Adventures of a Passionista

Dedicated to Flora R, Kay C, Karen G, Becky R,

...Judy M., Donna S., Janice R., Janice V., Paulette Y. ,  Kenita K. and countless other SLAYERS whom I adore.

I found this poem and thought of you!!!  With love and admiration...

 

"CANCER SLAYER"         

by Sabrina Esposito, Vero Beach, Florida

Passages to strength
Come in many forms and lengths,
Survival of the fittest,
The biggest
Lessons learned
Appear only when earned,
When fate turns
Its back on you,
Misconstrued,
Subdued
With questions of how and why,
Will I die?
How many tears am I able to cry?
The inquiries never seem to subside,
Outside,
I am a warrior-Braveheart if you will,
Yet within the walls of my ivory skin lies a disease that will kill
At will
With no prejudice or bias,
Ready to guide us
To our Maker of life

Where there lies no strife,
Maybe finally a day of peace
The heartaches will cease,
But my soul tells me to get up and fight
It is not my time to go towards the light,
The flight
That is destined for me
Is to be
The leader of every community
To help them see
It is not about you or I – it is about we,
I will not be added to the list of the deceased

Time of death 12:43,
Any demon can be defeated
As long as in the Lord’s hands you are seated,

(sigh)

I AM HERE
And yet you have been gone for slightly over 2 years,
And it’s amazing how my smiles take the place of those tears,
I now hope…instead of fear
And I pray that my message to all is crystal clear,
I stared Cancer right in the face
Not with anger but with womanly grace
And told it to get the hell out of this place!!!!

 

Copyright Sabrina Esposito

"Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer"

NWIN Law Enforcement Cops for a Cure  will be heading to Chicago August 5 - 7  to walk - on purpose - 60 miles in 3 days.  All for an amazing cause...

                            The following is a re-write of an article written in August of 2007 ..

Having just completed walking 60 +/-miles in 3 Days,with hundreds of emotional moments and sound bites replaying in my mind, the one that resounds loudest was sitting on the concrete steps, adjacent to the Michigan Ave sidewalk, East of Randolph, at Millennium Park (Chicago) - less than 2 miles from FINISH LINE!!

Walking past him, at approximately #1200 out of #2400 walkers, "he" sat there shaking his head "no" (side to side) repeating this chant: "Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer!"

Over and over...

"Walkin' ain't gonna cure breast cancer."

He continued shaking head no, no, no - looking at anyone who would look at him, square in the eye...

"Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer."   Over and over he shook his head and repeated his chant...

Not being able to stand it any longer, and in my most intelligent of replies I retorted "well walking is doing a lot more than you are just sitting there, buddy."

Did I REALLY just say that?

Yep, now THAT was an intelligent, educational, kind and enlightening reply.

Wow.

The day before, Day 2, thousands were walking -a mammoth SEA of Pink:  BOOBs on sun visors, BOOBS of various NAMES written all over shirts: "Titty-titty Bang Bang", "Boob-i-licious", "Happy Hooters", "Boob Supporters", "Itty-BItty-Titty-Committee", etc.

There were PINK ribbons, PINK hats, PINK boas, male cops and firefighters in PINK shirts directing traffic and cheering the walkers on.  It was a virtual PINK FEST and a lady approaches the gal I was striding with at the time and asks: "what is all this pink for? what's the walk for??

Stopping her stride, and looking at her with daggers, my friend replied: "are you kidding me? (pregnant pause) for real? (another pregnant pause) It's for BREAST CANCER! BREAST CANCER!"

Curious lady vanished into a local storefront - most likely licking her wounds... ouch...

There's something about being a cancer survivor (like my bristling friend) or co-survivor or Breast Friend Forever of a breast cancer survivor- that makes one sensitive or passionate (both, actually) about this disease. Hmm, could be simply the "life and death!" factor...or the possibility that our children could grow up motherless that surely makes us a tad sensitive...

And we who are possessed with the spirit of advocacy, of awareness of the need to fight in a compassionate army - and battle in a war for healthy bodies - we PRESUME people "get" us.

get "pink"

get "it"

But the realities are this:
1) Pink is a color
2) Pink will not cure breast cancer
    --wearing pink on our head, pink bra over our clothes, pink ribbons pinned all over our bodies     while walking and passing out breast health information and sharing the importance of early     detection - does NOT cure breast cancer NOR does it mean just because it matters to me that     it matters to the rest of the world...

Which brings us to walking...
    "walking" in and of itself truly WILL NOT cure breast cancer. As much as it troubled me what     the smart-butt guy said - "walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer" - he was right... it will make         us feel stronger, create a healthier body ... but it won't CURE...

BUT: walking in the midst of a compassionate army - makes the army feel stronger, and less         alone in the battle

BUT: walking through sleepy or vibrant communities generates curiosity and curiosity often         breeds awareness and awareness results in more people understanding that EARLY         DETECTION SAVES LIVES, which also raises awareness of the need for regularly         performing BSE 's (Breast Self-Exams) , which create people who want to DO something         because either THEY have breast cancer, or someone they adore does - which converts a         previously- complacent-lalalala lady walking into the neighborhood drug store into someone         who wants to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in the world, which turns them into         active warriors to fight in this army, raise vital funds for investment in research that we         believe will one day SOON - not only find THE CURE, but will find the CAUSE of cancer -         breast cancer - all cancers.

Until no one has to ask what all the pink people are walking for...

Until no one has to say "walkin' ain't gonna cure breast cancer"... for the only reason that BREAST CANCER WILL NO LONGER EXIST IN THE PRESENT BUT WILL ONLY BE FOUND IN A HISTORY BOOK - until THAT TIME...

...we walk

... in pink.

(can't wait to get rid of all the stinking pink in my closet... can't wait until pink is just a COLOR)

On Fighting

A little over a year ago my life took a turn - it took many turns, actually, but one, in particular helped change the course of my future...

I discovered  a girl. 

She had just received the horrid diagnosis of breast cancer. A fighter by nature, this girl dug in, face forward, and met each challenge with a MISSION to communicate to the world during one of the most difficult legs during her (then) 39 year old journey... this FIGHT was met with courage, determination, honesty, authenticity and transparency of such magnitude that it rallied a Region, and lifted up a community.   Transparency during the ups and downs  - that is usually reserved for only the "closest of family"  - this girl - opened her heart, her life and her battle up to the world...

...and the world followed her journey, loving her from afar and she loved them back.

Her parents both, died early of cancer... her mom was 39 when she lost her battle to cancer.

Officer Flora Ryan  #139 :

diagnosed at  

39,

OVERCAME cancer,

and today - June 22, 2011 

is   

40.

Forty.

 

When asked by someone clueless to the significance of this birthday: "how do you feel about being FORTY?!!" (as if it were OLD, or something!)  Flora replied: "I can't WAIT! I want to be 50 and 60 and 70 and 80!!!!"

Puts it all in perspective.

I love this girl, this Flora Ryan. And how I respect her!  Having watched her good days, rough days, and great days and all the changes in between this past year, I've seen in her a true Hero.  a SHE-RO.  She has taught me (her Elder , haha!) what FIGHT "looks like"... overcoming chemo, and radiation and all the side effects, while mothering children, and loving on her wonderful, newly-wedded husband and giving time and space to the world around her... then diving right back into work  (her calling - her mission) - defending, protecting and serving our community with passion and drive... a bald-headed beauty now sporting 3 inch wavy hair - she plowed into life with a zeal and zest that shouted to the world "I am here! I am in! I am going to Fight Like a Girl and I am going to win!"

Today, at the ripe young age of 40, she did WIN! ... she is... and she will continue to shine the way and connect with those who, themselves, have a battle before them.

"Happy Birthday, dear Flora.  You have shaken my, our world... and have enriched our lives... We had no clue how we, ourselves would be changed and inspired by you... thank you!   Here's to 40 more  as daily you continue to Fight Like A Girl! "

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

Relay for LIFE!

My heart is heavy with the intensity of recent loss coupled with the poignant reminder that over the past 40 years of my 55, cancer has robbed me and our family of loved ones... It is an evil thief.

Tonight's Relay for Life I walk in

MEMORY OF:

Aunt Mildred McCallister Merriman , 48   (breast cancer)

Aunt Mary Lou McCallister, 80   (lung, bone cancer)

Grandpa Grover Cleveland McCallister (protate/ bladder cancer)

Father-in-Law William Gehrels (prostate cancer)

Aunt Peggy (Allen) Sandburg,   (lung, brain cancer)

Friend  Abby-Jill  Marie Brauhn, 43   (breast cancer)

 

While heavy hearted for those who have lost their battle, I REJOICE and CELEBRATE LIFE! with those who have battled and OVERCOME this beast!

 I walk in HONOR and SUPPORT of these:

(in alphabetical order)

Jim Carpenter !

Michelle Carugati-Caldwell !

Kay Cherepko!

Barb George !

Karen Guito!

Judy McCallister !

Rachel Miller!

Joe Morales!

Becky Robbins !

Flora Ryan!

Donna Szabo!

Paulette Young!

Roz Varon !

Janice Vigna!

and so, so many others!!!

 

We walk, we relay, we raise awareness and funds - all in Hope and Prayer for a Cure!

 

 

 

"Walk on..."

"So much work to do. So many more lives to touch. Onward and upward. Continue to look up - no limits."

I received this encouragement this morning as result of fears being dissolved with the shocking revelation:  I am very healthy.  Prepped for biopsy and no need for one.  Tests were good. Great. No cancer. No anything.  What caused doc such immediate concern tested "normal" when testings were done.

How is it possible to have mixed feelings about such amazingly, wonderful news?

But mixed feelings I do have.

I am supremely grateful that I am healthy.

And I am incredibly sad that others, more trusting, more faithful  and no less "deserving" of "good news", however ... yesterday others DID receive BAD news... and I am grieved that some, yesterday  DID lose their own battle with a diseased body.

For that my heart - though rejoicing - also grieves...

And yet - I am shocked - amazed at such goodness that my life has been surrounded by.  Normally one to bear down, stay well-hidden in the process of quietly overcoming such personal issues , this time, by opening up, I found an abundance of hope and faith and support that I truly was blown away by. So grateful for such love. So amazed by such outpouring of humanity, each one representative of their own "lives' issues" and yet each one so supportive.  Wow.

So, now with issues explained and the subsequent clearing out of doubts and fears - my mind moves forward and outward...

There are so many people to support, to encourage, and to salt lotsa love into...

 

And so, as my dear friend encouraged me :      

"So much work to do. So many more lives to touch. Onward and upward.

Continue to look up - no limits." 

I take this challenge, seeking God's leading as we g0,  head on out...   and walk on!

 

(8 weeks to 60 miles in 3 Day!  Chicago - here we come!)

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

 

Courage

It can create a little concern when you call to establish a new doctor / patient relationship and the nurse you speak with , upon hearing the issues/symptoms, asks you to hold, then returns to the phone and says, "doctor would like to see you tomorrow"...

And it can cause a little concern when new doc does see you   and says, "sweetie, we need to get you in for a biopsy, I'd like to do it here in the office, and get it done quickly, also here's a card, I'd like you to see this doctor regardless - with your  history we need to be certain how we proceed  what your body will tolerate and not create further issues" - .

And it can also cause a little more concern when the Oncologist's office calls the next day, and states "we've gathered your files from the past ten years and would also like you to have the results of the upcoming tests and the biopsy sent to us asap".

So , in 1 weeks' time 2 upcoming tests, 1 biopsy ... and here we go.

Did she SAY the word "cancer" ? 

No.

Do the unspoken yet spoken things lead to that word? 

Yes.

Am I sitting here "knowing in my gut" (so to speak) that I do?

Heck no.

Am I wondering? 

Yes.

Planning?

Yes.

Praying?

Yes.

Nagged by doubt or fear catching me off guard?

Yes.

Holding on to fear?

NO!

The "orderly, logical side of me" is visualizing this life in this household and boys, grandson, parents with Alzheimer's, business to put to rest, bills to pay, bookkeeping to organize so "if' the "worst" happens my family won't be left in a lurch, and what do I want to do? and I'm darn well  GOING to go to a beach somewhere before and...

The EMOTIONAL side of me would cry out "NO", not now!...

Such things would torment a person's mind - for sure - if allowed to dwell there.

In my researching and rampant reading, I ran across something today that struck a chord - a nerve - in me and is absolutely simply, beautifully  profound - and stopped me in my tracks :                                                                                    

                                "Have the courage to live. Anyone can die."

                                                                                                                                -Robert Cody

Got it. 

A dear friend has thumped me in the noggin with truth recently - and just as powerfully - this THUMPED my NOGGIN, for sure!

Also, one of my favorite Scriptures , by far, is Psalm 13.

In reading this Psalm I see so much of my life - my dramatic lows, and exhuberant highs -all in 6 little verses  - just 6 little verses - and within those 6 verses  I feel a kindred spirit with David - the writer...

For the director of music. A psalm of David.   (a man after God's own heart! yes!) 

(Notice the 1st 4 is pure LAMENTING - crying out - why???? HELP ME!)

 ¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?

² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 

(Hold ON! This is where it get's gooood!)

 ⁵ But               ("BUT"! midstream he CHOSE to CHANGE HIS THINKING!)

   I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 

⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me"

 

For me, this crying out and "willful choosing to take control of fearful, stinking thinking" is what gives me hope to know my momentary fear, or battle is not unknown, nor unexpected by God.

He knows me - my inmost thoughts and deepest, darkest hopes and longings... and He loves me. He chose me (you, us all!) and He loves me. He wants me.. He wants ME to have relationship - open and honest with Him.  I can approach Him with the real me - warts and all , He will always listen. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that is too overwhelming, too deep, too close, to anything that He cannot handle.

He can certainly handle a few doctors' appointments.

He can certainly handle my dreams and longings... and He is with me.

Knowing that gives me permission to be me, who He loves, and me is a girl who loves this life she's been gifted with.

So, dag nabbit, I'm gonna seek some Supernatural COURAGE get me some living done. :)

 

(thank you, Lord, for clarity!)

 

Here's to Living! Yes!

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

Keeping the flame... in the breast cancer fight...

When Abby-Jill moved out of her "earth suit" into her HEAVENLY one and is now TRULY "dancing with the stars" , she left behind a world that was made far better by her contributions to it.

I, for one, who has been proud (first mistake...)of being a "passionate person" in this beautiful "life dance", soon realized that my "passion" paled, by comparison to Abby-Jill's.

My team mate, Scott C., was fund raising and walking in her honor.   I met her in person, during the August 2007 Breast Cancer 3Day.   That day my life was permanently and INSTANTLY marked by her flame which burned deeply into my heart and mind. Passion? I had truly found what "passion" looked like... and it surely didn't look like me.

Debbie (Abby-Jill's sister) TIARA-wearing Abby-Jill (of course!) and their momma - day 3 - 2 miles from finish line!

How can someone who ,1.5 weeks prior, had fluid drained from her lungs, and who - just 5 days earlier had had chemotherapy - walk, laugh, walk, hug, embrace, laugh,  love, walk, giggle, jiggle, dance, dance, dance to the music that was in HER head.

So here's the thing: since having been "torched" (yes "torched" , "sparked by flame") by Abby-Jill, I've, unwittingly, become a Breast Cancer fighter-no-that's-not-a-strong-enough-word...WARRIOR.

Now look: what I didn't see were the tears. the hair loss.  the swelling. the pain, the agony, the horror that this disease caused as it created havoc in her body and consumed her.  Her loved ones did.

I grieve for her loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine - to feel their enormous loss...

But I can feel for them, and I can create a stir to cause awareness and, hopefully, generate just a little bit of concern and compassion from an ambivalent world...

And so,  I wear pink.  It's not because I like pink- pink - is a girly, good-girl, prissy-stinking color. .  More tom-boy than prissy, I'm more fond of chocolate and green and all things "earthy" - ...

Sadly, pink, in our current CULTURE often represents MARKETING MANIA at the expense of the pain, the sorrow, the struggle, the fight for life - that breast cancer causes.

Breast cancer is a killer.

Abby-Jill died at 43.

We were robbed.

Aunt Mildred Kirby (nee McCallister) died at 48.

We were robbed.

Breast cancer is a thief: stealing health and finances and time with loved ones.

There is nothing "pink" about it.

Pink won't bring 'em back.

May we not lose sight of what the battle really is.
May we continue to educate ourselves and refuse to "play in Pink".
Rather, may we use this nasty color to cause a stir, and in doing so, enrage a world that so complacently accepts wigs and drawn-on eyebrows as a way of making a cancer-ridden-patient "feel better"...

May we ask the questions... the difficult questions:

Early detection saves lives?
Early detection of something that is rampant - WHY IS IT RAMPANT?  WHY?
What factors cause cancer to begin with?
What chemicals in our environment, food, water contribute?

Find the contributing factors, then we don't need to "detect" anything...

Sigh.

And as nauseating and distasteful as it is, if wearing stinking PINK will create a stir that causes someone to ask me what's up  - I am willing to wear stinking PINK...

And so I walk - and always, always walking in memory of those who have lost their fight with this ugly disease , in honor of those who battle and in support of those whose lives are personally affected by it.

The flame of life that Abby-Jill had, that was extinguished in her death caused by breast cancer - carries on in those of us who refuse to sit by and allow breast cancer to take all of our loved ones...

without a fight.

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

Sowing

Sowing

While it’s not that I fear death                                                                                                                                        

Mine is the understanding that there is forever- more…                                                                                                      

    ...eternity.

No, it's not that I'm  afraid of dying –                                                                                                                   

of leaving this Earth-suit, of shedding off mortality.                                                                                                                                                         

It’s that I am just now settling into my skin.

I am just now beginning to see with eyes older,                                                                                             

yet with clearer vision,

those around me

Who, themselves, are navigating this lovely planet with their own vision,                                               their own task,

their own mark to make.

How I long to make mine.     

A mark.

To touch another.                                                                                                                                                                 

to make a difference                                                                                                                                                             

In my world.                                                                                                                                                                              

In this world.                                                                                                                                                                                            

In His world.

To be known as one who loved well                                                                                                                               

To be remembered as one who was willing to be what another would or could not –                              

in the name of Love.

To bring a smile                                                                                                                                                                         

A warmth                                                                                                                                                                                     

A most-welcome touch to a soul that hungers to hear hope.

To share the One who has,                                                                                                                                      Himself,                                                                                                                                                                                  

Fully, completely, eternally - given that hope.

Oh I am not afraid of dying…                                                                                                                                            

It’s just…                                                                                                                                                                                 

Now that I am beginning to fully understand the depth and height of Such Love..                                         

I do so hunger to do more ,                                                                                                                                      

wasting less, far less time                                                                                                                                                      

to sow Such Love...

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

80th Birthday. (no "happy" about it)

 

No birthday candles.

No birthday cake.

No balloons.

No the same $20.00 passed from sister to sister in a "for my Sister" birthday card.

No celebration.

However...

...many tears

...much, so much pain

80 years today and the cancer cells are continuing to consume her now 68 pound body..bones are hurting so , so badly... lung tumor is growing causing labored breathing... now invading her brain, multiple fractures through her rib cage - bones compromised to the point of one wrong move could snap her little self...

...and she cries...

...deep, heart-wrenching sobs, shaking her little shoulders face pinched up in a howling wail of "I don't know what is happening to me!" " I hurt, I hurt..."

...and in one INSTANT she gathers herself and tries so hard to control herself - control her fear.

She tries so hard to remind her own mind that the worst part of these circumstances is her attitude about the circumstances...

...and the evil beast, Alzheimers, is keeping her from remembering just why she is dying...why she is now dependent on others as her caregivers after living her entire adult life - single, self-providing, never married, no children, always doing everything that needed to be done to give herself a good life...

and she tries and she tries this mental dance of "Mary - now stop this!"... (stop what? she forgets!)

HOW DO YOU BATTLE YOUR MIND WHEN YOUR MIND IS BATTLING YOU?

And yet, she regroups for yet one more round and says "I'm ready - I've lived a good life... I've had great friends, have traveled to Alaska, Panama Canal, took a trip with Darlene in Arizona - I'm content... I'm ready. I am so ready"...

...and then she forgets what she was saying and forgets why she is hurting (I must have fallen) as the tumor growing out of her bone is filling up her leg...

("honey, it's getting better then I can go home soon")

...

and I pray to God that, indeed, in His infinite wisdom - He allows her - please, God, please let her go "home"...

What kind of niece am I?

sad.

very sad.

and determined.

cancer is killing my loved ones.

alzheimers is killing my loved ones.

and I will do what I can to love them through this...

...and when they are gone - to help find / fund a cure.

but this hurts.

and

for this 80th birthday...there is no happy about it.

Picture of Mary Lou & I 1right before Christmas 2010... she was "rebounding" in a Hospice Center. They controlled her pain & the bugger began eating again! Stronger was moved to a nursing home... where she now resides getting the loving care and med she needs now that she is in final stages ... (I could not bring myself to show her now...) those sparkling eyes are the Mary I know.

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

More than a number...

           

Portage Police Officer Flora Ryan

 

                     
Judy, John Ryan (loving, supportive! husband, Sarge) , Flora Ryan,  Roz Varon                                (interviewing Flora for TV Special that aired 10/10)

Officer Flora Ryan's interview w/ Roz Varon ABC Chicago

 

# 139   

# 5892

#139 + #5892 = PINK POLICE!!!!

#139= One amazing lady  who's FIGHT LIKE A GIRL - has energized a Region

#5892 = Five thousand, eight hundred, ninety-two ---- People

"Fans"

5892 precious people who started  - one by one - as a Voice of Encouragement to Officer Flora Ryan - upon her diagnosis (last March 2010) and support for Relay for Life involvement (June 2010) but have grown into one of the most incredible support systems , prayer team, brothers and sisters in the fight: survivors, co-survivors, Thrivers and those who just want to make a difference and RELATE to others who have "been there"  - all gathered together on the wacky social-media format: Facebook - across the country and the world!

Pink Ribbon #139 magnets on cars/motorcycles from California, to Florida, to South Carolina to Canada... encouragement and $ support - all toward Susan G. Komen for the Cure... over $18,000.00 thus far - magnets and bracelets... wow... such love, such support, HUMANITY DOES CARE!

So THANK YOU!  Pink Police thanks you!  (NWIN Law Enforcement) Cops for a Cure - thanks you!

You've helped change our world... for the better...

...trusting that we're "in" until we don't need to be...

Together - for the Cure!

(NWIN Law Enforcement) Cops for A Cure

 Susan G. Komen Chicago 3-Day for the Cure - Team Page

 

Taking the "post Breast Cancer 3-Day blues" and knocking them "upside the head"...

...sitting here recovering from the aftermath / the emotional upheaval / complacency of a world around me who may or may not be passionate about something / anything and I read the post of the Breast Cancer 3-Day National Spokesperson : Jenne' Fromm...

Perspective...

Check it out... you might get the same "reality check" I just got...

...dang, my noggin's aching - hit a bit too hard...

The Breast Cancer 3-Day is a lifestyle more than ...

a mere 3-Days, 14 times this year.

Yes it's 3-days.

Oh, but the LIFE of effort, communication, planning, plotting, encouraging, walking, fund raising, fun raising, HAIR-RAISING (and pinking and shaving before it falls out - our dear bud Patty) that happens days, weeks, MONTHS in preparation - turns event participants into  "nearly-consumed" breast cancer activists that oft must choose - purposefully CHOOSE FAMILY over "doing"...

Tomorrow is the day before the event.
Tomorrow is in 47 minutes.
Tomorrow is  one day closer to walking/ talking/ sweating/ blistering with 2200 of my closest-new-friends.

In 3 days it will be over...
In 3 days I will be wondering what to do next
In 2 days I will most surely, re-register for next year - because it is inside of me.
I can't get it out.Don't want to. MUST create awareness. MUST raise funds. MUST support survivors. MUST, MUST, MUST...

(Here we go again & this one "ain't" over yet.)

I just hope I get my household chores done before my OBSESSION starts again...

No breast cancer. Fibroids, yes. NO cancer. Bye bye caffeine...

I know my breasts - all the lumps & bumps... this was different. This was painful.  This was scary, and this was self-induced... caffeine.

Therefore, I can make changes and say good-bye to painful lumps...

And good-bye to the fear of breast cancer - (ugly fear, by the way)

...on to the 3-Day in 3days!!!!

(Still reeling from the great news)

10 mile Breast Cancer 3-Day training walk in 30 minutes...

...but I'd really like to curl up back in bed, but I can't sleep, so why try.  Have been up since 3:45 am researching breast cancer.

This internet thing has gotten out of hand.

I have an old set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica in my storage room.  Bought them to circumvent college and read through to educate myself ( ah, the glow of pot.)    Actually, they're now 32 years old and look brand new - as in - virtually unopened.

So, obvious that I'm no more educated by the $800.00 set (although beautifully bound with gold edges) than before the purchase (like me standing in a garage all day going "vroom, vroom" will still not make me a car) - I find my need to glean information - thirst really- quenched by spending awfully, ridiculous amounts of time going here and there in search for "more input".

Training & fund raising for the 08 Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day (08/08/08) my world has been consumed with educating myself with breast cancer information, facts, risks, yada, yada, yada...

One of my team mates was recently told by her doctor that she's getting "ideas in her head" from the 3-day about her body.  Hmmm really?  You mean that painful lump is from reading the Komen website, and could have nothing to do with the fact that I HAVE A PAINFUL LUMP???

So, while in training for the many miles to walk, in a row (60 in 3 days) I've discovered that hmmm I have soreness in one breast.  So change bras - I'm right in between cup sizes & hard to fit all this loose skin - cup too big - no support - can cause pain?  cup too small - squished - can cause pain?  Okay, well during BSE (breast self exam) and discovering a lump, oh and puckering, oh and slight nipple discharge -classic symptoms of breast cancer (is there such a thing) ...

All this to say - I am waiting for results from one test, while waiting to have 2 more tests this next week while waiting to walk in the breast cancer 3-day while thinking I have breast cancer.

And I've got nothing more to say about the matter...

so I'll go walk...

and then research some more.

"married to" the Breast Cancer 3-Day... hmm where does my HUSBAND fit in?

Having spent way too many hours:
1) on the planning of and execution of events for Fund Raising  every weekend in June and
2) walking with my team in training for way too many miles and 3) way too many hours (so far the most was 8 hour stint) and
4) walking with my very own self  (so far the most was a 6 hour alone, stint)  and
5) then way too much time showering, re-showering and doing laundry to clean all the way too many sweaty walking clothes and
6) then focusing on actually WORKING HARD to make my 16 year old well aware that HE matters - that HIS projects and practices and dances and Youth Group events and social life are important to me (to us, as parents) - (even while spending way too much time breathing, thinking, walking, yada, yada The 3-Day)....

and... (taking another deep breath)

then...  (here we go)

spending way too much time:
1) living in , loving in, working in and being Power of Attorney in my sweet little "elder land"

(my sweet pop)

2) working on fine-tuning-to-sell our office building which our family business has operated out of (still) for almost 30 years...

(Sweet little momma: legally blind and fighting Alzheimer's - trying to keep books for a rental property business... hmmm - she's always been fantastic - until...)...

3) cooking meals for my folks with enough to share with my sweet little Uncle (grieving the loss of his wife of 52 years - I think he'd starve to get to see her sooner)

4) and, and, and...

spending so much time loving and serving my world:

1) that I have seriously, sadly, dangerously neglected the One who created me to serve the world and

2)
that I have seriously, sadly, dangerously neglected  the one whom He has given me to love me, cherish me, support me (see who get's the attention?)

... I have pushed this sweet man to the side, and there he patiently remains
...I have given him my leftovers, and there he sweetly supports
...I have fallen asleep just before opportunities for intimacy - where we've showered and spruced up for each other - all to find me sawing logs - and he, sweet, loving man that he is - just climbs in beside me and patiently waits ---yet another time...

I have served the world and ignored my marriage.

This weekend is a celebration of "us".

We're headed to Chicago, just the 2 of us.

No training.
No fund raising.
No children.
No elders.
No dog.
No phone calls.
No internet.
No laundry.
No interruptions.

We are spending the weekend doing what we love to do: watch people, hang, snuggle, touch in oh-so-familiar ways, and seek to re-connect after living in the same house, in the same bedroom, sharing the same life in the same world for way too long without connecting.

Oh, and for the record: he thinks I'm beautiful, amazing, cute, funny and that everything I'm involved in is "me".   It makes me "me" and he loves me for it.

How weird is that?  The very things about me that keep me away from him, are the very things he finds appealing and makes him willing to wait.

   

This man, singing the National Anthem just before a race - on Memorial Day, is the man I love. With a voice that sounds like honey - warm, smooth, amber goodness, and a heart that trusts and loves me in a way no other has ever loved me -  I truly adore this man.

I love him.
I respect him.

Thank you, honey, for being the most amazing husband and cheerleader a "passionista" could ever dream of...  by believing in me and supporting me the way you do, you allow me the freedom to "be me" .   

That very freedom draws me home, always home ... to you.

Long walking eats up...

hours, feet, builds bodies, eats up hours (worthy of a second mention), and is a must if I'm going to succeed in walking my 2nd Breast Cancer 3-Day this August 8 - 10, in Chicago.

Personally, in order to get long miles in, I've sometimes had to break it up in the day:  9 miles am, 8 pm or 12 am & 4 pm...  this season is difficult for sure, but when looking at my new friend, Patty B.'s life, right now, it puts my "stuff" into perspective...

A week ago, yesterday (Monday) Patty's port-a-cath insertion punctured her lung, didn't know it until she was beginning round 2 of chemo & couldn't breathe..xray then showed what had happened.. numerous times hospitalized in the last week & a day ...the hole kept getting bigger - lung collapsed late last week - she's home now - weak - FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE.... literally.

Patty was told, at the diagnosis of breast cancer, that the type she has is Sarcoma.  And the type she has has less than 1% survival rate.

Less than 1% survival.

Lesser people would give in. Patty's choosing to fight...  Her survival rate has now been elevated to over  40%... She's choosing LIFE! or is trying to...

...and I'm moaning about how hard walking is - not so much the walking,
but making the TIME to do so...practicing for 60 miles in three days
is a huge undertaking - even BEFORE attempting  to WALK
60 miles in 3 Days...

I keep thinking "what's the big deal about walking 60?  we've made the money (or committed to it) in order to walk, they can take the $$'s and send it researcher's way..."

...then I think about those whose lives we represent:
the ones we are walking for  because they are no longer here...
the ones we are walking for because they're here, but too sick and can't
the ones we watched suffer - the ones we love still- and long to DO SOMETHING to make it better...

and then I remember "WHY" we walk.

We walk because, as the 5 or 6 of us training and fund raising in the community as Warriors in Pink  have seen - PEOPLE NOTICE, it RAISES AWARENESS, and builds solidarity - visibility in events, and walking en mass creates a POWERFUL STATEMENT of "issue, concern, passion, and longing to make a better world"...

We walk - because we can.

Then we make plans for childcare and struggle to make the miles / hours...

We spend too much money on gear that will help us endure, protect our feet & hopefully keep West Nile Virus bugs off of our hopefully non-chafed , oft achy, weary, bodies -

Then, once back home, we try making up for the time spent away from our families, by overdoing attention and affection when we really want to just 'BE" or zone out - just REST...

...and we look toward a near future, when all this really culminates - when it matters... when the walk is in progress and we're caught up in the tide of humanity - in the swell of emotion and passion and purpose...

...and we look farther down the road, to a day, a time, a world where our children only hear those words that strike fear into the hearts of even the strongest of people (_________  cancer)  - the day- yes THE DAY , when they only READ THOSE WORDS in a classroom in a school (or home!) from a HISTORY BOOK ...

...and we will look back and know that we were part of something far bigger than ourselves, and our own agendas and lives... we invested our blood, sweat and tears into a legacy of health for our children and their children's children...

...and it will have all been because we laced up our shoes and took the first step...

...that is a legacy worth walking for.

Breast Cancer 3-Day and butt muscles... no stopping now...

You don't "not train" hundreds of miles for months that should have been spent creating a lean, mean, walking machine - all to try to stroll 10.14 miles on Saturday and 15 miles of Sunday and, in the "not training" you've come to realize that when you do stupid things - like pretending to be a marathon-walker... your body has no choice but to hurt where you didn't know you had muscles and to desire to sleep, sleep, sleep (but can't - who has time???) to recover.... oh well...

I mean, I didn't start out on this Breast Cancer 3-Day season with the intention of not training for MILES and MILES prior to what is called "back to backs"...

But, nonetheless, life happens - life happened and stuff, many kinds of stuff, people - responsibilities sickness,feels-like-heart-attack-pain-go -to-hospital-admitted for days- kind of pain - but healthy heart muscle says "go for it" and so I do...

Like many miles. . . in a row... with these lovely strong, Warrior Women..... We walk, we talk, we raise funds and awareness and we pull butt muscles, because people like

these people - who will be standing in different spots, this Chicago 3-Day, because their CENTRAL focus - AbbyJill Brauhn - the lovely in the white ball cap,  is no longer with us on this planet, because with all the advancements and dollars spent on "why" and "how" and"what" of Breast Cancer we've yet to have found a cure.... and this beauty is gone.

My butt muscle is just no big deal.  It hurts - but sometimes pain, itself, is a lovely reminder that we're here, breathing and are given the opportunity to walk for awareness - walk for fundraising - walk in MEMORY, to walk in SUPPORT and to walk - simply because we can...

Warriors in Pink on the Breast Cancer 3-Day: raising awareness, money and PINK MOHAWKS

Wal-Mart Fundraiser 6/14/08
Warriors in Pink (top left to right: Leah, Teresa & friend Mickey) Amy, bottom: L - R - Judy, AnnMarie, friend PATTY, AnnMarie's daughter-Adriana, friend PATTY & mom, and  Sheila )joined by friends & family offered breast health information, artisan crafted jewelry, FancyFlops, Adopt-A-Ducky, Warriors in Pink temp tattoos & scarves, baked goods and grateful smiles to all who graced our tables yesterday.

Some observations from our adventure:
1) some people suck
2) some people don't

3) people living in the "fire" of "struggle" (read that disease, poverty, etc.) tend to have larger hearts
4) people living with a "more" attitude are oh-so-small-and-in-reality-have-so-little-which-stinks-for-them-cuz-they-never-have-enough-and-have-fat-wallets-cuz
they're-on-a-"get this next thing" budget-while-the-world-goes-"to hell in a handbasket" and they're saving for "more"... which is so very sad and so very small and just don't get me started
5) love comes in many shapes and sizes and colors and smiles
6) people (read that "person" - actually read that "Patty B" in Pink mowhawk) with Sarcoma and less than 1% survival rate have so much love to give and live life so largely and squeeze out every-last-drop of joy from every minute of every day - and when in their presence (HER) you KNOW, you KNOW, you KNOW you've just looked into the eyes of an "angel-here-on-earth", and you KNOW, you KNOW, you KNOW your life will never be the same with her in it, and you KNOW it drives you (me and my amazing Warriors) to DO MORE! Raise awareness MORE!  Raise $$$'s MORE and Give MORE so that somewhere someday soon angels-in-brand-new-pink-Mohawks, with one "new booby" and one "new 2-week-husband who doesn't care if she has one or two boobies and hair or not" don't lose those Mohawks in a matter of weeks to some blasted Chemotherapy that is sure to kill GOOD cells and PRAY TO GOD it kills the C#NCER cells while it's at it..

Geesh.

(Take a breath and re-read that "item # 6"  it's profound - because SHE is profound...)

All that being said, I am, once again sorting through the pain of loving - loving the world that is in pain - often makes the lover of the world -ahem -- FEEL pain...

At 52, I know some things:
...all of what was listed , above...
...that LOVE is an unspoken glue that connects hearts- seen and unseen-
...I know that there are people in my life who are "idle-ing" through life without passion or purpose and my heart breaks for them that they know not what I'm speaking of or experiencing
...and as much as  my heart breaks for those dwelling in complacency, it breaks more for those who aren't..
for those who aren't are dwelling in the Land of Passion for Something Bigger than themselves...and those who aren't (living in the Land of Complacency, remember? hee)  are setting themselves up to Loving Largely... and it is, indeed, a GUARANTEE that if you "love large" you are gonna get hurt - badly hurt - because your HEART feels what their pain feels like - loving care and concern does that, you know.  And LOVING HEARTS connect with this GLORIOUS world on so many different levels, and LOVING HEARTS see more to love, everywhere they look, and with that brings even more heart-ache, because when you LOVE you CARE and when you CARE when those whom you LOVE experience PAIN---- so do you.

And that, my loves, that is when you (read that "I") SCRATCH THE SURFACE on the intense LOVE of the Heavenly Father for His Son and for the world - His kids..

Ah-ha... the Love of the Father...rejoicing with His kids who are rejoicing while hurting with His kids who hurt

And He loves me (read that "US") so much that He wants us to Love as He loves - pain and all- because in the loving and in the hurting is where  true LIFE and JOY is found ...

...now THAT's "Father's Day"...

...and the truth behind the phrase: "because I love you, honey... this is going to hurt me more than it does you..."

...indeed it does...

Ink for Pink - for the Breast Cancer 3-Day! --Tattoo Raffle--!!!

...for the CURE!

Nationally featured (Tattoo Magazine), acclaimed Tattoo artist: David Allen of Bluebird Tattoo, Portage, IN, has donated a $200.00 value tattoo for the Cure!

200 max raffle tickets to be sold (1 in 200 chance to win!)

$5.00 donation to my site link below = 1 raffle ticket (I'll email you your raffle ticket number to your provided email addy) entry in order of donation email time stamp.

Raffle drawing will be Saturday, July 26 by www.Random.org, "Random sequence generator" draw.

Must be 18 to enter raffle, winner must present ID.

Check out David's stunning work:
(at Bluebird: http://www.bluebirdtattoo.com/gallery.php then click on "David Allen")
(personal blog site: http://www.allentattoo.com/gallery/index.php )

Again: each $5.00 donation to my 3-day page = 1 Raffle ticket number assigned to you (given by email - so make sure to provide email addy!)

SITE LINK:
http://08.the3day.org/goto/JudyGehrels


email for questions, comments:
jgehrels@comcast.net

Family members not eligible to win. (stink!)

Living in Alzheimer's land while obsessing in 3-Day land

There is a direct correlation between the thief "memory loss" in my dear family and the amount of time I spend buried into breast  cancer awareness, fund raising, team building , community involvement and training for the Chicago Breast Cancer 3-day in August.

I don't know the term for taking the stress/ emotional upheaval I feel for every moment THEY stress over not remembering what day it is or how to write a check - and pouring it (my stress) into action by totally DIVING into another world.

Obsessing, really.  Why don't I OBSESS about memory loss?  Or aging? 

Could be living it one more moment than is necessary is more overwhelming than imaginable.
Could be my puny human mind cannot take one more moment of it than necessary (I think that was redundant)
(see?)

You see, that's it.

"Alzheimer's Land" is a land of repetition.
I said, "Alzheimer's Land" is a land of repetition.
...repetition.
over and over again, which is, of itself, repetition.
alot.
see, there again, is repetition.

Diving into community activism re: breast cancer awareness and fund raising -  is new! exciting! invigorating! Passionate! Hope for the future! Faith for the cure!

Maybe I just need help...
Maybe I just need help...

hmmm... definitely.

Carrie's fight continues... breast cancer is on the attack

Carrie - beautiful, blonde wife and momma, updated her CaringBridge Blog --- it's not good...

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2008 05:17 PM, CDT

                                                    

"Today I went to the doctor and found out the results of my PET scan. The cancer is growing. It is advancing in the bones. I am in severe pain most of the day and night.

I start chemo tomorrow. I will be having 2 kinds, Taxotere and Xeloda. The Taxotere is tolerable but the Xeloda has some pretty bad side effects.

I wish I had better news. There is one positive thing though. The cancer still remains in the bones and has not hit the soft tissue.

I wanted to update.  Sorry it has been so long but it was a long waiting period.

Love to you,

Carrie"

Okay, I don't know about you, but my heart is breaking for Carrie and her family.   This stinking thief (breast cancer)  is robbing  her of her health and is robbing her family of HER!

When the cure?
Where the cure?
How the cure?
Please, the cure, Lord...but until then, we fight, we raise AWARENESS and we RAISE FUNDS for breast cancer research and health initiatives.

Please - for Carrie - for Abby-Jill, for the Karen's (age 48 stage 3 - 4 kids) for Linda (breast cancer 2x - Radiation began yesterday) for YOUR loved ones past and present... please give and please pray... 
                                            

16.5 weeks till 3-Day and I'm s'posed to walk? like now?

I don't know what part of the word "training" I forgot about this season, but it dawned on me "gee I'm hosting a training walk Saturday, I should walk some before I get there". 

It's not that I"m not interested in walking . Last year I learned that walking gave me such a sense of freedom.  Nice 3.5 mph pace - yet I felt like my body became a "flying machine" - the freedom of being able to carry myself anywhere I set my eyes to.

Amazing.  Truly a gift from God, these machines He made... this machine has lost 13 lb in approx 5 days - from sick, so sick and no fluids or food.

I'm a physical mess.

Oh, and today was my 52nd birthday.

My, beautiful daughter-in-love made AWESOME healthy soup that I devoured and felt a semblance of beginnings of life in the form of baby-bursts of energy ...   the brief visit from son,dilove,grandbabylove was such a gift -in itself - let alone that they spent too much money on XBox American Idol game! we'll have fun - family singing, fun.

And my oh-too-patient husband surprised me with 8gig mp3 player.  I'm shocked. More than that I'm incredibly touched at how concerned he was over my ill health, especially these last 2 or 3 days...

October 01 I was given 6 - 8 hours -HOURS to live - I was dying from double Pulmonary Embolism.  Both lungs.  Suffocating and causing such strain on my heart.  9 days in ICU & 10 days in cardiac care -released to begin a new life - one where I appreciated each breath...

Wow. Each breath is a gift.  Looking back, I've overcome so much... even what has faded can so easily come back into focus with a reminder and it feels so fresh, once again.  And so painful.  Those days in ICU when it was touch and go, my husband looked into the face of a wife who statistically should not be there  (most double PE patients die).   Weak and frail.

My husband looked at me through those eyes yesterday.  I could read it there.  Bless his precious heart.  I take him so for granted.  And this life.  And each breath.  And  each step.

Walking in the 3-Day last year was a miracle for me, on so many levels.  Alive to walk. Breathing.  These 2 weeks of sick may have weakened me, and sidetracked my training, but the reality is - I will train, when I am stronger.  I will, again, be so grateful that this machine is still humming.  We walk in the 3-Day for HEALTHY BODIES - health from breast cancer, yes, but  - ultimately for HEALTH.

I won't feel guilty and push myself stupid to walk when I'm not fueled. or hydrated. or when I'm so sick.  Not even for an "official training walk".  Those who show  will get a map of the square.  My buds/teammates will carry on when I reach my limit.  It is what it is.

And when I'm stronger... I'll walk...because I can.

Back to basics - 3-Day style...

From "whiner" to "warrior" - I'm back!

Amazing what feeling "under the weather" does to one's view point - ashamed to admit that I wanted to "quit" ... my previous post was filled with "have had it's"...

While it's true I'm not thrilled about working with rude, disrespectful people, (previous post) I am fully devoted to this task - fighting this battle for the Cure for breast cancer - through awareness, community action / involvement and fund raising!

I will not be discouraged - I choose to continue - and I will proceed with fire and determination that will not be daunted by people who want me to walk , fundraise FOR them. Nope, we each must burn, or we will extinguish..

So, my friends... she speaketh, once again, of things pink and purposeful...

again...

until the task is done...

...the cure.

period.

Help! What do I do now?

I overdo.

Overwhelmed with life, I've been seeking refuge in passionately pursing awareness and funds for breast cancer research. Focused and driven and plowing ahead in fund raising event planning fury, I found myself grinding to a halt this week.

Sick, 102 fever, deep chest cough, no energy.
Oh, but that was nothing compared to the numerous late night, always inconvenient, phone calls I received throughout the week.

"I'm disabled, I had a truck run over my head. I've got pins in my ankles.  I was assigned to your team.  I can walk 10 miles.  I think.  My *&^%^ doctor won't give me a donation, I'm going to get pink tanks and socks and I've raised $10,200. and I dont want to walk alone. I could have joined a closer team but I would feel out of place (different culture) with "them"."

"So you have pins in your ankles now? How can you walk?"

"Oh, no, not now. I can't walk early morning because I need to take my anxiety medicine and it takes an hour to work, and do they have electric because I need a nebulizer, and I've still got walking pneumonia - I do smoke,too, can't quit".

Okay - all in about 2 breaths and I'm still stunned to this moment days later.

My heart is breaking.  What part of this person is "the least of these" that Christ talks about ("as you do to the least of these you do to Me")?  When do I run, not walk, to the nearest exit and pretend I'm not here when she calls again and again and always at really weird socially inappropriate times (10:45pm?).  My co-team captain told her (yes, she is also getting relentless calls) her mother-in-law's funeral was Saturday.  It was met with "I didn't call to get your sad news. I have some questions".

All the answers are available to her online or by phone call. Repeatedly we have told her to make the phone call to the right people.

I want to cry.
Scream.
Frustrated.
I'm no longer having fun.
I want to quit.
I won't.
But I want to flee.
When is "no" okay?
No answers here, just realizing the team is only as strong as it's weakest link.  Now, if that link appears to be "in need" - man, o, man this awesome team will (and is) step up to help.

However, when someone comes in pushy, pushy, grating, could care less about us, I want to nip it in the bud.

Just trying to figure out my next move, my responsibility ...

All I know is that "help!!" is the only word in my head right now...

Keeping the flame... in the breast cancer fight...

When Abby-Jill moved out of her "earth suit" into her HEAVENLY one and is now TRULY "dancing with the stars" , she left behind a world that was made far better by her contributions to it.

I, for one, who has been proud (first mistake...)of being a "passionate person" in this beautiful "life dance", soon realized that my "passion" paled, by comparison to Abby-Jill's.

My team mate, Scott C., was fund raising and walking in her honor.   I met her in person, during  the August 07, Breast Cancer 3-Day .  That day my life was permanently and INSTANTLY marked by her flame which burned deeply into my heart and mind. Passion? I had truly found what "passion" looked like... and it surely didn't look like me.

Debbie (Abby-Jill's sister) TIARA-wearing Abby-Jill (of course!) and their momma - day 3 - 2 miles from finish line!

How can someone who ,1.5 weeks prior, had fluid drained from her lungs, and who - just 5 days earlier had had chemotherapy - walk, laugh, walk, hug, embrace, laugh,  love, walk, giggle, jiggle, dance, dance, dance to the music that was in HER head.

So here's the thing: since having been "torched" (yes "torched" , "sparked by flame") by Abby-Jill, I've, unwittingly, become a Breast Cancer fighter-no-that's-not-a-strong-enough-word...WARRIOR.

Now look: what I didn't see were the tears. the hair loss.  the swelling. the pain, the agony, the horror that this disease caused as it created havoc in her body and consumed her.  Her loved ones did.

I grieve for her loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine - to feel their enormous loss...

But I can feel for them, and I can create a stir to cause awareness and, hopefully, generate just a little bit of concern and compassion from an ambivalent world...

And so,  I wear pink.  It's not because I like pink- pink - is a girly, good-girl, prissy-stinking color. .  More tom-boy than prissy, I'm more fond of chocolate and green and all things "earthy" - ...

Sadly, pink, in our current CULTURE often represents MARKETING MANIA at the expense of the pain, the sorrow, the struggle, the fight for life - that breast cancer causes.

Breast cancer is a killer.

Abby-Jill died at 43.

We were robbed.

Aunt Mildred Kirby (nee McCallister) died at 48.

We were robbed.

Breast cancer is a thief: stealing health and finances and time with loved ones.

There is nothing "pink" about it.

Pink won't bring 'em back.

May we not lose sight of what the battle really is.
May we continue to educate ourselves and refuse to "play in Pink".
Rather, may we use this nasty color to cause a stir, and in doing so, enrage a world that so complacently accepts wigs and drawn-on eyebrows as a way of making a cancer-ridden-patient "feel better"...

May we ask the questions... the difficult questions:

Early detection saves lives?
Early detection of something that is rampant - WHY IS IT RAMPANT?  WHY?
What factors cause cancer to begin with?
What chemicals in our environment, food, water contribute?

Find the contributing factors, then we don't need to "detect" anything...

Sigh.

And as nauseating and distasteful as it is, if wearing stinking PINK will create a stir that causes someone to ask me what's up  - I am willing to wear stinking PINK...

And so I walk - and always, always walking in memory of those who have lost their fight with this ugly disease , in honor of those who battle and in support of those whose lives are personally affected by it.

The flame of life that Abby-Jill had, that was extinguished in her death caused by breast cancer - carries on in those of us who refuse to sit by and allow breast cancer to take all of our loved ones...

without a fight.

Carrie's fight is for her life...

Carrie :blonde, beautiful, young, wife, mother of 2 gorgeous girls, Stage IV Cancer with metastisis to the bones - Carrie is a local Fighter!

She writes:

"Well, where do I start?

I was originally diagnosed in 1999 shortly after Jenna was born with stage 2, 3 positive nodes, estrogen receptor+. I was just 30 years old at the time. I had the usual chemotherapy Adriamyacin with Cytoxin, Taxol, radiation, then Tamoxifin.

Tamoxifin failed me miserably. I had pain walking in the fall of 2002 which turned out to be mets to the pelvis and spine. I had radiation, Zoladex, Arimidex, and Zometa. Tumor markers and PET scans have declared me to have no active cancer to date. I am so very grateful for that !

In the spring of 2004, Zoladex was not as effective. I started menstrual cycles again. I had a complete hysterectomy including ovaries.

I can no longer do many physical activities due to severe nerve damage and herniated disks (a side effect from zoladex).

The cancer has returned in November of 2007. It is in the entire spine, ribs, neck, collar bone, and possibly legs. I do not yet know what treatment I will receive. I will update when I find out.

LOVE,

Carrie

And just yesterday, she wrote:

"Sadly the tumor markers rose 10 points and the bloodwork is showing that the cancer is increasing in the bones.

They retested yesterday to make sure there was no mistake. I have to go for a PET scan this coming week and see my doctor on Friday."

My heart breaks for the precious "Carrie's" affected by this ugly disease... for the daughters and sons watching their mothers hurt and lose hair and vibrancy...for the husbands who long to kiss their wives and make those hurts / those pains go away and who try not to think about a future without "her" in it... who try to be strong but who's worlds are turned upside down with each new test result a little bit worse than the last, or a good test result and wondering "how long will  she  SEEM healthy".  And God forbid we think anything BUT health - but always, always deep in the backs of our minds the truth is -  the disease is a thief.

Join me in my quest to make a difference...   Your donation to Susan G. Komen for the Cure will activate top research scientists to continue in their tireless effort to find a cure.  Your donation will help me raise my goal and will allow me to participate in the WALK - 60 miles in 3 days, Chicago 8 - 10, 08.  Your donation enters you into the Warriors in Pink "family" of passionate fighters who long for the day when this disease will only be found in a HISTORY BOOK... so that the Carrie's of our world will no longer be drained in this fight.

Thank you for your support and for your prayers...

It knows no boundaries...

or ethnicities (although African American women are acutely underserved) this horrid disease - a non-respecter of persons - has come to "steal, kill and destroy"...  This read truly paints a poignant, global picture-

Whatever Country

(for Talma Zoiberman of Petach Tikvah, Israel 1941-1994)

You won't share the pleasure of impatience at the post office waiting to exchange air letters or watch the dark and light faces of postal clerks and wonder what secrets they harbor while hoping for what's possible in your country--any country; no more Feldenkreis, picnics in the Galilee to which you carry linen cloths, forks, roasts, felafel, cooked corn, to spread elegance admist terrorism You won't write eager to know the best seller or phone at two a.m. to say we'll meet in Spain where we'll shop for two Sephardic Stars of David.  The last time I saw you, I arrived from California with a crystal which you wouldn't accept unless I too brought back your locket to my country You hung it around my neck Your strong frame set against your dark hair and full lips red with lipstick from the States pouring forth perfect English flavored with Hebrew gutturals In your small flat you cooked that enormous dinner though your arm was huge and swollen from that disease you would not name.  We laughed with Saturday night pleasure after the Sabbath had allowed you to rest Today it is time to tear the roof from the post office, and trill my tongue the way I learned how to wail of loss in your land this time not for holy wars but from that disease every woman dreads in any country where she may live.

© 1994, Elaine Starkman

Woman. Mother. Wife. A Poem of loss...

read slowly.  carefully.  breathe in humanity... and weep...     then join the fight...

Breast Cancer 3-Day

  

WHAT WAS LOST

What fed my daughters, my son Trickles of bliss, My right guess, my true information, What my husband sucked on For decades, so that I thought Myself safe, I thought love Protected the breast. What I admired myself, liking To leave it naked, what I could Soap and fondle in its bath, what tasted The drunken airs of summer like a bear Pawing a hive, half up a sycamore. I'd let sun eyeball it, surf and lakewater Reel wildly around it, the perfect fit, The burst of praise.  Lifting my chin I'd stretch my arms to point it at people, Show it off when I danced.  I believed this pride Would protect it, it was a kind of joke Between me and my husband When he licked off some colostrum Even a drop or two of bitter milk He'd say You're saving for your grandchildren. I was doing that, and I was saving The goodness of it for some crucial need, The way a woman Undoes her dress to feed A stranger, at the end of The Grapes of Wrath, A book my mother read me when I was Spotty with measles, years before The breast was born, but I remembered it. How funny I thought goodness would protect it. Jug of star fluid, breakable cup-- Someone shoveled your good and bad crumbs Together into a plastic container Like wet sand at the beach, For breast tissue is like silicon. And I imagined inland orange groves, Each tree standing afire with solid citrus Lanterns against the gleaming green, Ready to be harvested and eaten.

From The Crack in Everything (University of Pittsburgh Press, 1996)

© 1996, Alicia Ostriker

Gallery of Breast Cancer Inspired Art

Love, love, love. Love is all you need!

I've been a Christ follower for 26 years, now.

I'm finally getting that He longs for me (us) to love, love, love.  And I'm also finally getting that love, love, love comes in many different "faces".

Currently deeply embedded in event planning for raising awareness and, ultimately, funds for the Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day , I find myself surrounded by and partnering with a world/community  who long(s) to love and serve and more closely resemble Him by heart and in deed and by ACCIDENT, than I do, by "design".

Fund raiser extraordainare,  Lorry, has built a hospital wing and has raised tens of thousands of dollars for premature births.  Lorry saw her workplace was pitching "old food" and promptly called the local "meals on wheels" to pick up the left overs on a daily basis.   She volunteers time, effort & money to breast cancer (in support of and in honor of family members), while actively working in support of Relay for Life.  Energetic.  Vibrant.  Serving community.

Wow, how beautifully she resembles Him.

Though, I don't think she realizes it's "Him" she looks like.  Or even who "He" is. (yet)

And there are others.  So many other "Lorry's" who serve the world, tirelessly, because the world needs help, more, loved, the world needs love, love, love.

So many of my years spent within the walls - the building OF the "church".  So many years serving the "body of the church".  Loving them, growing them.  Maybe those years have better prepared me for what my community - the world OUTSIDE of the building- really needs.  Maybe those years were spent serving those who call Him by name, so that I would deeply realize how desperately I needed to serve, love DO something OUTSIDE of the building.  I'm getting that I AM the "church" and where I go , she goes (the bride, the church).  HE goes.  Who I touch - HE touches.

Lorry has inspired me.  Lorry has touched me. 

Thank so much Lord, for showing me Yourself through this one who doesn't even realize how closely she "resembles" You.

Oh God, may I continue to seek and find You in such amazing, beautiful, unexpected places...

Abby-Jill: face of a servant, eyes of God.

When driven by love, the world becomes smaller.  As hearts grow bigger, eyes see no stranger. 

And so is the world Abby-Jill lived in: her eyes saw potential, her mouth spoke hope, her heart beat with unconditional love.  How well she resembled the One she so loved, whom she served, Lord Jesus.

There is a story in this picture.  Abby-Jill, hands placed on the pot, ready to serve the hungry - praying for the food and those ready to receive it. Those who shared moments like these  with her---my heart breaks for you.

This lovely beauty pouring herself into this little child. 
Those of you who shared moments like this with her... my heart mourns for you.

 

Abby-Jill (hand up in VICTORY!) (and her team: Abby's Hope, and my team mate and I) as she completed 18+ miles on day 3 of 07 Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day.  Walking victoriously into closing - her goal was completing the event and participating in Survivor Circle.  Walking, encouraging, loving her fellow participants (walkers & crew alike) we walked in the presence of Someone that seemed more like Christ and less like Abby-Jill .  What little I knew of her she would poo-poo that idea - but walking with her I knew Christ, Himself, was empowering her.  We all knew He was giving her strength and hope and purpose.  We knew He whom she so faithfully reflected and served - truly revealed Himself time and time again as we observed her touching His children during this 3-Day event. What little I know of Abby-Jill - it was just her "doing her thing".

I've learned how important Hope is in affecting attitude in adversity- through Abby-Jill. She taught me so much in such little time...

I'm most certain, that those who surrounded her, through her short 43 years, became "the most important people" in her heart. Every family member, every friend, every "stranger" she served - she loved, she served, she celebrated.

"Lord, as you don't have to allow us to enjoy the vibrant colors of Fall leaves before trees go dormant... and You don't have to allow Spring to delight our senses with new-oh-so-fragrant-fragile-shoots-of-life as we transition into the warmth of Summer... so You don't have to place people in our lives that so well reflect Your very nature, Your loving heart... yet You do and You have. Thank You for your Son, Jesus, and His unbelievable "completed task" - for me, for us. I am most grateful. That is so much more than enough. Yet You chose to gift me - to gift us - with loved ones.  Thank You.  Thank You for your handmaiden, Abby-Jill,  and the privilege of knowing You more - through her.  Thank you.  

Now, Abby-Jill, out of her "Earth suit" and in her heavenly one, it's likely she's cracking you up with her goofiness, dancing and smiling and causing a Holy-Party! and is organizing something up There, I'm almost certain. Until we see You "clearly", Lord, may we be found faithful, and may we continue Your legacy Lord, as Abby-Jill so demonstrated to Your world.

So, Lord, I dedicate this song to You, in honor of You and Your impact in my life and in honor of Abby-Jill and her "team":

"I will never be the same again.  I will never return, I've closed the door.  I will walk the Path , I will run the race and I will never be the same again.  Fall like Fire, soak like Rain, flow like mighty waters, again and again.  Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff, and let the flame burn, to glorify Your name! I will never be the same again.  I will never return, I've closed the door.  I will walk the Path , I will run the race and I will never be the same again. No, I will never be the same, again..."