAVENLY one and is now TRULY "dancing with the stars" , she left behind a world that was made far better by her contributions to it.

I, for one, who has been proud (first mistake...)of being a "passionate person" in this beautiful "life dance", soon realized that my "passion" paled, by comparison to Abby-Jill's.

My team mate, Scott C., was fund raising and walking in her honor.   I met her in person, during the August 2007 Breast Cancer 3Day.   That day my life was permanently and INSTANTLY marked by her flame which burned deeply into my heart and mind. Passion? I had truly found what "passion" looked like... and it surely didn't look like me.

Debbie (Abby-Jill's sister) TIARA-wearing Abby-Jill (of course!) and their momma - day 3 - 2 miles from finish line!

How can someone who ,1.5 weeks prior, had fluid drained from her lungs, and who - just 5 days earlier had had chemotherapy - walk, laugh, walk, hug, embrace, laugh,  love, walk, giggle, jiggle, dance, dance, dance to the music that was in HER head.

So here's the thing: since having been "torched" (yes "torched" , "sparked by flame") by Abby-Jill, I've, unwittingly, become a Breast Cancer fighter-no-that's-not-a-strong-enough-word...WARRIOR.

Now look: what I didn't see were the tears. the hair loss.  the swelling. the pain, the agony, the horror that this disease caused as it created havoc in her body and consumed her.  Her loved ones did.

I grieve for her loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine - to feel their enormous loss...

But I can feel for them, and I can create a stir to cause awareness and, hopefully, generate just a little bit of concern and compassion from an ambivalent world...

And so,  I wear pink.  It's not because I like pink- pink - is a girly, good-girl, prissy-stinking color. .  More tom-boy than prissy, I'm more fond of chocolate and green and all things "earthy" - ...

Sadly, pink, in our current CULTURE often represents MARKETING MANIA at the expense of the pain, the sorrow, the struggle, the fight for life - that breast cancer causes.

Breast cancer is a killer.

Abby-Jill died at 43.

We were robbed.

Aunt Mildred Kirby (nee McCallister) died at 48.

We were robbed.

Breast cancer is a thief: stealing health and finances and time with loved ones.

There is nothing "pink" about it.

Pink won't bring 'em back.

May we not lose sight of what the battle really is.
May we continue to educate ourselves and refuse to "play in Pink".
Rather, may we use this nasty color to cause a stir, and in doing so, enrage a world that so complacently accepts wigs and drawn-on eyebrows as a way of making a cancer-ridden-patient "feel better"...

May we ask the questions... the difficult questions:

Early detection saves lives?
Early detection of something that is rampant - WHY IS IT RAMPANT?  WHY?
What factors cause cancer to begin with?
What chemicals in our environment, food, water contribute?

Find the contributing factors, then we don't need to "detect" anything...

Sigh.

And as nauseating and distasteful as it is, if wearing stinking PINK will create a stir that causes someone to ask me what's up  - I am willing to wear stinking PINK...

And so I walk - and always, always walking in memory of those who have lost their fight with this ugly disease , in honor of those who battle and in support of those whose lives are personally affected by it.

The flame of life that Abby-Jill had, that was extinguished in her death caused by breast cancer - carries on in those of us who refuse to sit by and allow breast cancer to take all of our loved ones...

without a fight.

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

Boobs(the 3-Day) Dogs, Alzheimers or Stop the Spinning I'm gonna Puke!

The days of running onto the playground, jumping on the red-rusty-in-spots-out-of-balance merry-go-round and running, running, running and then JUMPing on holding on for dear life while the world spins around you - over and over, running & hopping on... and if you're fortunate, another kid shows up & you take turns riding while the other runs and jumps on... or you BOTH run and BOTH jump and can barely catch your breath & you strain/sprain your shoulder because it's spinning faster than you can run and yet you grab on hoping to jump this one.   last.   time.   and it jerks you and you laugh and survive and do it all over again another time, and another day and WEEEEEEEE!!!   

Dang, makes me tired.  I need a breather...

No matter how much it appears the world is spinning...
whether slowly or fast...
it's not that the world's spinning...
it's the "merry-go-round" - it's the wheel is spinning -

it's ME  - I'm what's spinning.

And I've been ready to . . .
throw up. (a time or two)

Puke, as my 17 year old likes to call it.

Puke.

Spewing things like:
1) HELP!  My old people forget life and I'm trying to help them keep their heads afloat.
or
2) HELP!  My baby son is now a SENIOR and he is going to be "gone" "TOMORROW" and I'm so busy I'm missing much of it!
or
3) HELP! The Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day  (Aug 7- 9)  is in 21, no 20, no 19 days and I've trained only 1/10th of what I should because of this WHEEL...
or
4) HELP!  The Chicago Breast Breast Cancer 3-Day is in 21, no 20, no 19 days and I'm still short of my fund raising goal...
or
5)  HELP! My house is falling apart around me and I'm too exhausted to do much to prevent it, and I'm too strapped for cash to hire it done and, and, and...
or
6)  HELP! My family is in a state of TRANSITION, and REBUILDING and REGROUPING and are growing through painful days and or nights and I'm caught in an emotional tug-o-war
or
7) Help.

Although I"m not really in a state of panic.
And I'm not really in a flurry today.
I'm also not rising above the circumstances like I would like to be...  you know SOARING above...

... more like ... trudging through.

Like when you dream that you're being chased by somebody you can't see, don't know who they are, but you know you're being chased and you run, and it feels like your legs won't budge off the ground & when they do you swear they're ELEPHANT's legs walking in MUD or QUICKSAND that barely lift high enough to step forward...

...yeah, kinda like that.

.

.

... and the dogs bark and snap be back to reality.  responsibility, really. 

They can't let themselves out.  They have needs that must be met and I'm just the girl, the master to meet those needs.

And my parents have 6 acres that need mowing and taxes to finish.

And my auntie has Rx to pick up and groceries to purchase.

And my house needs a quicky tidy-up so as not to gag me when I return.

And I am just the girl to do it.

And I'm trusting the FUNDS will come for the 3-Day.
And I'm limited to train, so I will focus on a healthy body.(that is, after all, what freedom from breast cancer  - or all cancers- is, isn't it?)

And the MERRY-go-round is appropriately called just that...MERRY...

...because, regardless the circumstances I spin in
... I am convinced...
...and I am determined...
...to TRUST in the One who sees me spinning...
...who is WITH ME in the midst of the spinning...
...and who is providing me the Peace (supernatural), and Comfort, and JOY right in the midst of the MUD...
...and I KNOW, TOGETHER we will...
...make
...it
...one
...more
...day
...and
...one
...more
...day

Because, simply, HE is sufficient.

Psalm 13: 1 -6
(particularly 5,6 

 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.

 ⁶ I will sing to the LORD,
       for he has been good to me.)

"I TRUST"

A WILLFUL choosing.  A WILLFUL commitment to CHOOSE something bigger than the circumstances.

I trust.

I trust.

I trust.

WEEEEEEEE! Better 'n a Roller Coaster!!!

One of my new fav Blogs to read is Crystal,  of PINK HAIRED GIRL . Her blog today was the one entitled "A Different Kind of MIssion Trip"  which got me thinking of my own experiences with my FAITH and my commitment to the 09 Chicago Breast Cancer 3Day .

Below is the reply I gave to Crystal - copied & pasted in true "on vacation" manner! :

...as a 3Dayer heading to 3 years, I can tell you from experience, that calling this “a different kind of missions trip” is EXACTLY what you will experience. Diverse cultures, diverse life experiences, impacting individuals by living examples, by encouragement and providing vital information that can save lives. We (Warriors in Pink - Rachel’s Hope) use the fundraising need as our motivation for community activism, breast cancer education and awareness - then the funds come! Last year, during a fundraising at WallyWorld, a gal that had seen our posters came up to us, introduced herself and said she was on her way to get her hair cut off - before it fell out. Turns out she had been diagnosed with Sarcoma and less than 1percent survival rate - cutting off her hair was her being able to CONTROL something in her life - we were there cheering her on, when she returned, and celebrated by spray painting her remaining “mohawk” PINK! The team provide meals for her family during, after horrible chemo - we invited her to be our “guest of honor” during a 4th of July Parade where we wore PINK and Red,White & Blue and marched for “FREEDOM from BREAST CANCER” in the parade. She still struggles but is not alone. We’ve grown, we’ve seen His had guide us and use us in remarkable ways… Then the 3Day event itself - that is where we felt “the world as it SHOULD be”… thousands of people - drawn together by LOVE for LOVE - wow… speechless and forever drawing us back for MORE.

We also learned, even in training, - every step we took, was an opportunity to make a difference: together in the lives of the team, and in the community. There were many, many training days we PINKED it out, carried Komen breast fact flyers (all printable online) and trained 10 - 15- 18 miles - walking to neighboring communities and back and talking with all wonderful kinds of people along the way. We’ve met a 16 year old who thought she had breast cancer - actually had “questionable cells” - and we loved/hugged encouraged her - offering support and prayers.

Wow. The stories are endless - and are exactly why we are drawn, compelled to work in this “mission field”. This is my call - and I’m so fulfilled having answered it!"

Nothing Earth shattering in my reply, just real - real commitment, real emotion, real life-changing-events representing COUNTLESS stories of COUNTLESS people who have become forever imprinted into my memory-banks and my heart...

Good intentions led me to strive to RAISE FUNDS the 1st year... focus on raising those precious dollars.  Okay so my heart / my motives were pure - but I missed out on so much = COMMUNITY!  I missed out on SERVING, and becoming involved with others lives and becoming so enriched!

This past year - year 2 - I dedicated myself to SERVING the community - and in doing so - DUH - the FUNDS CAME without the struggle! Sure, there were some challenging moments of "HELP!" along the way - but it was so awesome to see God's handiwork - our willingness to be and do and go where He sent + His miracle-working-love-grace-mercy-today =  $$'s miracles and LIVES CHANGED - mine mostly! :)

So this year my motto:  “Serve the people - the $$ will come”  is , again, exactly what I seek to do. I am so excited about where He'll lead me this year...whom He'll bring me in contact with and how He'll direct my path... woo hoo!  This is a great ride!  Unlike roller coasters - this one is FAR LONGER LASTING! And, in serving, I KNOW I am part of something that is making a difference - money spent for research for a Cure for Cancer... and lives encouraged in some way by connecting with each other... ah... that is FUN and ETERNAL...

Kinda sad that it took a year, but He was patient, until I “got it”! haha!

Ah… grace.

Best!

The Breast Cancer 3-Day is a lifestyle more than ...

a mere 3-Days, 14 times this year.

Yes it's 3-days.

Oh, but the LIFE of effort, communication, planning, plotting, encouraging, walking, fund raising, fun raising, HAIR-RAISING (and pinking and shaving before it falls out - our dear bud Patty) that happens days, weeks, MONTHS in preparation - turns event participants into  "nearly-consumed" breast cancer activists that oft must choose - purposefully CHOOSE FAMILY over "doing"...

Tomorrow is the day before the event.
Tomorrow is in 47 minutes.
Tomorrow is  one day closer to walking/ talking/ sweating/ blistering with 2200 of my closest-new-friends.

In 3 days it will be over...
In 3 days I will be wondering what to do next
In 2 days I will most surely, re-register for next year - because it is inside of me.
I can't get it out.Don't want to. MUST create awareness. MUST raise funds. MUST support survivors. MUST, MUST, MUST...

(Here we go again & this one "ain't" over yet.)

I just hope I get my household chores done before my OBSESSION starts again...

Long walking eats up...

hours, feet, builds bodies, eats up hours (worthy of a second mention), and is a must if I'm going to succeed in walking my 2nd Breast Cancer 3-Day this August 8 - 10, in Chicago.

Personally, in order to get long miles in, I've sometimes had to break it up in the day:  9 miles am, 8 pm or 12 am & 4 pm...  this season is difficult for sure, but when looking at my new friend, Patty B.'s life, right now, it puts my "stuff" into perspective...

A week ago, yesterday (Monday) Patty's port-a-cath insertion punctured her lung, didn't know it until she was beginning round 2 of chemo & couldn't breathe..xray then showed what had happened.. numerous times hospitalized in the last week & a day ...the hole kept getting bigger - lung collapsed late last week - she's home now - weak - FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE.... literally.

Patty was told, at the diagnosis of breast cancer, that the type she has is Sarcoma.  And the type she has has less than 1% survival rate.

Less than 1% survival.

Lesser people would give in. Patty's choosing to fight...  Her survival rate has now been elevated to over  40%... She's choosing LIFE! or is trying to...

...and I'm moaning about how hard walking is - not so much the walking,
but making the TIME to do so...practicing for 60 miles in three days
is a huge undertaking - even BEFORE attempting  to WALK
60 miles in 3 Days...

I keep thinking "what's the big deal about walking 60?  we've made the money (or committed to it) in order to walk, they can take the $$'s and send it researcher's way..."

...then I think about those whose lives we represent:
the ones we are walking for  because they are no longer here...
the ones we are walking for because they're here, but too sick and can't
the ones we watched suffer - the ones we love still- and long to DO SOMETHING to make it better...

and then I remember "WHY" we walk.

We walk because, as the 5 or 6 of us training and fund raising in the community as Warriors in Pink  have seen - PEOPLE NOTICE, it RAISES AWARENESS, and builds solidarity - visibility in events, and walking en mass creates a POWERFUL STATEMENT of "issue, concern, passion, and longing to make a better world"...

We walk - because we can.

Then we make plans for childcare and struggle to make the miles / hours...

We spend too much money on gear that will help us endure, protect our feet & hopefully keep West Nile Virus bugs off of our hopefully non-chafed , oft achy, weary, bodies -

Then, once back home, we try making up for the time spent away from our families, by overdoing attention and affection when we really want to just 'BE" or zone out - just REST...

...and we look toward a near future, when all this really culminates - when it matters... when the walk is in progress and we're caught up in the tide of humanity - in the swell of emotion and passion and purpose...

...and we look farther down the road, to a day, a time, a world where our children only hear those words that strike fear into the hearts of even the strongest of people (_________  cancer)  - the day- yes THE DAY , when they only READ THOSE WORDS in a classroom in a school (or home!) from a HISTORY BOOK ...

...and we will look back and know that we were part of something far bigger than ourselves, and our own agendas and lives... we invested our blood, sweat and tears into a legacy of health for our children and their children's children...

...and it will have all been because we laced up our shoes and took the first step...

...that is a legacy worth walking for.

Warriors in Pink on the Breast Cancer 3-Day: raising awareness, money and PINK MOHAWKS

Wal-Mart Fundraiser 6/14/08
Warriors in Pink (top left to right: Leah, Teresa & friend Mickey) Amy, bottom: L - R - Judy, AnnMarie, friend PATTY, AnnMarie's daughter-Adriana, friend PATTY & mom, and  Sheila )joined by friends & family offered breast health information, artisan crafted jewelry, FancyFlops, Adopt-A-Ducky, Warriors in Pink temp tattoos & scarves, baked goods and grateful smiles to all who graced our tables yesterday.

Some observations from our adventure:
1) some people suck
2) some people don't

3) people living in the "fire" of "struggle" (read that disease, poverty, etc.) tend to have larger hearts
4) people living with a "more" attitude are oh-so-small-and-in-reality-have-so-little-which-stinks-for-them-cuz-they-never-have-enough-and-have-fat-wallets-cuz
they're-on-a-"get this next thing" budget-while-the-world-goes-"to hell in a handbasket" and they're saving for "more"... which is so very sad and so very small and just don't get me started
5) love comes in many shapes and sizes and colors and smiles
6) people (read that "person" - actually read that "Patty B" in Pink mowhawk) with Sarcoma and less than 1% survival rate have so much love to give and live life so largely and squeeze out every-last-drop of joy from every minute of every day - and when in their presence (HER) you KNOW, you KNOW, you KNOW you've just looked into the eyes of an "angel-here-on-earth", and you KNOW, you KNOW, you KNOW your life will never be the same with her in it, and you KNOW it drives you (me and my amazing Warriors) to DO MORE! Raise awareness MORE!  Raise $$$'s MORE and Give MORE so that somewhere someday soon angels-in-brand-new-pink-Mohawks, with one "new booby" and one "new 2-week-husband who doesn't care if she has one or two boobies and hair or not" don't lose those Mohawks in a matter of weeks to some blasted Chemotherapy that is sure to kill GOOD cells and PRAY TO GOD it kills the C#NCER cells while it's at it..

Geesh.

(Take a breath and re-read that "item # 6"  it's profound - because SHE is profound...)

All that being said, I am, once again sorting through the pain of loving - loving the world that is in pain - often makes the lover of the world -ahem -- FEEL pain...

At 52, I know some things:
...all of what was listed , above...
...that LOVE is an unspoken glue that connects hearts- seen and unseen-
...I know that there are people in my life who are "idle-ing" through life without passion or purpose and my heart breaks for them that they know not what I'm speaking of or experiencing
...and as much as  my heart breaks for those dwelling in complacency, it breaks more for those who aren't..
for those who aren't are dwelling in the Land of Passion for Something Bigger than themselves...and those who aren't (living in the Land of Complacency, remember? hee)  are setting themselves up to Loving Largely... and it is, indeed, a GUARANTEE that if you "love large" you are gonna get hurt - badly hurt - because your HEART feels what their pain feels like - loving care and concern does that, you know.  And LOVING HEARTS connect with this GLORIOUS world on so many different levels, and LOVING HEARTS see more to love, everywhere they look, and with that brings even more heart-ache, because when you LOVE you CARE and when you CARE when those whom you LOVE experience PAIN---- so do you.

And that, my loves, that is when you (read that "I") SCRATCH THE SURFACE on the intense LOVE of the Heavenly Father for His Son and for the world - His kids..

Ah-ha... the Love of the Father...rejoicing with His kids who are rejoicing while hurting with His kids who hurt

And He loves me (read that "US") so much that He wants us to Love as He loves - pain and all- because in the loving and in the hurting is where  true LIFE and JOY is found ...

...now THAT's "Father's Day"...

...and the truth behind the phrase: "because I love you, honey... this is going to hurt me more than it does you..."

...indeed it does...

Ink for Pink - for the Breast Cancer 3-Day! --Tattoo Raffle--!!!

...for the CURE!

Nationally featured (Tattoo Magazine), acclaimed Tattoo artist: David Allen of Bluebird Tattoo, Portage, IN, has donated a $200.00 value tattoo for the Cure!

200 max raffle tickets to be sold (1 in 200 chance to win!)

$5.00 donation to my site link below = 1 raffle ticket (I'll email you your raffle ticket number to your provided email addy) entry in order of donation email time stamp.

Raffle drawing will be Saturday, July 26 by www.Random.org, "Random sequence generator" draw.

Must be 18 to enter raffle, winner must present ID.

Check out David's stunning work:
(at Bluebird: http://www.bluebirdtattoo.com/gallery.php then click on "David Allen")
(personal blog site: http://www.allentattoo.com/gallery/index.php )

Again: each $5.00 donation to my 3-day page = 1 Raffle ticket number assigned to you (given by email - so make sure to provide email addy!)

SITE LINK:
http://08.the3day.org/goto/JudyGehrels


email for questions, comments:
jgehrels@comcast.net

Family members not eligible to win. (stink!)

Living in Alzheimer's land while obsessing in 3-Day land

There is a direct correlation between the thief "memory loss" in my dear family and the amount of time I spend buried into breast  cancer awareness, fund raising, team building , community involvement and training for the Chicago Breast Cancer 3-day in August.

I don't know the term for taking the stress/ emotional upheaval I feel for every moment THEY stress over not remembering what day it is or how to write a check - and pouring it (my stress) into action by totally DIVING into another world.

Obsessing, really.  Why don't I OBSESS about memory loss?  Or aging? 

Could be living it one more moment than is necessary is more overwhelming than imaginable.
Could be my puny human mind cannot take one more moment of it than necessary (I think that was redundant)
(see?)

You see, that's it.

"Alzheimer's Land" is a land of repetition.
I said, "Alzheimer's Land" is a land of repetition.
...repetition.
over and over again, which is, of itself, repetition.
alot.
see, there again, is repetition.

Diving into community activism re: breast cancer awareness and fund raising -  is new! exciting! invigorating! Passionate! Hope for the future! Faith for the cure!

Maybe I just need help...
Maybe I just need help...

hmmm... definitely.

16.5 weeks till 3-Day and I'm s'posed to walk? like now?

I don't know what part of the word "training" I forgot about this season, but it dawned on me "gee I'm hosting a training walk Saturday, I should walk some before I get there". 

It's not that I"m not interested in walking . Last year I learned that walking gave me such a sense of freedom.  Nice 3.5 mph pace - yet I felt like my body became a "flying machine" - the freedom of being able to carry myself anywhere I set my eyes to.

Amazing.  Truly a gift from God, these machines He made... this machine has lost 13 lb in approx 5 days - from sick, so sick and no fluids or food.

I'm a physical mess.

Oh, and today was my 52nd birthday.

My, beautiful daughter-in-love made AWESOME healthy soup that I devoured and felt a semblance of beginnings of life in the form of baby-bursts of energy ...   the brief visit from son,dilove,grandbabylove was such a gift -in itself - let alone that they spent too much money on XBox American Idol game! we'll have fun - family singing, fun.

And my oh-too-patient husband surprised me with 8gig mp3 player.  I'm shocked. More than that I'm incredibly touched at how concerned he was over my ill health, especially these last 2 or 3 days...

October 01 I was given 6 - 8 hours -HOURS to live - I was dying from double Pulmonary Embolism.  Both lungs.  Suffocating and causing such strain on my heart.  9 days in ICU & 10 days in cardiac care -released to begin a new life - one where I appreciated each breath...

Wow. Each breath is a gift.  Looking back, I've overcome so much... even what has faded can so easily come back into focus with a reminder and it feels so fresh, once again.  And so painful.  Those days in ICU when it was touch and go, my husband looked into the face of a wife who statistically should not be there  (most double PE patients die).   Weak and frail.

My husband looked at me through those eyes yesterday.  I could read it there.  Bless his precious heart.  I take him so for granted.  And this life.  And each breath.  And  each step.

Walking in the 3-Day last year was a miracle for me, on so many levels.  Alive to walk. Breathing.  These 2 weeks of sick may have weakened me, and sidetracked my training, but the reality is - I will train, when I am stronger.  I will, again, be so grateful that this machine is still humming.  We walk in the 3-Day for HEALTHY BODIES - health from breast cancer, yes, but  - ultimately for HEALTH.

I won't feel guilty and push myself stupid to walk when I'm not fueled. or hydrated. or when I'm so sick.  Not even for an "official training walk".  Those who show  will get a map of the square.  My buds/teammates will carry on when I reach my limit.  It is what it is.

And when I'm stronger... I'll walk...because I can.

Back to basics - 3-Day style...

From "whiner" to "warrior" - I'm back!

Amazing what feeling "under the weather" does to one's view point - ashamed to admit that I wanted to "quit" ... my previous post was filled with "have had it's"...

While it's true I'm not thrilled about working with rude, disrespectful people, (previous post) I am fully devoted to this task - fighting this battle for the Cure for breast cancer - through awareness, community action / involvement and fund raising!

I will not be discouraged - I choose to continue - and I will proceed with fire and determination that will not be daunted by people who want me to walk , fundraise FOR them. Nope, we each must burn, or we will extinguish..

So, my friends... she speaketh, once again, of things pink and purposeful...

again...

until the task is done...

...the cure.

period.

Help! What do I do now?

I overdo.

Overwhelmed with life, I've been seeking refuge in passionately pursing awareness and funds for breast cancer research. Focused and driven and plowing ahead in fund raising event planning fury, I found myself grinding to a halt this week.

Sick, 102 fever, deep chest cough, no energy.
Oh, but that was nothing compared to the numerous late night, always inconvenient, phone calls I received throughout the week.

"I'm disabled, I had a truck run over my head. I've got pins in my ankles.  I was assigned to your team.  I can walk 10 miles.  I think.  My *&^%^ doctor won't give me a donation, I'm going to get pink tanks and socks and I've raised $10,200. and I dont want to walk alone. I could have joined a closer team but I would feel out of place (different culture) with "them"."

"So you have pins in your ankles now? How can you walk?"

"Oh, no, not now. I can't walk early morning because I need to take my anxiety medicine and it takes an hour to work, and do they have electric because I need a nebulizer, and I've still got walking pneumonia - I do smoke,too, can't quit".

Okay - all in about 2 breaths and I'm still stunned to this moment days later.

My heart is breaking.  What part of this person is "the least of these" that Christ talks about ("as you do to the least of these you do to Me")?  When do I run, not walk, to the nearest exit and pretend I'm not here when she calls again and again and always at really weird socially inappropriate times (10:45pm?).  My co-team captain told her (yes, she is also getting relentless calls) her mother-in-law's funeral was Saturday.  It was met with "I didn't call to get your sad news. I have some questions".

All the answers are available to her online or by phone call. Repeatedly we have told her to make the phone call to the right people.

I want to cry.
Scream.
Frustrated.
I'm no longer having fun.
I want to quit.
I won't.
But I want to flee.
When is "no" okay?
No answers here, just realizing the team is only as strong as it's weakest link.  Now, if that link appears to be "in need" - man, o, man this awesome team will (and is) step up to help.

However, when someone comes in pushy, pushy, grating, could care less about us, I want to nip it in the bud.

Just trying to figure out my next move, my responsibility ...

All I know is that "help!!" is the only word in my head right now...

Keeping the flame... in the breast cancer fight...

When Abby-Jill moved out of her "earth suit" into her HEAVENLY one and is now TRULY "dancing with the stars" , she left behind a world that was made far better by her contributions to it.

I, for one, who has been proud (first mistake...)of being a "passionate person" in this beautiful "life dance", soon realized that my "passion" paled, by comparison to Abby-Jill's.

My team mate, Scott C., was fund raising and walking in her honor.   I met her in person, during  the August 07, Breast Cancer 3-Day .  That day my life was permanently and INSTANTLY marked by her flame which burned deeply into my heart and mind. Passion? I had truly found what "passion" looked like... and it surely didn't look like me.

Debbie (Abby-Jill's sister) TIARA-wearing Abby-Jill (of course!) and their momma - day 3 - 2 miles from finish line!

How can someone who ,1.5 weeks prior, had fluid drained from her lungs, and who - just 5 days earlier had had chemotherapy - walk, laugh, walk, hug, embrace, laugh,  love, walk, giggle, jiggle, dance, dance, dance to the music that was in HER head.

So here's the thing: since having been "torched" (yes "torched" , "sparked by flame") by Abby-Jill, I've, unwittingly, become a Breast Cancer fighter-no-that's-not-a-strong-enough-word...WARRIOR.

Now look: what I didn't see were the tears. the hair loss.  the swelling. the pain, the agony, the horror that this disease caused as it created havoc in her body and consumed her.  Her loved ones did.

I grieve for her loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine - to feel their enormous loss...

But I can feel for them, and I can create a stir to cause awareness and, hopefully, generate just a little bit of concern and compassion from an ambivalent world...

And so,  I wear pink.  It's not because I like pink- pink - is a girly, good-girl, prissy-stinking color. .  More tom-boy than prissy, I'm more fond of chocolate and green and all things "earthy" - ...

Sadly, pink, in our current CULTURE often represents MARKETING MANIA at the expense of the pain, the sorrow, the struggle, the fight for life - that breast cancer causes.

Breast cancer is a killer.

Abby-Jill died at 43.

We were robbed.

Aunt Mildred Kirby (nee McCallister) died at 48.

We were robbed.

Breast cancer is a thief: stealing health and finances and time with loved ones.

There is nothing "pink" about it.

Pink won't bring 'em back.

May we not lose sight of what the battle really is.
May we continue to educate ourselves and refuse to "play in Pink".
Rather, may we use this nasty color to cause a stir, and in doing so, enrage a world that so complacently accepts wigs and drawn-on eyebrows as a way of making a cancer-ridden-patient "feel better"...

May we ask the questions... the difficult questions:

Early detection saves lives?
Early detection of something that is rampant - WHY IS IT RAMPANT?  WHY?
What factors cause cancer to begin with?
What chemicals in our environment, food, water contribute?

Find the contributing factors, then we don't need to "detect" anything...

Sigh.

And as nauseating and distasteful as it is, if wearing stinking PINK will create a stir that causes someone to ask me what's up  - I am willing to wear stinking PINK...

And so I walk - and always, always walking in memory of those who have lost their fight with this ugly disease , in honor of those who battle and in support of those whose lives are personally affected by it.

The flame of life that Abby-Jill had, that was extinguished in her death caused by breast cancer - carries on in those of us who refuse to sit by and allow breast cancer to take all of our loved ones...

without a fight.

Carrie's fight is for her life...

Carrie :blonde, beautiful, young, wife, mother of 2 gorgeous girls, Stage IV Cancer with metastisis to the bones - Carrie is a local Fighter!

She writes:

"Well, where do I start?

I was originally diagnosed in 1999 shortly after Jenna was born with stage 2, 3 positive nodes, estrogen receptor+. I was just 30 years old at the time. I had the usual chemotherapy Adriamyacin with Cytoxin, Taxol, radiation, then Tamoxifin.

Tamoxifin failed me miserably. I had pain walking in the fall of 2002 which turned out to be mets to the pelvis and spine. I had radiation, Zoladex, Arimidex, and Zometa. Tumor markers and PET scans have declared me to have no active cancer to date. I am so very grateful for that !

In the spring of 2004, Zoladex was not as effective. I started menstrual cycles again. I had a complete hysterectomy including ovaries.

I can no longer do many physical activities due to severe nerve damage and herniated disks (a side effect from zoladex).

The cancer has returned in November of 2007. It is in the entire spine, ribs, neck, collar bone, and possibly legs. I do not yet know what treatment I will receive. I will update when I find out.

LOVE,

Carrie

And just yesterday, she wrote:

"Sadly the tumor markers rose 10 points and the bloodwork is showing that the cancer is increasing in the bones.

They retested yesterday to make sure there was no mistake. I have to go for a PET scan this coming week and see my doctor on Friday."

My heart breaks for the precious "Carrie's" affected by this ugly disease... for the daughters and sons watching their mothers hurt and lose hair and vibrancy...for the husbands who long to kiss their wives and make those hurts / those pains go away and who try not to think about a future without "her" in it... who try to be strong but who's worlds are turned upside down with each new test result a little bit worse than the last, or a good test result and wondering "how long will  she  SEEM healthy".  And God forbid we think anything BUT health - but always, always deep in the backs of our minds the truth is -  the disease is a thief.

Join me in my quest to make a difference...   Your donation to Susan G. Komen for the Cure will activate top research scientists to continue in their tireless effort to find a cure.  Your donation will help me raise my goal and will allow me to participate in the WALK - 60 miles in 3 days, Chicago 8 - 10, 08.  Your donation enters you into the Warriors in Pink "family" of passionate fighters who long for the day when this disease will only be found in a HISTORY BOOK... so that the Carrie's of our world will no longer be drained in this fight.

Thank you for your support and for your prayers...

It knows no boundaries...

or ethnicities (although African American women are acutely underserved) this horrid disease - a non-respecter of persons - has come to "steal, kill and destroy"...  This read truly paints a poignant, global picture-

Whatever Country

(for Talma Zoiberman of Petach Tikvah, Israel 1941-1994)

You won't share the pleasure of impatience at the post office waiting to exchange air letters or watch the dark and light faces of postal clerks and wonder what secrets they harbor while hoping for what's possible in your country--any country; no more Feldenkreis, picnics in the Galilee to which you carry linen cloths, forks, roasts, felafel, cooked corn, to spread elegance admist terrorism You won't write eager to know the best seller or phone at two a.m. to say we'll meet in Spain where we'll shop for two Sephardic Stars of David.  The last time I saw you, I arrived from California with a crystal which you wouldn't accept unless I too brought back your locket to my country You hung it around my neck Your strong frame set against your dark hair and full lips red with lipstick from the States pouring forth perfect English flavored with Hebrew gutturals In your small flat you cooked that enormous dinner though your arm was huge and swollen from that disease you would not name.  We laughed with Saturday night pleasure after the Sabbath had allowed you to rest Today it is time to tear the roof from the post office, and trill my tongue the way I learned how to wail of loss in your land this time not for holy wars but from that disease every woman dreads in any country where she may live.

© 1994, Elaine Starkman

Love, love, love. Love is all you need!

I've been a Christ follower for 26 years, now.

I'm finally getting that He longs for me (us) to love, love, love.  And I'm also finally getting that love, love, love comes in many different "faces".

Currently deeply embedded in event planning for raising awareness and, ultimately, funds for the Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day , I find myself surrounded by and partnering with a world/community  who long(s) to love and serve and more closely resemble Him by heart and in deed and by ACCIDENT, than I do, by "design".

Fund raiser extraordainare,  Lorry, has built a hospital wing and has raised tens of thousands of dollars for premature births.  Lorry saw her workplace was pitching "old food" and promptly called the local "meals on wheels" to pick up the left overs on a daily basis.   She volunteers time, effort & money to breast cancer (in support of and in honor of family members), while actively working in support of Relay for Life.  Energetic.  Vibrant.  Serving community.

Wow, how beautifully she resembles Him.

Though, I don't think she realizes it's "Him" she looks like.  Or even who "He" is. (yet)

And there are others.  So many other "Lorry's" who serve the world, tirelessly, because the world needs help, more, loved, the world needs love, love, love.

So many of my years spent within the walls - the building OF the "church".  So many years serving the "body of the church".  Loving them, growing them.  Maybe those years have better prepared me for what my community - the world OUTSIDE of the building- really needs.  Maybe those years were spent serving those who call Him by name, so that I would deeply realize how desperately I needed to serve, love DO something OUTSIDE of the building.  I'm getting that I AM the "church" and where I go , she goes (the bride, the church).  HE goes.  Who I touch - HE touches.

Lorry has inspired me.  Lorry has touched me. 

Thank so much Lord, for showing me Yourself through this one who doesn't even realize how closely she "resembles" You.

Oh God, may I continue to seek and find You in such amazing, beautiful, unexpected places...

Abby-Jill: face of a servant, eyes of God.

When driven by love, the world becomes smaller.  As hearts grow bigger, eyes see no stranger. 

And so is the world Abby-Jill lived in: her eyes saw potential, her mouth spoke hope, her heart beat with unconditional love.  How well she resembled the One she so loved, whom she served, Lord Jesus.

There is a story in this picture.  Abby-Jill, hands placed on the pot, ready to serve the hungry - praying for the food and those ready to receive it. Those who shared moments like these  with her---my heart breaks for you.

This lovely beauty pouring herself into this little child. 
Those of you who shared moments like this with her... my heart mourns for you.

 

Abby-Jill (hand up in VICTORY!) (and her team: Abby's Hope, and my team mate and I) as she completed 18+ miles on day 3 of 07 Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day.  Walking victoriously into closing - her goal was completing the event and participating in Survivor Circle.  Walking, encouraging, loving her fellow participants (walkers & crew alike) we walked in the presence of Someone that seemed more like Christ and less like Abby-Jill .  What little I knew of her she would poo-poo that idea - but walking with her I knew Christ, Himself, was empowering her.  We all knew He was giving her strength and hope and purpose.  We knew He whom she so faithfully reflected and served - truly revealed Himself time and time again as we observed her touching His children during this 3-Day event. What little I know of Abby-Jill - it was just her "doing her thing".

I've learned how important Hope is in affecting attitude in adversity- through Abby-Jill. She taught me so much in such little time...

I'm most certain, that those who surrounded her, through her short 43 years, became "the most important people" in her heart. Every family member, every friend, every "stranger" she served - she loved, she served, she celebrated.

"Lord, as you don't have to allow us to enjoy the vibrant colors of Fall leaves before trees go dormant... and You don't have to allow Spring to delight our senses with new-oh-so-fragrant-fragile-shoots-of-life as we transition into the warmth of Summer... so You don't have to place people in our lives that so well reflect Your very nature, Your loving heart... yet You do and You have. Thank You for your Son, Jesus, and His unbelievable "completed task" - for me, for us. I am most grateful. That is so much more than enough. Yet You chose to gift me - to gift us - with loved ones.  Thank You.  Thank You for your handmaiden, Abby-Jill,  and the privilege of knowing You more - through her.  Thank you.  

Now, Abby-Jill, out of her "Earth suit" and in her heavenly one, it's likely she's cracking you up with her goofiness, dancing and smiling and causing a Holy-Party! and is organizing something up There, I'm almost certain. Until we see You "clearly", Lord, may we be found faithful, and may we continue Your legacy Lord, as Abby-Jill so demonstrated to Your world.

So, Lord, I dedicate this song to You, in honor of You and Your impact in my life and in honor of Abby-Jill and her "team":

"I will never be the same again.  I will never return, I've closed the door.  I will walk the Path , I will run the race and I will never be the same again.  Fall like Fire, soak like Rain, flow like mighty waters, again and again.  Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff, and let the flame burn, to glorify Your name! I will never be the same again.  I will never return, I've closed the door.  I will walk the Path , I will run the race and I will never be the same again. No, I will never be the same, again..."

In Memory of Abby-Jill — We Will Miss You- Part 2

(excerpt from post-3-day walk -  8/20/07)

"When people are passionate about a "cause" and the passion is fueled by LOVE, there are no strangers! I met co-laborers who quickly became my "family" and "close friends" who loved largely and expressed joy so easily. The world as it should be - all sitting in the late afternoon sun, waiting to take a shower and hang out in their pj's, chatting as if we were buds from high school.

...

I found myself surrounded by strangers who needed to hug / thank me (hug fest) and I was moved - dramatically changed, affirmed ... wow.  (Abby-Jill - "sun princess cancer survivor/fighter" & her team "Abby's Hope"- danced and rejoiced and exhibited pure, uninhibited JOY - LIFE in ACTION! They warmly included me into the "fold" and we sweated & wiggled to the music until lights out at 9:00!)

...

My team mate (Scott Coker) and I joined Abby-Jill and her team for breakfast and decided to spend the day as ONE team. Scott was walking and fund raising in her honor. We determined to walk victoriously into closing together, he with swollen, hurting groin, me with my strained right knee. We collected ourselves and began the day.

Abby-Jill walked. She laughed and giggled. She asked me how my sore, sore knee was and I had FORGOTTEN that I couldn't walk, the day before - it was gone - no pain, no strain - totally gone! Abby-Jill claimed and loudly exclaimed that I had been healed ! (She was RIGHT!!!) She laughed with her squeaky voice (HELIUM WOMAN! medicine affected her voice - I actually didn't realize it was "squeaky" -she sounded AWESOME - to me! :)

Abby-Jill walked (Abby from previous post -8/17/07 I've gotta tell about her again - she's a walking miracle!) And walked. And walked. A real trooper. She walked when we KNEW she should take a van but she was determined. Every crossroad she'd stop, stretch and cough - so deeply - we hurt for her.

She'd stand and face forward and she walked some more. 

(Courage in action.  Faith in action.  Christ empowered her and I got the PRIVILEGE of observing it. How amazing...)

Abby-Jill was determined to walk to closing to be part of the "survivor ceremony".

She made it.

We walked across the finish line at 4:30 p.m. - hand in hand, arm in arm - victorious. My little blister "boo-boo" put into perspective by her amazing strength, courage and passion to squeeze each drop out of life that she could - squeeze and drink deeply (was easier than breathing...)

She is my hero.

I have so many, now.

The weekend was a blur - a big 'ol, pink, cozy, loving, amazing blur... and believe it, or not - there are more thoughts, more words."

Already registered for next year, I'm building a team of Warriors in Pink who long to make a difference one step, one dollar, one breast cancer fact at a time: every 3 minutes someone receives a diagnosis of breast cancer.  every 13 minutes breast cancer takes a life.  1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer...

How can we ignore the facts?   
I can't.  I just can't.

And so...I walk..."

...and so I walk.

In MEMORY of Abby-Jill.  In support of her grieving family.  We, Warriors in Pink, with renewed purpose, face the future with our eyes on Hope. Eyes on the Cure.  We raise awareness. We raise vital funds for research for the Cure.  We raise our compassionate "war cry" - "we fight until the battle's won - until then --- we fight".

It's the best and the very least we can do - for all the "Abby-Jills"...

God may You be glorified in this fight. May You give wisdom, knowledge and direction to your people in their quest to find the cure... Please give Your divine PEACE in the midst of these storms of life.  We trust You, lift our eyes to YOU and know Your will - WILL be done... may we be found faithful...
(as I know Abby-Jill has already heard: "Abby-Jill, you've been a good and faithful servant"...)

In Memory of Abby-Jill — We Will Miss You

Our inspiration - our dear, beautiful, 43 year old friend, Abby-Jill lost her battle to breast cancer this past Tuesday...

Her passing from this life to the next puts everything else in perspective. I'm an idiot to whine like I do. God forgive me. 

This posting is from a dear friend of hers:

September 16, 1964 – March 11, 2008

Posted by Steve in : Chicago,  Family,  Inside Park,  Urban Church,  Missional,  DifferenceMakers,  Culture and Faith , trackback  

This week, Park Community Church suffered a great loss, when one of its former staff, Abby-Jill Brauhn , lost her fight with cancer and went to be with the Lord on Tuesday morning, surrounded by her family in Wisconsin. Abby-Jill was a Godly woman who loved the Lord and loved people. She made a huge impact for the Kingdom and will be greatly missed, although I know she is feeling no pain and dancing in heaven as we speak. I will miss her greatly — I loved her passion to see people come to know Jesus in a personal relationship and I appreciated her tremendous gift of leadership on the trips I went on to the orphanage in Mexico. Here is a summary (with some adds by me about my friend) of the obituary sent to the Tribune:

Abby-Jill Marie Brauhn

September 16, 1964 – March 11, 2008

Abby-Jill Brauhn, 43, died Tuesday, March 11, 2008, at the home of her sister, Deborah Geary. She was the daughter of Maggie French and the late Stephen Brauhn. Abby was blessed with an extraordinary life. She graduated from Buffalo General School of Nursing, where she began her career as a registered nurse. She later joined Parke Davis Pharmaceuticals as a sales representative. Abby’s ambition and initiative brought her to Chicago, where enjoyed a successful career as new-products sales rep and then regional manager.

In 1995, Abby went on a short term mission trip to the FFHM orphanage that Park supports in the Baja of Mexico, and there her life would never be the same. She experienced a great renewal of her faith, and when she heard a higher calling in 1998, Abby went to work for Park Community Church in Chicago as the Director of Extension Ministries. Here she founded and grew Park’s annual Park Service Day ( now called For One Chicago), which engaged more than 900
Park Church members to serve the Chicago community for a day.

She was a pivotal member of Park’s short term mission trips called Vacation with a Purpose, which led mission trips to orphanages in Mexico operated by Foundation for His Ministry and other places around the world. She always had a vision that she would create an orphanage, so when the opportunity came, Abby’s faith took her to California. In October 2004, she left Park to become a senior leader at Charla Pereault’s right hand side at FFHM in Oxnard California.

Abby lived a life that was full of joy, love, and devotion to her family, friends, and God. An avid reader and traveler, she embarked on many voyages around the world. She had a wonderful ability to touch all that she came in contact with. A diagnosis of terminal cancer brought her back to the Midwest, where she lived with her sister, Debbie, and her family. With faith and courage, Abby endured cancer treatment for two and a half years.

Abby-Jill is survived by her mother, Maggie, her sister Debbie, brother-in-law Brian Geary, brother Robert Brauhn, brother Adam Brauhn, sister-in-law Tasha, nieces Molly, Maggie, Katherine, and Grace, and nephews Christopher and Nicholas. Abby was preceded in death by her father, Stephen.

========================================

Abby-Jill leaves a trail of love, laughter and servanthood.  We mourn - missing her presence here but we know she's doing some amazing DANCING right now with her Lord and dad, Stephen...

Thanks, Lord, for sharing Your daughter Abby-Jill with the world.  We 'll miss her...

Hope! A labor of love...

My daughter-in-love is the daughter a "girl-less family longs for".   She continually surprises me with support and affirmation and uninhibited love - exactly when I most need it. As mom's we learn from each other.  As wives we learn from each other.  As much "friend" as she is "family", I've grown to trust her insight and crave her confirmation or discernment.  When weary from life's challenges she supports me with empathy and love.

I kinda like the girl... a lot.  Bunches... with mushy kisses on her forehead-momma-love...

Creative. Passionate. Attachment parenting guru. Green. Sacrificial. Intensely protective, yet supremely providing boundaries and oh, such freedom to "be!, explore!, do!" within those boundaries - I watch my daughter-in-love navigate this life with power and determination.    Her tiny, gentle, oft-quiet self, nonetheless has a strong presence of "I honor you, world, but do not 'threaten' my family - oh, don't even think about it".

This amazing young wear her baby momma, has launched her beautiful!new Spring Line at her shop -  Nest Baby Slings.

In support of her aunt - bi-lateral mastectomy from breast cancer and in support of my fund-raising efforts for Susan G. Komen for the Cure, proceeds from the sales of  this beautiful , pink "HOPE" baby sling  will go toward breast cancer research!  Also offered is her  Hope Hatchling Sling where young child, or older sibling my proudly wear around their "hatchling dolls" (or dinos! or dump trucks! as the case may be) while mommy wears baby / toddler.

Please check out the new line!  Each sling is beautifully hand-made with love by her very own self! Take a peek (or 5!). These make a most PERFECT shower gift, new-baby gift, sling season upgrade, or Toddler-wanna-be-like-momma present for the young tykes!

You're gonna love 'em as much as I do.

(Daughter - I'm so proud of you!  I love your line!  "Hope" is PERFECT! - truly represents the mission - we fight for the Cure!)

Thank you for giving...

Recently spent the day at US Steel, Gary Works as the keynote speaker for United States Steel's  2007 United Way Campaign.  Emcee?  Moderator?  Hmmm hard to classify it...

Given the task to speak to 1200 men/women from 6:30 a.m. (5:00 a.m. arrival - YES it's true) to 5:00 p.m.  LONG DAY.  LONG amazing WOW kind of day.

My charge was:  "Hey Jude, you're a professional speaker, I've always known that - okay, so I'm the Project Manager for the USS 2007 United Way Campaign (big task!) and I need you to come speak.  You know - INSPIRE!  CHARGE!  Be authentic - you're so good at it, and be passionate! I know you can communicate that! And we're gonna ask people to give - like never before and we're gonna feed 'em and celebrate the 34 agencies that Lake Area United Way funds and we're gonna show real people - who their money's going to and, and... and I want YOU to be the speaker..."

Get the picture?  Big charge.

Big.

"Is he nuts?" was my first thought (silently!).

"Absolutely!" was my second thought (out loud! did I just tell him YES' ???').

"Stink!"  was my third thought (what the heck did I just get myself into?)

THE DAY - as in THE DAY of speak-age - I was given more specific directives - by 2 people, at the same time -5 minutes before the first bus arrived to the Celebration Center - 5 minutes before I was to take the microphone and SAY WORDS OUT LOUD. 

Didn't even have a pen to take their notes with...

So I grabbed the microphone and I did what I love to do - I said words.  Hopefully a few, well-chosen, heart-felt words.  I sensed emotions raised and eyes brightened...saw heads lifted from oh-so-tired-people who were longing to be in their beds from another long 3rd shift - and we connected.

In preparing for something so open-ended and unclear, I felt that God had given me a specific task. My mission was to somehow communicate to these precious people that THEY MATTERED.  Their individual effort DID matter. The "power of the individual and the dynamic force of many" has been resounding in my soul since this past March.  I knew I was charged with communicating to these people that their sacrifice - their dollar combined with other dollars became a DYNAMIC FORCE, that was life-changing for so many people.  How easy it is to get lost in the thinking "I won't make a difference. Giving 60 cents of every 100.00 (considered a 'fair share') won't make a difference"...

When my 15 year old son was in elementary school - we struggled financially.  Willing struggle - oldest son in college and happy to sacrifice to help provide higher education. Just do it.  Sacrifice of love.  Needing child care after school proved to be an expensive problem.  I was faced with shorter days just to be with Timmy - which also means less effective at work and less $'s on payday.

The Boys Club was our MIRACLE gift!  For $10.00 Timmy became a member.  As a member, I'd leave work for a short break, pick him up from school, pick up a snack, and go immediately to "the CLUB".   He safely checked in, almost every day they were open, eat his snack and run and play in a well-supervised, enclosed, clean, emotionally-supportive, wonderful environment.  For $10.00 per YEAR. 

$10.00  per YEAR.   

Peace of mind was priceless.  Who picked up the balance of the costs?  It never occurred to me. I just lived life and ran through the days.

At this US Steel event I learned that The UNITED WAY picked up the balance.  Almost $400.00 per child per year.  The United Way, funded by people who would never see the face of my son.

5 minutes before speaking I knew why I had been sent.  I was finally able to THANK these who had so generously given through payroll deduction - some for DECADES - for agencies like the Boys & Girls Clubs, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Meals on Wheels, Arc Bridges (developmentally challenged) and 28 other remarkable agencies.  Givers, like these people at USS helped me through a tough season in MY life.  They had a face to connect to their giving - and the face was smiling and genuinely saying "thank you, thank you, thank you."

Hours of buses, hours of re-speaking the same (similar) message - and it didn't get old. THE LAST group of the day, as I was "shooting" my thank-yous directly to some amazing eyes, I was stopped dead in my tracks as one young man so clearly, so firmly said:  "you're so welcome".

Tears stinging, silence so thick you could feel it touching you and direct eye contact with hearts connected but for a moment... I tried to regroup, but moved beyond composure as I watched wrinkled grimy faces nodding in affirmation, younger, brighter eyes smiling in agreement...  We who were privy to that moment knew we experienced a defining moment in time:  they "got it". 

He knew he had made a difference.

THEY knew THEY had made a difference.

I knew I had made a difference.

How cool is that?

Broken hearted but not broken...

Chicago's Breast Cancer 3-Day August 10, 11, 12. 

Start - Finish.
Opening ceremony - closing ceremony.

The Chicago 3-Day event culminated in a "Closing ceremony".  As beautiful and emotional as it was my mind screamed: "wait!  It's not over! This is not over! This can't be over! Not yet!"

You'd think walking better part of almost 60 miles that I'd be relieved - but I grieved - my heart felt broken... 

As a drama director, having worked on large projects through the years, I'm quite familiar with the post-show let-down.   The "what next" actors & producers experience when the house lights go up, the last of the audience has cleared the auditorium, the set is dismantled and the props and costumes are put away... Next!

This was so different.

This ached deeply, and resounded loudly in my head in a deafening chorus: "we walk, we walk, we walk until the task is done - until then... we WALK!!!"   

Until the CURE is found--- until 3 minutes comes and goes and no one - not one - receives the dreaded diagnosis of "breast cancer". 

FACT:  Every 3 minutes of every hour of every day of every    
           week of every month of  every year  -  someone is
           diagnosed with breast cancer...

FACT: Every 13 minutes someone dies from breast cancer...

Then - and only then - will we truly be able to FULLY celebrate  "Closing Ceremonies" with the joy and excitement and truly glorious enthusiasm of HOPE REALIZED.  Faith manifested in THE CURE!

I may still feel "broken hearted" but I will use that emotion to FUEL THE PASSION. 
I walk for the CURE.
I raise funds for the CURE.
I raise awareness for the CURE.
Until the battle's won... until then... I walk.

 

We walk, we walk, we walk...

...until then - we walk!

Church yesterday, was filled with people asking to "tell me about the 3-Day!".  The following is a portion of the newsletter I sent out to all my supporters... my amazing, heroic, supporters!

"To say last weekend's 3-Day event was life-changing would be an understatement, but nonetheless, it, indeed, was - on so many levels - absolutely life-changing.

Having trained since March I felt so prepared for the event. That was my first mistake.  Confidence!

Discouragement hit, Friday - mile 18 when I didn't know if I could take another step or not. I didn't understand why it was so difficult: I'd walked 18 miles before... 20 miles before. I'd walked in the heat & humidity. Didn't understand why it was so difficult. In and out of a forest preserve all day, at one point - about mile 16- we walked along a construction site - I twisted my left knee and walked gingerly, cautiously, a bit wobbly... I seriously considered taking a "sweep van" back to camp at mile 18.5...(failure) I could barely walk...

Out of nowhere, an "angel" (guy in a pink tutu w/ wings!) rode by & cheered me on - a crossing guard looked INTO MY EYES and told me what a great job I was doing (I felt horrible at the moment)... his words planted hope into me and kept me going. Such a gift, he will never know. As if God planted the exact words at the exact moment in the exact person who would obediently say them. (ya think?!)

Completed the 22.7 miles, day 1, I walked into camp and the CRUELest joke ever was waiting for my team mate and I: CARRY our 30 lb duffel bags AND tent to F93 - row F (not A) 93 as in 1 - 100 - like in 93 - like in walk to NETHER REGIONS to camp site.

Pitched the pink tent (along with 1000 others) and proceeded to wait in line at the 3 semi trucks built with portable SHOWERS!!!!! WOOO HOOO! Waiting in line, meant sitting in line, moving up one at a time as the showers became available (6 per time) - unless you were a MAN - who got IMMEDIATELY in!

When people are passionate about a "cause" and the passion is fueled by LOVE, there are no strangers! I met co-laborers who quickly became my "family" and "close friends" who loved largely and expressed joy so easily. The world as it should be - all sitting in the late afternoon sun, waiting to take a shower and hang out in their pj's, chatting as if we were buds from high school.

Dinner (delicious!) and lights out at 9:00 and INSTANT sleep.

Awake at the crack of dawn - hearty breakfast and on the trail. 22.7 ahead. Gonna make it, for sure.

At mile 2 - yep - "2"!  I realized I had strained my RIGHT knee from overcompensating - protecting the LEFT knee from the day before. With each step, the pain grew more and more intense - gravitating into my calf, and up into my thigh eventually into my shin and quad & hammy . No amount of stretching would alleviate the pain.

For 5 months I had trained at 15 min - 11 minute miles. With the knee pain, Saturday, I walked 11 miles in 7 hours... what a nightmare. (the math is ugly)  I convinced my team mate, Scott, to go on ahead - I'd meet him at one of the pit stops.  Begrudgingly he did, I was thankful - felt guilty for holding him back too...

Making it halfway , at the lunch stop, I talked with Medic - Orthopedic doc who told me she thought I had torn miniscus (spell?) in my right leg & I had 2 choices: either walk the balance Saturday & miss the closing ceremony Sunday OR take the bus back to camp, Ice, rest, ICE and make it to closing on Sunday, my choice.

Discouraged, sweating profusely, drained physically & mentally and crying like a baby, I relented & sat in the GREYHOUND-type bus, FILLED WITH PEOPLE GOING BACK TO CAMP  - every one who had medical issues. 1 of 2 buses FILLED - that went back to camp- filled with folks who could not complete the day.

Were we all "failures"? There were people with cancer who walked more than I did...

As it turned out, I learned a huge lesson that day. The "goal" was not the "60 miles"... the "goal" is the "eradication of breast cancer". The goal is healthy bodies.

Of the almost 2000+ people at the event - 300 of them were VOLUNTEER CREW: people who didn't walk an "official" mile, but were available to help, encourage, cheer, carry, set-up or ANYTHING needed - THEY WERE HEROES! There were people who walked a TOTAL of 2 miles in 3 days - THEY WERE HEROES! There were 87 who were forced to leave the event on FRIDAY due to illness (numerous with the flu) - they had trained & raised money and loved and were moved passionately and they were unable to complete the walk.... THEY WERE HEROES.

We all played a part - we all were a vital part of the "whole"...

A few weeks earlier I had been given advance notice: I was asked to prepare something to speak at camp Saturday night. From my heart, anything I wanted to say. Wow. What a charge. Where to begin? I had a "clue" - had been sort of, kind of rehearsing for a week. But it was based on imagining having been "victorious" and completing 2 days of miles. (45) I hadn't taken into account being bused back to camp.

Stink.

I believe I was allowed to experience Saturday's discouragement to better relate to ALL those who gave of themselves and who would not be walking the "full 60". Whether Survivors or Crew or Medics or Staff or Walkers - we all, together, formed a compassionate army - demonstrating the "power of the individual and the dynamic force of many".

For all who inspired us to walk, to raise money, to raise awareness - they are the heroes! The Donna Szabo's the Janice Vignas and the Karen Guito's! The walkers, the "stalkers", the stage manager, the sound person - everyone involved... We all were heroes!

I closed the session by singing a few lines: "I will never be the same again. I will never return, I've closed the door. I will walk the path, I will run the race (for the Cure) and I will never be the same again"... (I have been touched, forever...)

Cheers, tears and thanks-you's overwhelmed me that night. People who had felt like failures, now felt encouraged - like they were STILL a powerful piece of the puzzle.

I found myself surrounded by strangers who needed to hug / thank me (hug fest) and I was moved - dramatically changed, affirmed ... wow.  (Abby-Jill - "sun princess cancer survivor/fighter" & her team "Abby's Hope"- danced and rejoiced and exhibited pure, uninhibited JOY - LIFE in ACTION! They warmly included me into the "fold" and we sweated & wiggled to the music until lights out at 9:00!)

Bedtime 9:00 and crashed - floating in the love of Christ - all snuggled in His loving arms... (and the air mattress was losing air... but anyway! haha)

3:00 Sunday morning our camp was awakened with howling wind, drenching rain and a safety team member shouting: "Leave your tents NOW!  Go to the closest building!  NOW!"  Tornado warning! We ran (all 2000 walkers) to the nearest building. Storm passed (had dropped 20 degrees - ahh, a reprieve!) and we went back to the "wasteland" that had been our camp. Our tent was still intact. Others next to ours were not. Thanking God for keeping us safe, we broke camp and began the day on our last 18 miles to Montrose Harbor to closing ceremonies.

My team mate (Scott Coker) and I joined Abby-Jill and her team for breakfast and decided to spend the day as ONE team. Scott was walking and fund raising in her honor. We determined to walk victoriously into closing together, he with swollen, hurting groin, me with my strained right knee. We collected ourselves and began the day.

Abby-Jill walked. She laughed and giggled. She asked me how my sore, sore knee was and I had FORGOTTEN that I couldn't walk, the day before - it was gone - no pain, no strain - totally gone! Abby-Jill claimed that I had been healed ! She laughed with her squeaky voice (HELIUM WOMAN! medicine affected her voice - I actually didn't realize it was "squeaky" -she sounded AWESOME - to me! :)

Abby-Jill walked (Abby from previous post - I've gotta tell about her again - she's a walking miracle!) And walked. And walked. A real trooper. She walked when we KNEW she should take a van but she was determined. Every crossroad she'd stop, stretch and cough - so deep - we hurt for her.

She'd stand and face forward and she walked some more. 

(Courage in action.  Faith in action.  Christ empowered her and I got the PRIVILEGE of observing it. How amazing...)

Abby-Jill was determined to walk to closing to be part of the "survivor ceremony".

She made it.

We walked across the finish line at 4:30 p.m. - hand in hand, arm in arm - victorious. My little blister "boo-boo" put into perspective by her amazing strength, courage and passion to squeeze each drop out of life that she could - squeeze and drink deeply (was easier than breathing...)

She is my hero.

I have so many, now.

The weekend was a blur - a big 'ol, pink, cozy, loving, amazing blur... and believe it, or not - there are more thoughts, more words."

Already registered for next year, I'm building a team of Passionate Pinksters who long to make a difference one step, one dollar, one breast cancer fact at a time: every 3 minutes someone receives a diagnosis of breast cancer.  every 13 minutes breast cancer takes a life.  1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer...

How can we ignore the facts?   
I can't.  I just can't.

And so...I walk...