It can create a little concern when you call to establish a new doctor / patient relationship and the nurse you speak with , upon hearing the issues/symptoms, asks you to hold, then returns to the phone and says, "doctor would like to see you tomorrow"...
And it can cause a little concern when new doc does see you and says, "sweetie, we need to get you in for a biopsy, I'd like to do it here in the office, and get it done quickly, also here's a card, I'd like you to see this doctor regardless - with your history we need to be certain how we proceed what your body will tolerate and not create further issues" - .
And it can also cause a little more concern when the Oncologist's office calls the next day, and states "we've gathered your files from the past ten years and would also like you to have the results of the upcoming tests and the biopsy sent to us asap".
So , in 1 weeks' time 2 upcoming tests, 1 biopsy ... and here we go.
Did she SAY the word "cancer" ?
No.
Do the unspoken yet spoken things lead to that word?
Yes.
Am I sitting here "knowing in my gut" (so to speak) that I do?
Heck no.
Am I wondering?
Yes.
Planning?
Yes.
Praying?
Yes.
Nagged by doubt or fear catching me off guard?
Yes.
Holding on to fear?
NO!
The "orderly, logical side of me" is visualizing this life in this household and boys, grandson, parents with Alzheimer's, business to put to rest, bills to pay, bookkeeping to organize so "if' the "worst" happens my family won't be left in a lurch, and what do I want to do? and I'm darn well GOING to go to a beach somewhere before and...
The EMOTIONAL side of me would cry out "NO", not now!...
Such things would torment a person's mind - for sure - if allowed to dwell there.
In my researching and rampant reading, I ran across something today that struck a chord - a nerve - in me and is absolutely simply, beautifully profound - and stopped me in my tracks :
"Have the courage to live. Anyone can die."
-Robert Cody
Got it.
A dear friend has thumped me in the noggin with truth recently - and just as powerfully - this THUMPED my NOGGIN, for sure!
Also, one of my favorite Scriptures , by far, is Psalm 13.
In reading this Psalm I see so much of my life - my dramatic lows, and exhuberant highs -all in 6 little verses - just 6 little verses - and within those 6 verses I feel a kindred spirit with David - the writer...
For the director of music. A psalm of David. (a man after God's own heart! yes!)
(Notice the 1st 4 is pure LAMENTING - crying out - why???? HELP ME!)
1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
(Hold ON! This is where it get's gooood!)
5 But ("BUT"! midstream he CHOSE to CHANGE HIS THINKING!)
I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me"
For me, this crying out and "willful choosing to take control of fearful, stinking thinking" is what gives me hope to know my momentary fear, or battle is not unknown, nor unexpected by God.
He knows me - my inmost thoughts and deepest, darkest hopes and longings... and He loves me. He chose me (you, us all!) and He loves me. He wants me.. He wants ME to have relationship - open and honest with Him. I can approach Him with the real me - warts and all , He will always listen. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that is too overwhelming, too deep, too close, to anything that He cannot handle.
He can certainly handle a few doctors' appointments.
He can certainly handle my dreams and longings... and He is with me.
Knowing that gives me permission to be me, who He loves, and me is a girl who loves this life she's been gifted with.
So, dag nabbit, I'm gonna seek some Supernatural COURAGE get me some living done. :)
(thank you, Lord, for clarity!)
Here's to Living! Yes!
Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.
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