Adventures of a Passionista

Dedicated to Flora R, Kay C, Karen G, Becky R,

...Judy M., Donna S., Janice R., Janice V., Paulette Y. ,  Kenita K. and countless other SLAYERS whom I adore.

I found this poem and thought of you!!!  With love and admiration...

 

"CANCER SLAYER"         

by Sabrina Esposito, Vero Beach, Florida

Passages to strength
Come in many forms and lengths,
Survival of the fittest,
The biggest
Lessons learned
Appear only when earned,
When fate turns
Its back on you,
Misconstrued,
Subdued
With questions of how and why,
Will I die?
How many tears am I able to cry?
The inquiries never seem to subside,
Outside,
I am a warrior-Braveheart if you will,
Yet within the walls of my ivory skin lies a disease that will kill
At will
With no prejudice or bias,
Ready to guide us
To our Maker of life

Where there lies no strife,
Maybe finally a day of peace
The heartaches will cease,
But my soul tells me to get up and fight
It is not my time to go towards the light,
The flight
That is destined for me
Is to be
The leader of every community
To help them see
It is not about you or I – it is about we,
I will not be added to the list of the deceased

Time of death 12:43,
Any demon can be defeated
As long as in the Lord’s hands you are seated,

(sigh)

I AM HERE
And yet you have been gone for slightly over 2 years,
And it’s amazing how my smiles take the place of those tears,
I now hope…instead of fear
And I pray that my message to all is crystal clear,
I stared Cancer right in the face
Not with anger but with womanly grace
And told it to get the hell out of this place!!!!

 

Copyright Sabrina Esposito

"Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer"

NWIN Law Enforcement Cops for a Cure  will be heading to Chicago August 5 - 7  to walk - on purpose - 60 miles in 3 days.  All for an amazing cause...

                            The following is a re-write of an article written in August of 2007 ..

Having just completed walking 60 +/-miles in 3 Days,with hundreds of emotional moments and sound bites replaying in my mind, the one that resounds loudest was sitting on the concrete steps, adjacent to the Michigan Ave sidewalk, East of Randolph, at Millennium Park (Chicago) - less than 2 miles from FINISH LINE!!

Walking past him, at approximately #1200 out of #2400 walkers, "he" sat there shaking his head "no" (side to side) repeating this chant: "Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer!"

Over and over...

"Walkin' ain't gonna cure breast cancer."

He continued shaking head no, no, no - looking at anyone who would look at him, square in the eye...

"Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer."   Over and over he shook his head and repeated his chant...

Not being able to stand it any longer, and in my most intelligent of replies I retorted "well walking is doing a lot more than you are just sitting there, buddy."

Did I REALLY just say that?

Yep, now THAT was an intelligent, educational, kind and enlightening reply.

Wow.

The day before, Day 2, thousands were walking -a mammoth SEA of Pink:  BOOBs on sun visors, BOOBS of various NAMES written all over shirts: "Titty-titty Bang Bang", "Boob-i-licious", "Happy Hooters", "Boob Supporters", "Itty-BItty-Titty-Committee", etc.

There were PINK ribbons, PINK hats, PINK boas, male cops and firefighters in PINK shirts directing traffic and cheering the walkers on.  It was a virtual PINK FEST and a lady approaches the gal I was striding with at the time and asks: "what is all this pink for? what's the walk for??

Stopping her stride, and looking at her with daggers, my friend replied: "are you kidding me? (pregnant pause) for real? (another pregnant pause) It's for BREAST CANCER! BREAST CANCER!"

Curious lady vanished into a local storefront - most likely licking her wounds... ouch...

There's something about being a cancer survivor (like my bristling friend) or co-survivor or Breast Friend Forever of a breast cancer survivor- that makes one sensitive or passionate (both, actually) about this disease. Hmm, could be simply the "life and death!" factor...or the possibility that our children could grow up motherless that surely makes us a tad sensitive...

And we who are possessed with the spirit of advocacy, of awareness of the need to fight in a compassionate army - and battle in a war for healthy bodies - we PRESUME people "get" us.

get "pink"

get "it"

But the realities are this:
1) Pink is a color
2) Pink will not cure breast cancer
    --wearing pink on our head, pink bra over our clothes, pink ribbons pinned all over our bodies     while walking and passing out breast health information and sharing the importance of early     detection - does NOT cure breast cancer NOR does it mean just because it matters to me that     it matters to the rest of the world...

Which brings us to walking...
    "walking" in and of itself truly WILL NOT cure breast cancer. As much as it troubled me what     the smart-butt guy said - "walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer" - he was right... it will make         us feel stronger, create a healthier body ... but it won't CURE...

BUT: walking in the midst of a compassionate army - makes the army feel stronger, and less         alone in the battle

BUT: walking through sleepy or vibrant communities generates curiosity and curiosity often         breeds awareness and awareness results in more people understanding that EARLY         DETECTION SAVES LIVES, which also raises awareness of the need for regularly         performing BSE 's (Breast Self-Exams) , which create people who want to DO something         because either THEY have breast cancer, or someone they adore does - which converts a         previously- complacent-lalalala lady walking into the neighborhood drug store into someone         who wants to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in the world, which turns them into         active warriors to fight in this army, raise vital funds for investment in research that we         believe will one day SOON - not only find THE CURE, but will find the CAUSE of cancer -         breast cancer - all cancers.

Until no one has to ask what all the pink people are walking for...

Until no one has to say "walkin' ain't gonna cure breast cancer"... for the only reason that BREAST CANCER WILL NO LONGER EXIST IN THE PRESENT BUT WILL ONLY BE FOUND IN A HISTORY BOOK - until THAT TIME...

...we walk

... in pink.

(can't wait to get rid of all the stinking pink in my closet... can't wait until pink is just a COLOR)

One Solitary Woman

"That's weird" I thought to myself, while rushing to make a medical appointment on time.   "That lady is just standing there holding an empty dog leash but not looking for the dog and she's right in front of a clinic - sure is a weird place to let your dog use the bathroom".  But I dismissed the thought and quickly drove past on my merry way.

Appointment over, and exiting the complex (a bit slower this time) I saw the same woman still standing by the road (how many times does a dog need to use the bathroom in 2 hours?) holding what I then recognized was not a dog leash but, instead,  were prayer beads.  I was stricken by the realization of what she was doing: she was earnestly praying while standing at the edge of the parking lot in front of a clinic.  One woman standing there - praying. 

That realization, coupled with the "planned" nature of the clinic she was praying in front of,  sent an immediate shock-wave through my being.  She -  brave and passionate - chose to stand alone to make  a difference.

Driving past, I felt the nudging of an Unseen Hand upon my back encouraging me to turn around - and turn around I did.  Driving past, this time from the opposite direction,  I saw four giggling young girls and two young boys bouncing along as they prepared to enter the clinic... and while, they in their casual way went about their business, the brokenness in the face and demeanor of this lone woman, again, caused such a stir within me that I knew I had to say or do something.

Turning around, yet again, I drove up, pulling along side the curb, rolling down the passenger window, I heard myself calling out to her: "excuse me, ma'am!".  Deep in prayer, it took a couple of times before she heard me... but I knew I had to briefly interrupt.

"Yes?" she inquired.  "You need to know your passion and your committment are most beautiful things."  I heard myself say.    Her eyes lit up as if she had just heard from the Father,  and standing straight, tall, and lovely she replied - in a most elegant, refined, gentle yet  fervent tone : "Oh THANK YOU! Oh THANK YOU!  God bless you!" as a grateful, re-energized smile graced her lovely face, she then bowed her head and immediately returned to her mission.

One solitary woman - not a crazed lunatic, nor a "thumping", rude, arrogant, opinionated scene-maker - this woman was driven by love - absolutely by love.  She risked ridicule and rejection just to pray for people who were seeking the  life and death choices offered to them - people who would probably never know her name who might have also thought, if they even glanced her way, that she was standing there with an empty dog leash...   Oh, but this Solitary woman -- passionately driven - loved them and the decisions they were facing.  She loved them enough to earnestly, intently speak with the Father about them. 

The "bigness" of her mission deeply struck me: while these young teens probably believed their situations or intentions were hidden - were not known  (probably by their parents or any other loving adult)  this woman was crying out to Heaven in their behalf - praying for someone elses' daughters and sons. She loved as He loves...

I don't know what all changed yesterday - how many prayers were answered.  I don't know who may have gone into that clinic with one idea but exited with another idea.  But I do know this:  I was changed yesterday -  forever changed by the passion, the risk, the love and courage of One Solitary Woman.

 

"Lord, my mission is not hers.  My mission is Yours - be what You desire me to be in order to go where, and do what You send me to do... so send  - me."

 

Copyright  2011  J. Allen G.

Vacation? or Vacate?

Struck by this quote today:

“Sometimes a gal needs a vacation from who she really is.”

Cedar Rapids  (2011)   Joan Ostrowski-Fox (Anne Heche)

Initially, upon reading and dissecting it's intent, I pictured only wanton carrying-ons completely different than who I really am...  but upon further contemplation have seen far more truth to it than I'd realized. However, in exact OPPOSITION! I need to RETURN to who I "really am"!!!!

Who I've become  -  is NOT the "real me".

In assessing and reassessing, I would have to agree, that I truly do need a vacation  from the girl who has dwelled within this Earthsuit the past few years.  This girl is one who has visited stress and fear and overwhelm far more than she has ever been accustomed to.  These places I've visited - since 2007 have become all -too-familiar "friends"  (gee with friends like these who needs enemies!!!) and have left residual crud upon my normally-upbeat mind.

I need a PERMANENT vacation from this girl!

I need to return to the real girl who has been suppressed for far too long.  While during these challenging days/years I've had multiple snippets of abundant life! and joy! and peace! through people on the planet - amazing people who have enriched my life beyond measure:  family, friends - who through unexpected Kairos / God moments have hit me at the most random of times.  It was these moments where I've been reminded that I am held and loved - and am truly not alone. yes!

Getting away from this current girl is a process, for sure.  Awareness of the emotional holes I've dug for the past few years is the first step in climbing out of them!  WOW ,  am I aware!   and boy are there some well-dug holes! 

A few years back I would have been one of the first to tell someone in a similar frame of mind:  "joy is not related to your circumstances -  there can be Joy regardless- rise above!" 

Yep just hit 'em with a quick fix and run.   gross

What did Christ, Himself, do when met with grieving family of a brother who was his dear friend?  He grieved with them first - empathized WITH them - he FELT their pain ... then He proceeded to raise Lazarus from the dead!

Here I am, an older dog learning a new trick. (Yes! it IS possible!)

The significance of what I've learned is transforming for sure :  when pain or struggle is "shared" (spoken)  it's usually not shared with the intent of seeking to receive an answer of "how to FIX" the issue.  A "how to" (we think we have to supply) is akin to applying a band-aid over a festering wound  and is NOT empathy or healing.  It is simply the equivalent of  waiting 30 minutes for the doctor, who finally enters the room - leaving! then gives us 2 minutes to describe what brought us there to begin with, being interruped mid-stream,  being handed a "prescription" , dismissed, with doc walking out,  left alone with the dizzying thought: "what!?!?"  and exiting to pay the co-pay - with no more clarity or peace than we  felt when arriving .   (haven't we all been there???)

I have not needed to know HOW to overcome the dark cloud I've invited to hover... I needed to SEE the Hope and Light and Joy! in others in order to recognize what I've been missing and yearning for.

Wow...

For all those of you who have touched me - in so many ways: laughed with, loved on, encouraged, spent time writing notes of "wow, I'm so sorry and am praying for", or picked up the phone to text or call me out of nowhere to tell me you were thinking of me and loved me :  THANK YOU.

For those who have spoken to me with such tenderness and thoughtfulness and offered yourselves to be or do anything that would help when I don't even know what to be or do:  THANK YOU!

For those of you who have nudged me with "hang on!", "you can do this!" and "you matter to me": THANK YOU!

For all you who have looked EXACTLY like Christ to me - as tender hearted, loving, hand-holding, heart-touching Servants:   THANK YOU!

Through you I have "seen the Light" and am returning to the Real "me".

While I'm sure, in this "land of caregiving" that I dwell in, that there will be even more challenges in store  in the near future - I am confident, once again, that He has already surrounded me with exactly who I need in my life to shine hope and love right when it is most needed.

I declare now: I am commencing with VACATING the crud  which will, indeed, be a most welcome VACATION!  (and will better me for being HOPE to others!)

Cool.

 

 Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

Today she is 39 again...

Today: June 24, 2011  

  She was born June 24, 1934 

Happy Birthday little Momma! 

I know when I arrive at your house, in a couple of hours, the birthday greetings will surprise you... and when we joke about how old you are, you will say, for the hundred-thousandth time you are "39"... and when we try to do the math: "let's see 1934, 44, 54, 64, 74, 84, 94 - oh I'm 39!" meaning she really does NOT remember how old she is ... and I, her ever kind, considerate daughter will say: "wow mom, you're younger than me! and I'm your daughter!" which always, many times daily will elicit crinkled eyes and wide-mouthed laughter... 

(the following is an updated/edited reprint from 2007)

"Her hair crowns her head like a glimmery, silvery halo: slightly over-parted too far left, and bangs dangling a bit too close to her dim eyes, but so white - so pure.

Reflects the nature of her heart.

7ish Springs ago, a stroke played havoc in her brain.  Could have been far more severe, yet we discovered, who she was had been altered - forever altered. This was a new day.  A new dawn - a new mom. A new sister.   A new wife.  A new memory bank.

My mom who, formerly & quite prude-ishly,  would never have ever said the word "pregnant"  in full voice (whispered such words!) now freely referred to body parts by slang and would giggle, eyes scrunched up & tears flowing in glee. Young girl giggling in an elder body.

So cute.  So full of life.  Kind.  So inappropriately laughing at the weirdest times - socially unaware of her outbursts - always with hearty laughter and often happy to show whatever she was chewing at the time.  So strange...

Putting family first, always, however -that didn't change.  Her outlook.  Now THAT is what changed.

(L - R  Aunt Mary Lou, Me & My MOMMA!)

My mother had always, always, always purposed to look people straight in the eye: honoring others, demonstrating integrity and the fact that she "had nothing to hide".  She taught us kids, early on, to look directly into eyes - that honesty can be read by the eyes, after all they are "the windows to the soul you know."

One day, Momma said she was not going to drive again.  Ever.  Independent creature she was, was not going to ever, ever drive again. She had been harboring a secret: a deep, very dark secret, for awhile.  Months later, the low vision specialist called it "macular dystrophy".  Different than macular degeneration - it was from birth, just now manifesting itself to the level of "legal blindness" (took DECADES to get to this level).

No central vision.  Yes- Peripheral.  No central.

How do you look people in the eye, if you can't see their eyes?

She had hidden the changes as long as she could, hoping for healing, hoping a change in diet would make the difference - holding on to independence for as long as she could.

The pile of gravel in the road - same color as the road - was the "seal the deal".  Bottoming out on the gravel, the men at the construction site, helped her off the pile, helped her turn the car around, and she drove back - 10 houses away to the driveway - never to drive again.

Later, much later we found out.  My life, busy, stupid busy (single mom at the time) and I didn't know for months that she had not driven.

I had already watched my mom shift and change from full-sighted -professional- bookkeeper-of- family-business to someone who had to learn to feel her way - memorize her way around the house... Now her low vision was coupled with  Alzheimer's.

Crap.

I'm sure there are books to warn adult children about the changes their elder parents will go through, but I wouldn't have read it and it wouldn't have mattered a whole heck of a lot - then.

Now, well, now is now.. and now we live in the moment , for the moment, celebrating each precious moment.

It still stinks.  Sucks actually.  (I hate that term.  But dang is it appropriate)

Dad.  Dad is so amazing.  I watch him love her and snuggle her and hold hands with her.  I watch them smooch - her with her lips scrunched up to her nose (so "sexy" haha) and him, giggling all the way in for the peck, touching -oh-so-familiar, now wrinkled lips like he has a million times before.  Now they kiss with a tenderness reserved for those who are choosing to be present in this moment, almost as if they're saying:  " we must be present in this moment.  This moment is a gift and we are going to relish it , and drink it in, and celebrate it - because you never know when..."

It makes me sick to my stomach.

Not them and their beauty.

The "you never know when". Actually, only initially -  Being faced with mortality - their mortality has awakened me to a new day. I battle between celebrating the present and dreading the future.  The future without them in it.

I KNOW they will be in a "better place".  Oh yeah!!

But I know the "crowns of glory" that I love to observe - daily, will be oh, so missed.  So very missed.

I want my grandbaby to see the smooches between them and groan and say "gross" and smile inside at how cool it is to know them.

I want my sons to hear all the stories another 10 times - and know that they have become part of the next generation of love...

But the reality is, I've spent too much time on this blog - time that would be better spent giggling at Mom's wacky sense of humor and listening to Dad's "this is so funny I can barely get it out without laughing my own hiney off"  jokes!

So for now this "new" mom is MY mom - I love her and all her facets, new and older... she's cool!

Wonder what's made her giggle today?"

 

(Happy 77th Birthday, Momma!  I'll honor that you've achieved such a lovely  age, while you celebrate being "vertical" and "39 - again! ")

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

On Fighting

A little over a year ago my life took a turn - it took many turns, actually, but one, in particular helped change the course of my future...

I discovered  a girl. 

She had just received the horrid diagnosis of breast cancer. A fighter by nature, this girl dug in, face forward, and met each challenge with a MISSION to communicate to the world during one of the most difficult legs during her (then) 39 year old journey... this FIGHT was met with courage, determination, honesty, authenticity and transparency of such magnitude that it rallied a Region, and lifted up a community.   Transparency during the ups and downs  - that is usually reserved for only the "closest of family"  - this girl - opened her heart, her life and her battle up to the world...

...and the world followed her journey, loving her from afar and she loved them back.

Her parents both, died early of cancer... her mom was 39 when she lost her battle to cancer.

Officer Flora Ryan  #139 :

diagnosed at  

39,

OVERCAME cancer,

and today - June 22, 2011 

is   

40.

Forty.

 

When asked by someone clueless to the significance of this birthday: "how do you feel about being FORTY?!!" (as if it were OLD, or something!)  Flora replied: "I can't WAIT! I want to be 50 and 60 and 70 and 80!!!!"

Puts it all in perspective.

I love this girl, this Flora Ryan. And how I respect her!  Having watched her good days, rough days, and great days and all the changes in between this past year, I've seen in her a true Hero.  a SHE-RO.  She has taught me (her Elder , haha!) what FIGHT "looks like"... overcoming chemo, and radiation and all the side effects, while mothering children, and loving on her wonderful, newly-wedded husband and giving time and space to the world around her... then diving right back into work  (her calling - her mission) - defending, protecting and serving our community with passion and drive... a bald-headed beauty now sporting 3 inch wavy hair - she plowed into life with a zeal and zest that shouted to the world "I am here! I am in! I am going to Fight Like a Girl and I am going to win!"

Today, at the ripe young age of 40, she did WIN! ... she is... and she will continue to shine the way and connect with those who, themselves, have a battle before them.

"Happy Birthday, dear Flora.  You have shaken my, our world... and have enriched our lives... We had no clue how we, ourselves would be changed and inspired by you... thank you!   Here's to 40 more  as daily you continue to Fight Like A Girl! "

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

Relay for LIFE!

My heart is heavy with the intensity of recent loss coupled with the poignant reminder that over the past 40 years of my 55, cancer has robbed me and our family of loved ones... It is an evil thief.

Tonight's Relay for Life I walk in

MEMORY OF:

Aunt Mildred McCallister Merriman , 48   (breast cancer)

Aunt Mary Lou McCallister, 80   (lung, bone cancer)

Grandpa Grover Cleveland McCallister (protate/ bladder cancer)

Father-in-Law William Gehrels (prostate cancer)

Aunt Peggy (Allen) Sandburg,   (lung, brain cancer)

Friend  Abby-Jill  Marie Brauhn, 43   (breast cancer)

 

While heavy hearted for those who have lost their battle, I REJOICE and CELEBRATE LIFE! with those who have battled and OVERCOME this beast!

 I walk in HONOR and SUPPORT of these:

(in alphabetical order)

Jim Carpenter !

Michelle Carugati-Caldwell !

Kay Cherepko!

Barb George !

Karen Guito!

Judy McCallister !

Rachel Miller!

Joe Morales!

Becky Robbins !

Flora Ryan!

Donna Szabo!

Paulette Young!

Roz Varon !

Janice Vigna!

and so, so many others!!!

 

We walk, we relay, we raise awareness and funds - all in Hope and Prayer for a Cure!

 

 

 

"Walk on..."

"So much work to do. So many more lives to touch. Onward and upward. Continue to look up - no limits."

I received this encouragement this morning as result of fears being dissolved with the shocking revelation:  I am very healthy.  Prepped for biopsy and no need for one.  Tests were good. Great. No cancer. No anything.  What caused doc such immediate concern tested "normal" when testings were done.

How is it possible to have mixed feelings about such amazingly, wonderful news?

But mixed feelings I do have.

I am supremely grateful that I am healthy.

And I am incredibly sad that others, more trusting, more faithful  and no less "deserving" of "good news", however ... yesterday others DID receive BAD news... and I am grieved that some, yesterday  DID lose their own battle with a diseased body.

For that my heart - though rejoicing - also grieves...

And yet - I am shocked - amazed at such goodness that my life has been surrounded by.  Normally one to bear down, stay well-hidden in the process of quietly overcoming such personal issues , this time, by opening up, I found an abundance of hope and faith and support that I truly was blown away by. So grateful for such love. So amazed by such outpouring of humanity, each one representative of their own "lives' issues" and yet each one so supportive.  Wow.

So, now with issues explained and the subsequent clearing out of doubts and fears - my mind moves forward and outward...

There are so many people to support, to encourage, and to salt lotsa love into...

 

And so, as my dear friend encouraged me :      

"So much work to do. So many more lives to touch. Onward and upward.

Continue to look up - no limits." 

I take this challenge, seeking God's leading as we g0,  head on out...   and walk on!

 

(8 weeks to 60 miles in 3 Day!  Chicago - here we come!)

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

 

Journey?

"a. The act of traveling from one place to another; a trip. b. A distance to be traveled or the time required for a trip."

Journey.

To say this has been an "interesting journey" thus far would imply that I'm farther along whatever path it is that I'm supposed to be traveling on.

For whatever reason  that thought brings "The Wiz" to mind: "ease on down, ease on down the ro-oad! Come on and  ease on down, ease on down the ro-o-oad, Don't you carry nothin' that might be a load, come on ease on down ease on down the ro-oad!"

At 55, been lotsa road traveled on, some of it "easy" , but, frankly most of it not so easy.

While the "easy" times have given pauses that refresh - I truly believe that the difficult times (even the NW Indiana POT HOLES!!!)  have given me so much more appreciation for the value of the "Journey" in the first place.

Having the opportunity to:

        trust, lean-on, develop faith, overcome, dive-in, stick with it, seek wise counsel, pray, hope, long for, seek  (etc!)

makes the FINDING so much sweeter... develops life-muscles that help prepare me for NEXT AND, in turn, give me life experience that, hopefully, can be used to encourage another!

So  - be encouraged!

It's known that without the struggle  a  caterpillar goes through as it works hard to emerge from its crysalis as a butterfly    - the creature would not have the strength to survive!  It would shortly die. (if the crysalis were opened by an outside source)

The STRUGGLE provides the strength it needs to journey out and on...

Unlike the Wiz (ease on down) we can find our encouragement knowing we are not alone during every season in our lives - the good times, the rough times... there is One with us in our struggle - carrying our load with us and for us and helping us:

   Matthew 11:28-30           Come to me you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.         Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

James 1: 2-5    Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish the work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

 

All in all, yes, I am on a Journey. I am not where I began, and I am not "there yet"   - and so while traveling on -  the discoveries of self, the revelations of the character of Who this One who created me, who knows me, loves me, calls me His own ( who HE IS) - drives me ,moves me, PROPELS me forward,  gathering loved ones as I go - as we go.

So, I am grateful for the journey - lumps and bumps and all !

(still not a fan of the pot holes:)

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

Are we there yet?

Processing.

Waiting.

Wondering.

Busying my mind.

Processing.

Researching.

Waiting, waiting, is it Thursday (biopsy) yet?

The ultrasound showed some normal stuff going on... which brings more into focus, and limits what can/ may/ may not "be".

Waiting.

I'm sure there are adult ways to pass the time. But in my minds eye I see a little girl bouncing in the back seat  asking every mile or two (only 400 to go!) "are we there yeeeettttt?????"

Somehow, in the middle of waiting, and wondering and researching and , and, and there are snippets, glimpses of sweet, lovely PEACE. Unmistakable, unexpected, and most-welcomed PEACE.

 

Wow.

 

I love that.

 

In the middle of the waiting... He loves me enough to provide such lovely gifts...

In the New Testament Bible book of Philippians 4:  6 - 9 is a section of  Scripture that speaks to me... when I read it,  it's got MY NAME written there!!!! :)

The following is a conversation He is having with me... warning - it's a conversation through the Word and it's TO ME ! :) (- this is not quoting the scripture - this IS Judy paraphrased:)   

"JUDY LEE!!!!  DON'T WORRY! Don't worry about ANYTHING! Not even an upcoming biopsy - Don't worry, but pray!  ASK ME!! and  then, THANK ME, in advance. 

Now you know,  the only way you can THANK ME in advance, is if you  believe what you're asking Me, Jude!  If you believe ME.  

My daughter, if you do this,  THEN I will give you Peace that is above any human understanding - and that peace will guard your HEART and your MIND in me, Christ Jesus!  

But this is not all!

Once you pray, ask, and thank me - NEXT - to keep those stinking nagging thoughts of doubt from re-entering your brain ...

THINK ON THE GOOD STUFF... on purpose!  Make yourself think on  things that are praiseworthy, and true,and lovely and of GOOD REPORT... 

think on all the awesome things you've learned from me and have seen me do these past 27 years we've walked together -

and I - the God of everything - and most-certainly the God of Peace  -

I WILL BE WITH YOU".

 

Okay.

Okay.

I'm "in", Lord...

I may not "be there yet" - but until I am "there" I am  in fantastic "company"  ...  and that alone, makes the

wait

so

worth

it.

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

Keeping the flame... in the breast cancer fight...

When Abby-Jill moved out of her "earth suit" into her HEAVENLY one and is now TRULY "dancing with the stars" , she left behind a world that was made far better by her contributions to it.

I, for one, who has been proud (first mistake...)of being a "passionate person" in this beautiful "life dance", soon realized that my "passion" paled, by comparison to Abby-Jill's.

My team mate, Scott C., was fund raising and walking in her honor.   I met her in person, during the August 2007 Breast Cancer 3Day.   That day my life was permanently and INSTANTLY marked by her flame which burned deeply into my heart and mind. Passion? I had truly found what "passion" looked like... and it surely didn't look like me.

Debbie (Abby-Jill's sister) TIARA-wearing Abby-Jill (of course!) and their momma - day 3 - 2 miles from finish line!

How can someone who ,1.5 weeks prior, had fluid drained from her lungs, and who - just 5 days earlier had had chemotherapy - walk, laugh, walk, hug, embrace, laugh,  love, walk, giggle, jiggle, dance, dance, dance to the music that was in HER head.

So here's the thing: since having been "torched" (yes "torched" , "sparked by flame") by Abby-Jill, I've, unwittingly, become a Breast Cancer fighter-no-that's-not-a-strong-enough-word...WARRIOR.

Now look: what I didn't see were the tears. the hair loss.  the swelling. the pain, the agony, the horror that this disease caused as it created havoc in her body and consumed her.  Her loved ones did.

I grieve for her loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine - to feel their enormous loss...

But I can feel for them, and I can create a stir to cause awareness and, hopefully, generate just a little bit of concern and compassion from an ambivalent world...

And so,  I wear pink.  It's not because I like pink- pink - is a girly, good-girl, prissy-stinking color. .  More tom-boy than prissy, I'm more fond of chocolate and green and all things "earthy" - ...

Sadly, pink, in our current CULTURE often represents MARKETING MANIA at the expense of the pain, the sorrow, the struggle, the fight for life - that breast cancer causes.

Breast cancer is a killer.

Abby-Jill died at 43.

We were robbed.

Aunt Mildred Kirby (nee McCallister) died at 48.

We were robbed.

Breast cancer is a thief: stealing health and finances and time with loved ones.

There is nothing "pink" about it.

Pink won't bring 'em back.

May we not lose sight of what the battle really is.
May we continue to educate ourselves and refuse to "play in Pink".
Rather, may we use this nasty color to cause a stir, and in doing so, enrage a world that so complacently accepts wigs and drawn-on eyebrows as a way of making a cancer-ridden-patient "feel better"...

May we ask the questions... the difficult questions:

Early detection saves lives?
Early detection of something that is rampant - WHY IS IT RAMPANT?  WHY?
What factors cause cancer to begin with?
What chemicals in our environment, food, water contribute?

Find the contributing factors, then we don't need to "detect" anything...

Sigh.

And as nauseating and distasteful as it is, if wearing stinking PINK will create a stir that causes someone to ask me what's up  - I am willing to wear stinking PINK...

And so I walk - and always, always walking in memory of those who have lost their fight with this ugly disease , in honor of those who battle and in support of those whose lives are personally affected by it.

The flame of life that Abby-Jill had, that was extinguished in her death caused by breast cancer - carries on in those of us who refuse to sit by and allow breast cancer to take all of our loved ones...

without a fight.

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

Sowing

Sowing

While it’s not that I fear death                                                                                                                                        

Mine is the understanding that there is forever- more…                                                                                                      

    ...eternity.

No, it's not that I'm  afraid of dying –                                                                                                                   

of leaving this Earth-suit, of shedding off mortality.                                                                                                                                                         

It’s that I am just now settling into my skin.

I am just now beginning to see with eyes older,                                                                                             

yet with clearer vision,

those around me

Who, themselves, are navigating this lovely planet with their own vision,                                               their own task,

their own mark to make.

How I long to make mine.     

A mark.

To touch another.                                                                                                                                                                 

to make a difference                                                                                                                                                             

In my world.                                                                                                                                                                              

In this world.                                                                                                                                                                                            

In His world.

To be known as one who loved well                                                                                                                               

To be remembered as one who was willing to be what another would or could not –                              

in the name of Love.

To bring a smile                                                                                                                                                                         

A warmth                                                                                                                                                                                     

A most-welcome touch to a soul that hungers to hear hope.

To share the One who has,                                                                                                                                      Himself,                                                                                                                                                                                  

Fully, completely, eternally - given that hope.

Oh I am not afraid of dying…                                                                                                                                            

It’s just…                                                                                                                                                                                 

Now that I am beginning to fully understand the depth and height of Such Love..                                         

I do so hunger to do more ,                                                                                                                                      

wasting less, far less time                                                                                                                                                      

to sow Such Love...

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

80th Birthday. (no "happy" about it)

 

No birthday candles.

No birthday cake.

No balloons.

No the same $20.00 passed from sister to sister in a "for my Sister" birthday card.

No celebration.

However...

...many tears

...much, so much pain

80 years today and the cancer cells are continuing to consume her now 68 pound body..bones are hurting so , so badly... lung tumor is growing causing labored breathing... now invading her brain, multiple fractures through her rib cage - bones compromised to the point of one wrong move could snap her little self...

...and she cries...

...deep, heart-wrenching sobs, shaking her little shoulders face pinched up in a howling wail of "I don't know what is happening to me!" " I hurt, I hurt..."

...and in one INSTANT she gathers herself and tries so hard to control herself - control her fear.

She tries so hard to remind her own mind that the worst part of these circumstances is her attitude about the circumstances...

...and the evil beast, Alzheimers, is keeping her from remembering just why she is dying...why she is now dependent on others as her caregivers after living her entire adult life - single, self-providing, never married, no children, always doing everything that needed to be done to give herself a good life...

and she tries and she tries this mental dance of "Mary - now stop this!"... (stop what? she forgets!)

HOW DO YOU BATTLE YOUR MIND WHEN YOUR MIND IS BATTLING YOU?

And yet, she regroups for yet one more round and says "I'm ready - I've lived a good life... I've had great friends, have traveled to Alaska, Panama Canal, took a trip with Darlene in Arizona - I'm content... I'm ready. I am so ready"...

...and then she forgets what she was saying and forgets why she is hurting (I must have fallen) as the tumor growing out of her bone is filling up her leg...

("honey, it's getting better then I can go home soon")

...

and I pray to God that, indeed, in His infinite wisdom - He allows her - please, God, please let her go "home"...

What kind of niece am I?

sad.

very sad.

and determined.

cancer is killing my loved ones.

alzheimers is killing my loved ones.

and I will do what I can to love them through this...

...and when they are gone - to help find / fund a cure.

but this hurts.

and

for this 80th birthday...there is no happy about it.

Picture of Mary Lou & I 1right before Christmas 2010... she was "rebounding" in a Hospice Center. They controlled her pain & the bugger began eating again! Stronger was moved to a nursing home... where she now resides getting the loving care and med she needs now that she is in final stages ... (I could not bring myself to show her now...) those sparkling eyes are the Mary I know.

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

More than a number...

           

Portage Police Officer Flora Ryan

 

                     
Judy, John Ryan (loving, supportive! husband, Sarge) , Flora Ryan,  Roz Varon                                (interviewing Flora for TV Special that aired 10/10)

Officer Flora Ryan's interview w/ Roz Varon ABC Chicago

 

# 139   

# 5892

#139 + #5892 = PINK POLICE!!!!

#139= One amazing lady  who's FIGHT LIKE A GIRL - has energized a Region

#5892 = Five thousand, eight hundred, ninety-two ---- People

"Fans"

5892 precious people who started  - one by one - as a Voice of Encouragement to Officer Flora Ryan - upon her diagnosis (last March 2010) and support for Relay for Life involvement (June 2010) but have grown into one of the most incredible support systems , prayer team, brothers and sisters in the fight: survivors, co-survivors, Thrivers and those who just want to make a difference and RELATE to others who have "been there"  - all gathered together on the wacky social-media format: Facebook - across the country and the world!

Pink Ribbon #139 magnets on cars/motorcycles from California, to Florida, to South Carolina to Canada... encouragement and $ support - all toward Susan G. Komen for the Cure... over $18,000.00 thus far - magnets and bracelets... wow... such love, such support, HUMANITY DOES CARE!

So THANK YOU!  Pink Police thanks you!  (NWIN Law Enforcement) Cops for a Cure - thanks you!

You've helped change our world... for the better...

...trusting that we're "in" until we don't need to be...

Together - for the Cure!

(NWIN Law Enforcement) Cops for A Cure

 Susan G. Komen Chicago 3-Day for the Cure - Team Page

 

Boobs(the 3-Day) Dogs, Alzheimers or Stop the Spinning I'm gonna Puke!

The days of running onto the playground, jumping on the red-rusty-in-spots-out-of-balance merry-go-round and running, running, running and then JUMPing on holding on for dear life while the world spins around you - over and over, running & hopping on... and if you're fortunate, another kid shows up & you take turns riding while the other runs and jumps on... or you BOTH run and BOTH jump and can barely catch your breath & you strain/sprain your shoulder because it's spinning faster than you can run and yet you grab on hoping to jump this one.   last.   time.   and it jerks you and you laugh and survive and do it all over again another time, and another day and WEEEEEEEE!!!   

Dang, makes me tired.  I need a breather...

No matter how much it appears the world is spinning...
whether slowly or fast...
it's not that the world's spinning...
it's the "merry-go-round" - it's the wheel is spinning -

it's ME  - I'm what's spinning.

And I've been ready to . . .
throw up. (a time or two)

Puke, as my 17 year old likes to call it.

Puke.

Spewing things like:
1) HELP!  My old people forget life and I'm trying to help them keep their heads afloat.
or
2) HELP!  My baby son is now a SENIOR and he is going to be "gone" "TOMORROW" and I'm so busy I'm missing much of it!
or
3) HELP! The Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day  (Aug 7- 9)  is in 21, no 20, no 19 days and I've trained only 1/10th of what I should because of this WHEEL...
or
4) HELP!  The Chicago Breast Breast Cancer 3-Day is in 21, no 20, no 19 days and I'm still short of my fund raising goal...
or
5)  HELP! My house is falling apart around me and I'm too exhausted to do much to prevent it, and I'm too strapped for cash to hire it done and, and, and...
or
6)  HELP! My family is in a state of TRANSITION, and REBUILDING and REGROUPING and are growing through painful days and or nights and I'm caught in an emotional tug-o-war
or
7) Help.

Although I"m not really in a state of panic.
And I'm not really in a flurry today.
I'm also not rising above the circumstances like I would like to be...  you know SOARING above...

... more like ... trudging through.

Like when you dream that you're being chased by somebody you can't see, don't know who they are, but you know you're being chased and you run, and it feels like your legs won't budge off the ground & when they do you swear they're ELEPHANT's legs walking in MUD or QUICKSAND that barely lift high enough to step forward...

...yeah, kinda like that.

.

.

... and the dogs bark and snap be back to reality.  responsibility, really. 

They can't let themselves out.  They have needs that must be met and I'm just the girl, the master to meet those needs.

And my parents have 6 acres that need mowing and taxes to finish.

And my auntie has Rx to pick up and groceries to purchase.

And my house needs a quicky tidy-up so as not to gag me when I return.

And I am just the girl to do it.

And I'm trusting the FUNDS will come for the 3-Day.
And I'm limited to train, so I will focus on a healthy body.(that is, after all, what freedom from breast cancer  - or all cancers- is, isn't it?)

And the MERRY-go-round is appropriately called just that...MERRY...

...because, regardless the circumstances I spin in
... I am convinced...
...and I am determined...
...to TRUST in the One who sees me spinning...
...who is WITH ME in the midst of the spinning...
...and who is providing me the Peace (supernatural), and Comfort, and JOY right in the midst of the MUD...
...and I KNOW, TOGETHER we will...
...make
...it
...one
...more
...day
...and
...one
...more
...day

Because, simply, HE is sufficient.

Psalm 13: 1 -6
(particularly 5,6 

 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.

 ⁶ I will sing to the LORD,
       for he has been good to me.)

"I TRUST"

A WILLFUL choosing.  A WILLFUL commitment to CHOOSE something bigger than the circumstances.

I trust.

I trust.

I trust.

WEEEEEEEE! Better 'n a Roller Coaster!!!

One of my new fav Blogs to read is Crystal,  of PINK HAIRED GIRL . Her blog today was the one entitled "A Different Kind of MIssion Trip"  which got me thinking of my own experiences with my FAITH and my commitment to the 09 Chicago Breast Cancer 3Day .

Below is the reply I gave to Crystal - copied & pasted in true "on vacation" manner! :

...as a 3Dayer heading to 3 years, I can tell you from experience, that calling this “a different kind of missions trip” is EXACTLY what you will experience. Diverse cultures, diverse life experiences, impacting individuals by living examples, by encouragement and providing vital information that can save lives. We (Warriors in Pink - Rachel’s Hope) use the fundraising need as our motivation for community activism, breast cancer education and awareness - then the funds come! Last year, during a fundraising at WallyWorld, a gal that had seen our posters came up to us, introduced herself and said she was on her way to get her hair cut off - before it fell out. Turns out she had been diagnosed with Sarcoma and less than 1percent survival rate - cutting off her hair was her being able to CONTROL something in her life - we were there cheering her on, when she returned, and celebrated by spray painting her remaining “mohawk” PINK! The team provide meals for her family during, after horrible chemo - we invited her to be our “guest of honor” during a 4th of July Parade where we wore PINK and Red,White & Blue and marched for “FREEDOM from BREAST CANCER” in the parade. She still struggles but is not alone. We’ve grown, we’ve seen His had guide us and use us in remarkable ways… Then the 3Day event itself - that is where we felt “the world as it SHOULD be”… thousands of people - drawn together by LOVE for LOVE - wow… speechless and forever drawing us back for MORE.

We also learned, even in training, - every step we took, was an opportunity to make a difference: together in the lives of the team, and in the community. There were many, many training days we PINKED it out, carried Komen breast fact flyers (all printable online) and trained 10 - 15- 18 miles - walking to neighboring communities and back and talking with all wonderful kinds of people along the way. We’ve met a 16 year old who thought she had breast cancer - actually had “questionable cells” - and we loved/hugged encouraged her - offering support and prayers.

Wow. The stories are endless - and are exactly why we are drawn, compelled to work in this “mission field”. This is my call - and I’m so fulfilled having answered it!"

Nothing Earth shattering in my reply, just real - real commitment, real emotion, real life-changing-events representing COUNTLESS stories of COUNTLESS people who have become forever imprinted into my memory-banks and my heart...

Good intentions led me to strive to RAISE FUNDS the 1st year... focus on raising those precious dollars.  Okay so my heart / my motives were pure - but I missed out on so much = COMMUNITY!  I missed out on SERVING, and becoming involved with others lives and becoming so enriched!

This past year - year 2 - I dedicated myself to SERVING the community - and in doing so - DUH - the FUNDS CAME without the struggle! Sure, there were some challenging moments of "HELP!" along the way - but it was so awesome to see God's handiwork - our willingness to be and do and go where He sent + His miracle-working-love-grace-mercy-today =  $$'s miracles and LIVES CHANGED - mine mostly! :)

So this year my motto:  “Serve the people - the $$ will come”  is , again, exactly what I seek to do. I am so excited about where He'll lead me this year...whom He'll bring me in contact with and how He'll direct my path... woo hoo!  This is a great ride!  Unlike roller coasters - this one is FAR LONGER LASTING! And, in serving, I KNOW I am part of something that is making a difference - money spent for research for a Cure for Cancer... and lives encouraged in some way by connecting with each other... ah... that is FUN and ETERNAL...

Kinda sad that it took a year, but He was patient, until I “got it”! haha!

Ah… grace.

Best!

Christmas Present(s)

There is no turning back: a TECHNOID CREATED remains a TECHNOID.

When did my little boys make the transition from cowboy hats and bandanas to world-wide-Halo-game-playing-gadget-attached-at-the-palm-stand-in-line-from-4PM-THANKSGIVING DAY-all the-way-to-6:30AM-BLACK-FRIDAY-to-spend-a-puny-50.00-TECHNOIDS????

Did I do this?

Am I responsible for submitting to every whim and fantasy of two once-young boys, now young man and man???? hmmmm????

Did I DO THIS???

I take no responsibility.

I did purchase a game console this.
and that.
and that.
and that.
And version 1 of this.
and version 2 of that.
and, and, and...
(no links people - you know what they were/ are!!! you name it!)

But I held back.  OH I FOUGHT THE GOOD FIGHT.  I said "no" so many times I forgot how to formulate the word "yes" off rusty "yes lips"...

And I think there comes a time in every parent's parenting-life, when the phrase "but everybody's got one" - really, really means "everybody's got one".

Cell phone.
I resisted.  Oh, I resisted.
Oh, wow, did I ever, ever resist...

... then there came a day when I could not find, reach, talk with my young teenage son, and boy did I need to find, reach, talk with my young teenage son... and said son ordered his first track (non  contract) phone THAT EVENING.

The fact that (most) EVERYBODY did have one - really didn't come into play then, what came into play was that it became important to ME for him to have one.

But I don't think HE GOT THE MEMO that it was important to ME.  I'm almost certain, that someplace in his boy/man mind he thinks he WON, for men, boy/men often battle, do they not? fight! challenge!  conflict!  stuff that video games are made of!

So if "he" thinks he "won" - so be it, deep down I KNOW I WON...

...but then the NEXT phone is bigger...
..."mom, I really want a 'contract phone' - cheaper minutes, better yada, yada, yada..."
...for the record - I DID NOT 'win'...

Looking back 29 Christmases for one son, and 16 Christmases for the other... there are so-many-LIGHT-BULB-defining-moments-in-time that are forever etched in "me old" memory banks. Ah-HA! discovery moments (usually reserved for students) that taught me oh-so-many-valuable lessons about the giving of gifts and the receiving of gifts...

1) Regardless what the list says,from TODDLER to YOUNG CHILD:  there are never enough presents/boxes/THINGS to open!
   It's really about the OPENING.  Therefore I learned from my OLDEST SON, that if I wrapped BOXES of all shapes and sizes - whether with something in them or not (often w/ existing books/toys) - that said baby bro would be THRILLED.  Both boys loved, loved, loved reading books... both boys had their favorites, though, and would wear them out... one Christmas I wrapped the youngest one's personalized story book (gift from friend with his own name printed in various storylines - way cool) in bright Santa paper, and Rudolph paper the next.  Following year it was toys, then snowflakes!  Always the SAME book, just wrapped differently.  One year it was in a box that was in a box that was in a box...sad to say, it was a short-lived tradition, "whiskers" and " baby books" - hmm, something ain't right about that.

2) Once you go gadget, ain't no going back.  Seriously.  It is forbidden.  Cannot go "electronic Battleship" one year, and generic move em w/ no sound Battleship the next. Just can't be.

3) Children learn that the term "Family Present" - means "most expensive thing that we wouldn't normally get unless the parents think it will result in some quality FAMILY TOGETHER TIME" then kiddies will risk all kinds of personal space and time to get said EXPENSIVE item...and parents try, try, try to understand said expensive "family present" but there's dinner to cook, and roofs to shingle and kiddies end up with the expensive Family present...

4)All this said, ONE OF THE greatest, greatest, greatest "presents" of all (no vote needed, you'll know it's right when you read it! Ha!)  ... one of the GREATEST PRESENTS of ALL is.....

... BEING PRESENT...

Breathing in the very conversations of those whom I love most  - honoring them by LISTENING to them - and in doing so, enriching my life - indeed GIFTING MY LIFE by them AND gifting THEIR lives by showing them how important they are to me and to the planet. My paying attention - being PRESENT - is a far greater gift than any technical gadget, or up-to-date-phone-ery could ever be...

Breathing in deeply aware that each breath is a gift and thanking the One, who by example, has paved the way for me to BE PRESENT - as HE is PRESENT.                                                   

Emmanuel : GOD WITH US.

God with us.

(Present!)

"Got HOPE"?

 "  GOT  " ?????

Miriam Webster:    intransitive verb1: to cherish a desire with anticipation

52 years. Throughout these 52 years I have, as the rest of humanity has, had my "hope dashed", my heart broken, my trust fractured and have become disillusioned. disgusted.  depressed.

In the last 24 years I have learned Who to trust in. Whom to believe in. Whom to place my trust - my HOPE:

I have found true HOPE:

• Place your hope totally in the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.                                      (I Peter 1:13)

•  But now, Lord, what do I wait for?  All my hope is in You.                                                                                                          (Psalm 39:7)

•  But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.            (Psalm 33:18)

• Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles.                    (Isaiah 40:31) 

• He will deliver us.  On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.                                      (2 Corinthians 1:10)

•  My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the dawn. 0 Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love.                                                            (Psalm 130:6-7)

•  But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted be crushed forever.                          (Psalm  9: 18)

•  No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame.                                                                                                     (Psalm 25:3)

•  My soul waits with longing for the Lord, and in His  Word I put my hope.                                                                  (Psalm 130:5)

• The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in His constant love.                                         (Psalm 147:1 1)

•  May the God of Hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.                                                             (Romans 15:13)

• We also rejoice in our sufferings, because We know that suffering produces endurance; endurance, character, and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given to us.                                 (Romans 5:4-5)

•  0 Hope of Israel, its Savior in time of trouble, Why are you like a stranger in the land?... Yet you, 0 Lord, are among us and we are called by your name; do not leave us.                                                                                              (Jeremiah 14:8)

Knowing for certain that mere mortal will disappoint...
Knowing for certain that there is none perfect - none, but Jesus-
Knowing we will, again, in spite of promises of a "new day" a "new hope" see a man, who like all men, is not God and is not "divine" and being "man" is not the source of "hope" - and this man, although bright, and passionate, and seemingly supported by "the world" - all his intelligence and passion will not, will not, will not ever be the true source of hope...

If he (President Elect Obama) seeks God's counsel, His wisdom and His direction for our country, then, indeed, he just may become one of God's "instruments of hope"...

God has brought us to this place.... He has allowed us to be here...
He alone, sees our tomorrow...
He alone promises to be with us - to the ends of the earth...
to the ends of the age...
He will be...
Always has...
Always will be...
Hope.
He is Hope.
The Source
The Giver
The Gift
In Him do I place my trust...
In Him do I place my "hope"...
...so , yep!

In Him I've-

- "got hope"!

neglected.

My little bloggy has been neglected.
My adult children have been neglected.
My miraculous, amazing, brilliant, beautiful grandson (yes BEAUTIFUL!) has been neglected.
My house repair progress has been neglected.
My hair has been neglected.
My side of the bed has been neglected.
My marriage has been neglected.
My health has been neglected.
Ultimately, my soul - yes, sadly, even the health of my SOUL, has been neglected- for too, too long...
 
I suppose my flurried, hurried, exhausted state is a product of all whirling around me: concern for others,  self-imposed commitments, family-imposed commitments (necessities), financially-imposed
commitments... Maybe more accurately, I should say my current state-of-being is directly related to my self-imposed commitments- because, ultimately I have no one to blame but myself for over-committing, when I am already "committed".  (or should be.  that would be a joke. hmm not a very funny joke!)

Lonely?
Sometimes, often actually.
Do I reach out? 
Heck no, who has time to commit to an "outside relationship"?!? After all, I don't even take time to see the few people who love me, why would I waste time with those who don't?  or try to develop friendships when my time is so limited & so precious?

Tired?
self-imposed, burning the candle from the middle (the ends were gone long ago...) only can point the fingers one way - me.

What do I do to correct?
Heck, I dunno that takes energy.

Actually I DO know, just don't know if I want to take the effort to focus on me.

Okay, so the reality is this:  If serving others is important to me (it is)  and I desire to continue serving others (I do) then I must make certain be achieve some form of "rest" in order to better serve.

Stink.

My nasty self and I had better take time to RE:

RE-  
    fuel
    fresh
    energize

By RE-establishing my relationship with my Lord who longs to "refuel,refresh and re-energize" me.

Actually, He's been longing for me to drop the load - for a long time.

Okay, Lord.  I get it.
Thick-headed.
Stubborn.
But too tired to do it on my own much longer.
Any longer...

Now,
I come back
to
You
cuz your daughter
has dried up
and needs
You
to make
it
one
more
day...

And so, with Grace and Mercy that You, alone, offer, (as a gift - I surely don't deserve it!) I receive your Love... and I begin, again, with You in the Lead. (where You belong)

Help me, God, to honor You, by honoring MY BODY, MY MIND, MY SOUL...
after all, You created me in Your image - I'm just not healthy enough to reflect You like you desire me to...

Help me be more like You.
Help me look like You do.
Help me see what You see when You're looking at me
Help me see me like You do...
So I can see what You see when You're looking THROUGH me,
So I can do what You want me to do...

(slow learner, Lord, but thanks so much for the REFRESHer course!) 

Love, love, love.

Your daughter.... me.

 

 

Breast Cancer 3-Days - Changing the World one step at a time...

Slogans.
Catch-phrases.
Rally cries.

Truth.

My heart resonates with the cries of those in battle with fear: fear of what may or may not be growing within them.

Surrounded by a cloud of bright eyes - gleaming with hope, longing for a better day:
    a cure
    a lifetime because of a cure
Surrounded by a cloud of sad eyes - gleaming with tears, hoping for a better day.
    less pain
    less chemo
    more hair
    healthy momma
    healthy papa
    a future together
    less pain watching a loved one in pain                                                                                                                                              or dying and not being able to do a darn thing about it...

Surrounded by a cloud of humanity pulsating with the waves of disease and chemotherapy and pain medicines and after-surgery healing and co-survivor coping...
    and all, yes, every one, connected in some manner by love...
    and every one, yes every single one, contributing to the fear and contributing to the hope (a myriad of combinations, thereof)...
    and all affected caught up in the conflicting emotions and beliefs that this ugly disease - CANCER - may overtake - all the while HOPING and PRAYING and BELIEVING that this ugly disease- CANCER- may be understood...
    and all affected fearing and hoping that in the research comes understanding  - and through understanding comes knowledge of the CAUSE - WHAT CAUSES CANCER(any factor - all factors)
    and all affected believing, hoping that when the CAUSE(es) is/are found then EVENTUALLY the CURE will not even be needed...

    and so the cycle goes - humanity connected.
    by fear
    by love

And so we, CONNECTED HUMANITY:
                 rather than MERELY watching from afar...
                 rather than MERELY crying, unseen, in the shadows of our loved ones...
                 rather than MERELY wringing our hands in frustration - longing to HELP, to MAKE A                                     DIFFERENCE
          we pick up our FEET and we step - hopefully, brightly into the future...
          we pick up our BANNERS and hold highly the PURPOSE of our fight: moms, sisters, partners,                             aunts, fathers...
    and we pick up our PACE and move head long toward the PROMISE -

united in the MISSION:  a world without CANCER...

and we do it:

one dollar
one step
at
a
time.

That is the Breast Cancer 3-Day.

That is...

HOPE...

That

is

LOVE.

Somebody's daughter carries "hope" for The Cure ...to eternity

She: 21, beautiful, athletic (basketball, softball), National Honor Society, multiple award recipient, loving, kind-hearted, majoring in Special Ed (tender heart for special kids) and this young woman was so passionate for The Cure that she participated in numerous "Cure" events and had this tattoo permanently placed on her shoulder (my son was the tattoo artist)...

Visiting friends in Florida, and walking on the shore of an agitated ocean, this beautiful young soul became the 5th victim of Tropical Storm Fay...

Her momma, Lynn, has weathered her own storms, through her life, but none so violent as the loss of her beautiful baby, Rachel.

As a mother I grieve for Lynn.
As a mother I'm reeling from the shock of the loss of a "good" kid - there are no answers to the "whys"...
As a breast cancer activist - I mourn the loss of a "sister in the fight" and commit to pick up her "banner" and continue on with even more resolve- in honor of this warrior child...

It is with HOPE that we carry on - in loving memory of Rachel Reed, 21.

Taking the "post Breast Cancer 3-Day blues" and knocking them "upside the head"...

...sitting here recovering from the aftermath / the emotional upheaval / complacency of a world around me who may or may not be passionate about something / anything and I read the post of the Breast Cancer 3-Day National Spokesperson : Jenne' Fromm...

Perspective...

Check it out... you might get the same "reality check" I just got...

...dang, my noggin's aching - hit a bit too hard...

The Breast Cancer 3-Day is a lifestyle more than ...

a mere 3-Days, 14 times this year.

Yes it's 3-days.

Oh, but the LIFE of effort, communication, planning, plotting, encouraging, walking, fund raising, fun raising, HAIR-RAISING (and pinking and shaving before it falls out - our dear bud Patty) that happens days, weeks, MONTHS in preparation - turns event participants into  "nearly-consumed" breast cancer activists that oft must choose - purposefully CHOOSE FAMILY over "doing"...

Tomorrow is the day before the event.
Tomorrow is in 47 minutes.
Tomorrow is  one day closer to walking/ talking/ sweating/ blistering with 2200 of my closest-new-friends.

In 3 days it will be over...
In 3 days I will be wondering what to do next
In 2 days I will most surely, re-register for next year - because it is inside of me.
I can't get it out.Don't want to. MUST create awareness. MUST raise funds. MUST support survivors. MUST, MUST, MUST...

(Here we go again & this one "ain't" over yet.)

I just hope I get my household chores done before my OBSESSION starts again...

No breast cancer. Fibroids, yes. NO cancer. Bye bye caffeine...

I know my breasts - all the lumps & bumps... this was different. This was painful.  This was scary, and this was self-induced... caffeine.

Therefore, I can make changes and say good-bye to painful lumps...

And good-bye to the fear of breast cancer - (ugly fear, by the way)

...on to the 3-Day in 3days!!!!

(Still reeling from the great news)

10 mile Breast Cancer 3-Day training walk in 30 minutes...

...but I'd really like to curl up back in bed, but I can't sleep, so why try.  Have been up since 3:45 am researching breast cancer.

This internet thing has gotten out of hand.

I have an old set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica in my storage room.  Bought them to circumvent college and read through to educate myself ( ah, the glow of pot.)    Actually, they're now 32 years old and look brand new - as in - virtually unopened.

So, obvious that I'm no more educated by the $800.00 set (although beautifully bound with gold edges) than before the purchase (like me standing in a garage all day going "vroom, vroom" will still not make me a car) - I find my need to glean information - thirst really- quenched by spending awfully, ridiculous amounts of time going here and there in search for "more input".

Training & fund raising for the 08 Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day (08/08/08) my world has been consumed with educating myself with breast cancer information, facts, risks, yada, yada, yada...

One of my team mates was recently told by her doctor that she's getting "ideas in her head" from the 3-day about her body.  Hmmm really?  You mean that painful lump is from reading the Komen website, and could have nothing to do with the fact that I HAVE A PAINFUL LUMP???

So, while in training for the many miles to walk, in a row (60 in 3 days) I've discovered that hmmm I have soreness in one breast.  So change bras - I'm right in between cup sizes & hard to fit all this loose skin - cup too big - no support - can cause pain?  cup too small - squished - can cause pain?  Okay, well during BSE (breast self exam) and discovering a lump, oh and puckering, oh and slight nipple discharge -classic symptoms of breast cancer (is there such a thing) ...

All this to say - I am waiting for results from one test, while waiting to have 2 more tests this next week while waiting to walk in the breast cancer 3-day while thinking I have breast cancer.

And I've got nothing more to say about the matter...

so I'll go walk...

and then research some more.

"married to" the Breast Cancer 3-Day... hmm where does my HUSBAND fit in?

Having spent way too many hours:
1) on the planning of and execution of events for Fund Raising  every weekend in June and
2) walking with my team in training for way too many miles and 3) way too many hours (so far the most was 8 hour stint) and
4) walking with my very own self  (so far the most was a 6 hour alone, stint)  and
5) then way too much time showering, re-showering and doing laundry to clean all the way too many sweaty walking clothes and
6) then focusing on actually WORKING HARD to make my 16 year old well aware that HE matters - that HIS projects and practices and dances and Youth Group events and social life are important to me (to us, as parents) - (even while spending way too much time breathing, thinking, walking, yada, yada The 3-Day)....

and... (taking another deep breath)

then...  (here we go)

spending way too much time:
1) living in , loving in, working in and being Power of Attorney in my sweet little "elder land"

(my sweet pop)

2) working on fine-tuning-to-sell our office building which our family business has operated out of (still) for almost 30 years...

(Sweet little momma: legally blind and fighting Alzheimer's - trying to keep books for a rental property business... hmmm - she's always been fantastic - until...)...

3) cooking meals for my folks with enough to share with my sweet little Uncle (grieving the loss of his wife of 52 years - I think he'd starve to get to see her sooner)

4) and, and, and...

spending so much time loving and serving my world:

1) that I have seriously, sadly, dangerously neglected the One who created me to serve the world and

2)
that I have seriously, sadly, dangerously neglected  the one whom He has given me to love me, cherish me, support me (see who get's the attention?)

... I have pushed this sweet man to the side, and there he patiently remains
...I have given him my leftovers, and there he sweetly supports
...I have fallen asleep just before opportunities for intimacy - where we've showered and spruced up for each other - all to find me sawing logs - and he, sweet, loving man that he is - just climbs in beside me and patiently waits ---yet another time...

I have served the world and ignored my marriage.

This weekend is a celebration of "us".

We're headed to Chicago, just the 2 of us.

No training.
No fund raising.
No children.
No elders.
No dog.
No phone calls.
No internet.
No laundry.
No interruptions.

We are spending the weekend doing what we love to do: watch people, hang, snuggle, touch in oh-so-familiar ways, and seek to re-connect after living in the same house, in the same bedroom, sharing the same life in the same world for way too long without connecting.

Oh, and for the record: he thinks I'm beautiful, amazing, cute, funny and that everything I'm involved in is "me".   It makes me "me" and he loves me for it.

How weird is that?  The very things about me that keep me away from him, are the very things he finds appealing and makes him willing to wait.

   

This man, singing the National Anthem just before a race - on Memorial Day, is the man I love. With a voice that sounds like honey - warm, smooth, amber goodness, and a heart that trusts and loves me in a way no other has ever loved me -  I truly adore this man.

I love him.
I respect him.

Thank you, honey, for being the most amazing husband and cheerleader a "passionista" could ever dream of...  by believing in me and supporting me the way you do, you allow me the freedom to "be me" .   

That very freedom draws me home, always home ... to you.

Long walking eats up...

hours, feet, builds bodies, eats up hours (worthy of a second mention), and is a must if I'm going to succeed in walking my 2nd Breast Cancer 3-Day this August 8 - 10, in Chicago.

Personally, in order to get long miles in, I've sometimes had to break it up in the day:  9 miles am, 8 pm or 12 am & 4 pm...  this season is difficult for sure, but when looking at my new friend, Patty B.'s life, right now, it puts my "stuff" into perspective...

A week ago, yesterday (Monday) Patty's port-a-cath insertion punctured her lung, didn't know it until she was beginning round 2 of chemo & couldn't breathe..xray then showed what had happened.. numerous times hospitalized in the last week & a day ...the hole kept getting bigger - lung collapsed late last week - she's home now - weak - FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE.... literally.

Patty was told, at the diagnosis of breast cancer, that the type she has is Sarcoma.  And the type she has has less than 1% survival rate.

Less than 1% survival.

Lesser people would give in. Patty's choosing to fight...  Her survival rate has now been elevated to over  40%... She's choosing LIFE! or is trying to...

...and I'm moaning about how hard walking is - not so much the walking,
but making the TIME to do so...practicing for 60 miles in three days
is a huge undertaking - even BEFORE attempting  to WALK
60 miles in 3 Days...

I keep thinking "what's the big deal about walking 60?  we've made the money (or committed to it) in order to walk, they can take the $$'s and send it researcher's way..."

...then I think about those whose lives we represent:
the ones we are walking for  because they are no longer here...
the ones we are walking for because they're here, but too sick and can't
the ones we watched suffer - the ones we love still- and long to DO SOMETHING to make it better...

and then I remember "WHY" we walk.

We walk because, as the 5 or 6 of us training and fund raising in the community as Warriors in Pink  have seen - PEOPLE NOTICE, it RAISES AWARENESS, and builds solidarity - visibility in events, and walking en mass creates a POWERFUL STATEMENT of "issue, concern, passion, and longing to make a better world"...

We walk - because we can.

Then we make plans for childcare and struggle to make the miles / hours...

We spend too much money on gear that will help us endure, protect our feet & hopefully keep West Nile Virus bugs off of our hopefully non-chafed , oft achy, weary, bodies -

Then, once back home, we try making up for the time spent away from our families, by overdoing attention and affection when we really want to just 'BE" or zone out - just REST...

...and we look toward a near future, when all this really culminates - when it matters... when the walk is in progress and we're caught up in the tide of humanity - in the swell of emotion and passion and purpose...

...and we look farther down the road, to a day, a time, a world where our children only hear those words that strike fear into the hearts of even the strongest of people (_________  cancer)  - the day- yes THE DAY , when they only READ THOSE WORDS in a classroom in a school (or home!) from a HISTORY BOOK ...

...and we will look back and know that we were part of something far bigger than ourselves, and our own agendas and lives... we invested our blood, sweat and tears into a legacy of health for our children and their children's children...

...and it will have all been because we laced up our shoes and took the first step...

...that is a legacy worth walking for.

Breast Cancer 3-Day and butt muscles... no stopping now...

You don't "not train" hundreds of miles for months that should have been spent creating a lean, mean, walking machine - all to try to stroll 10.14 miles on Saturday and 15 miles of Sunday and, in the "not training" you've come to realize that when you do stupid things - like pretending to be a marathon-walker... your body has no choice but to hurt where you didn't know you had muscles and to desire to sleep, sleep, sleep (but can't - who has time???) to recover.... oh well...

I mean, I didn't start out on this Breast Cancer 3-Day season with the intention of not training for MILES and MILES prior to what is called "back to backs"...

But, nonetheless, life happens - life happened and stuff, many kinds of stuff, people - responsibilities sickness,feels-like-heart-attack-pain-go -to-hospital-admitted for days- kind of pain - but healthy heart muscle says "go for it" and so I do...

Like many miles. . . in a row... with these lovely strong, Warrior Women..... We walk, we talk, we raise funds and awareness and we pull butt muscles, because people like

these people - who will be standing in different spots, this Chicago 3-Day, because their CENTRAL focus - AbbyJill Brauhn - the lovely in the white ball cap,  is no longer with us on this planet, because with all the advancements and dollars spent on "why" and "how" and"what" of Breast Cancer we've yet to have found a cure.... and this beauty is gone.

My butt muscle is just no big deal.  It hurts - but sometimes pain, itself, is a lovely reminder that we're here, breathing and are given the opportunity to walk for awareness - walk for fundraising - walk in MEMORY, to walk in SUPPORT and to walk - simply because we can...

Warriors in Pink on the Breast Cancer 3-Day: raising awareness, money and PINK MOHAWKS

Wal-Mart Fundraiser 6/14/08
Warriors in Pink (top left to right: Leah, Teresa & friend Mickey) Amy, bottom: L - R - Judy, AnnMarie, friend PATTY, AnnMarie's daughter-Adriana, friend PATTY & mom, and  Sheila )joined by friends & family offered breast health information, artisan crafted jewelry, FancyFlops, Adopt-A-Ducky, Warriors in Pink temp tattoos & scarves, baked goods and grateful smiles to all who graced our tables yesterday.

Some observations from our adventure:
1) some people suck
2) some people don't

3) people living in the "fire" of "struggle" (read that disease, poverty, etc.) tend to have larger hearts
4) people living with a "more" attitude are oh-so-small-and-in-reality-have-so-little-which-stinks-for-them-cuz-they-never-have-enough-and-have-fat-wallets-cuz
they're-on-a-"get this next thing" budget-while-the-world-goes-"to hell in a handbasket" and they're saving for "more"... which is so very sad and so very small and just don't get me started
5) love comes in many shapes and sizes and colors and smiles
6) people (read that "person" - actually read that "Patty B" in Pink mowhawk) with Sarcoma and less than 1% survival rate have so much love to give and live life so largely and squeeze out every-last-drop of joy from every minute of every day - and when in their presence (HER) you KNOW, you KNOW, you KNOW you've just looked into the eyes of an "angel-here-on-earth", and you KNOW, you KNOW, you KNOW your life will never be the same with her in it, and you KNOW it drives you (me and my amazing Warriors) to DO MORE! Raise awareness MORE!  Raise $$$'s MORE and Give MORE so that somewhere someday soon angels-in-brand-new-pink-Mohawks, with one "new booby" and one "new 2-week-husband who doesn't care if she has one or two boobies and hair or not" don't lose those Mohawks in a matter of weeks to some blasted Chemotherapy that is sure to kill GOOD cells and PRAY TO GOD it kills the C#NCER cells while it's at it..

Geesh.

(Take a breath and re-read that "item # 6"  it's profound - because SHE is profound...)

All that being said, I am, once again sorting through the pain of loving - loving the world that is in pain - often makes the lover of the world -ahem -- FEEL pain...

At 52, I know some things:
...all of what was listed , above...
...that LOVE is an unspoken glue that connects hearts- seen and unseen-
...I know that there are people in my life who are "idle-ing" through life without passion or purpose and my heart breaks for them that they know not what I'm speaking of or experiencing
...and as much as  my heart breaks for those dwelling in complacency, it breaks more for those who aren't..
for those who aren't are dwelling in the Land of Passion for Something Bigger than themselves...and those who aren't (living in the Land of Complacency, remember? hee)  are setting themselves up to Loving Largely... and it is, indeed, a GUARANTEE that if you "love large" you are gonna get hurt - badly hurt - because your HEART feels what their pain feels like - loving care and concern does that, you know.  And LOVING HEARTS connect with this GLORIOUS world on so many different levels, and LOVING HEARTS see more to love, everywhere they look, and with that brings even more heart-ache, because when you LOVE you CARE and when you CARE when those whom you LOVE experience PAIN---- so do you.

And that, my loves, that is when you (read that "I") SCRATCH THE SURFACE on the intense LOVE of the Heavenly Father for His Son and for the world - His kids..

Ah-ha... the Love of the Father...rejoicing with His kids who are rejoicing while hurting with His kids who hurt

And He loves me (read that "US") so much that He wants us to Love as He loves - pain and all- because in the loving and in the hurting is where  true LIFE and JOY is found ...

...now THAT's "Father's Day"...

...and the truth behind the phrase: "because I love you, honey... this is going to hurt me more than it does you..."

...indeed it does...

Ink for Pink - for the Breast Cancer 3-Day! --Tattoo Raffle--!!!

...for the CURE!

Nationally featured (Tattoo Magazine), acclaimed Tattoo artist: David Allen of Bluebird Tattoo, Portage, IN, has donated a $200.00 value tattoo for the Cure!

200 max raffle tickets to be sold (1 in 200 chance to win!)

$5.00 donation to my site link below = 1 raffle ticket (I'll email you your raffle ticket number to your provided email addy) entry in order of donation email time stamp.

Raffle drawing will be Saturday, July 26 by www.Random.org, "Random sequence generator" draw.

Must be 18 to enter raffle, winner must present ID.

Check out David's stunning work:
(at Bluebird: http://www.bluebirdtattoo.com/gallery.php then click on "David Allen")
(personal blog site: http://www.allentattoo.com/gallery/index.php )

Again: each $5.00 donation to my 3-day page = 1 Raffle ticket number assigned to you (given by email - so make sure to provide email addy!)

SITE LINK:
http://08.the3day.org/goto/JudyGehrels


email for questions, comments:
jgehrels@comcast.net

Family members not eligible to win. (stink!)