Adventures of a Passionista

Dedicated to Flora R, Kay C, Karen G, Becky R,

...Judy M., Donna S., Janice R., Janice V., Paulette Y. ,  Kenita K. and countless other SLAYERS whom I adore.

I found this poem and thought of you!!!  With love and admiration...

 

"CANCER SLAYER"         

by Sabrina Esposito, Vero Beach, Florida

Passages to strength
Come in many forms and lengths,
Survival of the fittest,
The biggest
Lessons learned
Appear only when earned,
When fate turns
Its back on you,
Misconstrued,
Subdued
With questions of how and why,
Will I die?
How many tears am I able to cry?
The inquiries never seem to subside,
Outside,
I am a warrior-Braveheart if you will,
Yet within the walls of my ivory skin lies a disease that will kill
At will
With no prejudice or bias,
Ready to guide us
To our Maker of life

Where there lies no strife,
Maybe finally a day of peace
The heartaches will cease,
But my soul tells me to get up and fight
It is not my time to go towards the light,
The flight
That is destined for me
Is to be
The leader of every community
To help them see
It is not about you or I – it is about we,
I will not be added to the list of the deceased

Time of death 12:43,
Any demon can be defeated
As long as in the Lord’s hands you are seated,

(sigh)

I AM HERE
And yet you have been gone for slightly over 2 years,
And it’s amazing how my smiles take the place of those tears,
I now hope…instead of fear
And I pray that my message to all is crystal clear,
I stared Cancer right in the face
Not with anger but with womanly grace
And told it to get the hell out of this place!!!!

 

Copyright Sabrina Esposito

"Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer"

NWIN Law Enforcement Cops for a Cure  will be heading to Chicago August 5 - 7  to walk - on purpose - 60 miles in 3 days.  All for an amazing cause...

                            The following is a re-write of an article written in August of 2007 ..

Having just completed walking 60 +/-miles in 3 Days,with hundreds of emotional moments and sound bites replaying in my mind, the one that resounds loudest was sitting on the concrete steps, adjacent to the Michigan Ave sidewalk, East of Randolph, at Millennium Park (Chicago) - less than 2 miles from FINISH LINE!!

Walking past him, at approximately #1200 out of #2400 walkers, "he" sat there shaking his head "no" (side to side) repeating this chant: "Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer!"

Over and over...

"Walkin' ain't gonna cure breast cancer."

He continued shaking head no, no, no - looking at anyone who would look at him, square in the eye...

"Walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer."   Over and over he shook his head and repeated his chant...

Not being able to stand it any longer, and in my most intelligent of replies I retorted "well walking is doing a lot more than you are just sitting there, buddy."

Did I REALLY just say that?

Yep, now THAT was an intelligent, educational, kind and enlightening reply.

Wow.

The day before, Day 2, thousands were walking -a mammoth SEA of Pink:  BOOBs on sun visors, BOOBS of various NAMES written all over shirts: "Titty-titty Bang Bang", "Boob-i-licious", "Happy Hooters", "Boob Supporters", "Itty-BItty-Titty-Committee", etc.

There were PINK ribbons, PINK hats, PINK boas, male cops and firefighters in PINK shirts directing traffic and cheering the walkers on.  It was a virtual PINK FEST and a lady approaches the gal I was striding with at the time and asks: "what is all this pink for? what's the walk for??

Stopping her stride, and looking at her with daggers, my friend replied: "are you kidding me? (pregnant pause) for real? (another pregnant pause) It's for BREAST CANCER! BREAST CANCER!"

Curious lady vanished into a local storefront - most likely licking her wounds... ouch...

There's something about being a cancer survivor (like my bristling friend) or co-survivor or Breast Friend Forever of a breast cancer survivor- that makes one sensitive or passionate (both, actually) about this disease. Hmm, could be simply the "life and death!" factor...or the possibility that our children could grow up motherless that surely makes us a tad sensitive...

And we who are possessed with the spirit of advocacy, of awareness of the need to fight in a compassionate army - and battle in a war for healthy bodies - we PRESUME people "get" us.

get "pink"

get "it"

But the realities are this:
1) Pink is a color
2) Pink will not cure breast cancer
    --wearing pink on our head, pink bra over our clothes, pink ribbons pinned all over our bodies     while walking and passing out breast health information and sharing the importance of early     detection - does NOT cure breast cancer NOR does it mean just because it matters to me that     it matters to the rest of the world...

Which brings us to walking...
    "walking" in and of itself truly WILL NOT cure breast cancer. As much as it troubled me what     the smart-butt guy said - "walking ain't gonna cure breast cancer" - he was right... it will make         us feel stronger, create a healthier body ... but it won't CURE...

BUT: walking in the midst of a compassionate army - makes the army feel stronger, and less         alone in the battle

BUT: walking through sleepy or vibrant communities generates curiosity and curiosity often         breeds awareness and awareness results in more people understanding that EARLY         DETECTION SAVES LIVES, which also raises awareness of the need for regularly         performing BSE 's (Breast Self-Exams) , which create people who want to DO something         because either THEY have breast cancer, or someone they adore does - which converts a         previously- complacent-lalalala lady walking into the neighborhood drug store into someone         who wants to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in the world, which turns them into         active warriors to fight in this army, raise vital funds for investment in research that we         believe will one day SOON - not only find THE CURE, but will find the CAUSE of cancer -         breast cancer - all cancers.

Until no one has to ask what all the pink people are walking for...

Until no one has to say "walkin' ain't gonna cure breast cancer"... for the only reason that BREAST CANCER WILL NO LONGER EXIST IN THE PRESENT BUT WILL ONLY BE FOUND IN A HISTORY BOOK - until THAT TIME...

...we walk

... in pink.

(can't wait to get rid of all the stinking pink in my closet... can't wait until pink is just a COLOR)

On Fighting

A little over a year ago my life took a turn - it took many turns, actually, but one, in particular helped change the course of my future...

I discovered  a girl. 

She had just received the horrid diagnosis of breast cancer. A fighter by nature, this girl dug in, face forward, and met each challenge with a MISSION to communicate to the world during one of the most difficult legs during her (then) 39 year old journey... this FIGHT was met with courage, determination, honesty, authenticity and transparency of such magnitude that it rallied a Region, and lifted up a community.   Transparency during the ups and downs  - that is usually reserved for only the "closest of family"  - this girl - opened her heart, her life and her battle up to the world...

...and the world followed her journey, loving her from afar and she loved them back.

Her parents both, died early of cancer... her mom was 39 when she lost her battle to cancer.

Officer Flora Ryan  #139 :

diagnosed at  

39,

OVERCAME cancer,

and today - June 22, 2011 

is   

40.

Forty.

 

When asked by someone clueless to the significance of this birthday: "how do you feel about being FORTY?!!" (as if it were OLD, or something!)  Flora replied: "I can't WAIT! I want to be 50 and 60 and 70 and 80!!!!"

Puts it all in perspective.

I love this girl, this Flora Ryan. And how I respect her!  Having watched her good days, rough days, and great days and all the changes in between this past year, I've seen in her a true Hero.  a SHE-RO.  She has taught me (her Elder , haha!) what FIGHT "looks like"... overcoming chemo, and radiation and all the side effects, while mothering children, and loving on her wonderful, newly-wedded husband and giving time and space to the world around her... then diving right back into work  (her calling - her mission) - defending, protecting and serving our community with passion and drive... a bald-headed beauty now sporting 3 inch wavy hair - she plowed into life with a zeal and zest that shouted to the world "I am here! I am in! I am going to Fight Like a Girl and I am going to win!"

Today, at the ripe young age of 40, she did WIN! ... she is... and she will continue to shine the way and connect with those who, themselves, have a battle before them.

"Happy Birthday, dear Flora.  You have shaken my, our world... and have enriched our lives... We had no clue how we, ourselves would be changed and inspired by you... thank you!   Here's to 40 more  as daily you continue to Fight Like A Girl! "

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

Relay for LIFE!

My heart is heavy with the intensity of recent loss coupled with the poignant reminder that over the past 40 years of my 55, cancer has robbed me and our family of loved ones... It is an evil thief.

Tonight's Relay for Life I walk in

MEMORY OF:

Aunt Mildred McCallister Merriman , 48   (breast cancer)

Aunt Mary Lou McCallister, 80   (lung, bone cancer)

Grandpa Grover Cleveland McCallister (protate/ bladder cancer)

Father-in-Law William Gehrels (prostate cancer)

Aunt Peggy (Allen) Sandburg,   (lung, brain cancer)

Friend  Abby-Jill  Marie Brauhn, 43   (breast cancer)

 

While heavy hearted for those who have lost their battle, I REJOICE and CELEBRATE LIFE! with those who have battled and OVERCOME this beast!

 I walk in HONOR and SUPPORT of these:

(in alphabetical order)

Jim Carpenter !

Michelle Carugati-Caldwell !

Kay Cherepko!

Barb George !

Karen Guito!

Judy McCallister !

Rachel Miller!

Joe Morales!

Becky Robbins !

Flora Ryan!

Donna Szabo!

Paulette Young!

Roz Varon !

Janice Vigna!

and so, so many others!!!

 

We walk, we relay, we raise awareness and funds - all in Hope and Prayer for a Cure!

 

 

 

"Walk on..."

"So much work to do. So many more lives to touch. Onward and upward. Continue to look up - no limits."

I received this encouragement this morning as result of fears being dissolved with the shocking revelation:  I am very healthy.  Prepped for biopsy and no need for one.  Tests were good. Great. No cancer. No anything.  What caused doc such immediate concern tested "normal" when testings were done.

How is it possible to have mixed feelings about such amazingly, wonderful news?

But mixed feelings I do have.

I am supremely grateful that I am healthy.

And I am incredibly sad that others, more trusting, more faithful  and no less "deserving" of "good news", however ... yesterday others DID receive BAD news... and I am grieved that some, yesterday  DID lose their own battle with a diseased body.

For that my heart - though rejoicing - also grieves...

And yet - I am shocked - amazed at such goodness that my life has been surrounded by.  Normally one to bear down, stay well-hidden in the process of quietly overcoming such personal issues , this time, by opening up, I found an abundance of hope and faith and support that I truly was blown away by. So grateful for such love. So amazed by such outpouring of humanity, each one representative of their own "lives' issues" and yet each one so supportive.  Wow.

So, now with issues explained and the subsequent clearing out of doubts and fears - my mind moves forward and outward...

There are so many people to support, to encourage, and to salt lotsa love into...

 

And so, as my dear friend encouraged me :      

"So much work to do. So many more lives to touch. Onward and upward.

Continue to look up - no limits." 

I take this challenge, seeking God's leading as we g0,  head on out...   and walk on!

 

(8 weeks to 60 miles in 3 Day!  Chicago - here we come!)

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

 

Journey?

"a. The act of traveling from one place to another; a trip. b. A distance to be traveled or the time required for a trip."

Journey.

To say this has been an "interesting journey" thus far would imply that I'm farther along whatever path it is that I'm supposed to be traveling on.

For whatever reason  that thought brings "The Wiz" to mind: "ease on down, ease on down the ro-oad! Come on and  ease on down, ease on down the ro-o-oad, Don't you carry nothin' that might be a load, come on ease on down ease on down the ro-oad!"

At 55, been lotsa road traveled on, some of it "easy" , but, frankly most of it not so easy.

While the "easy" times have given pauses that refresh - I truly believe that the difficult times (even the NW Indiana POT HOLES!!!)  have given me so much more appreciation for the value of the "Journey" in the first place.

Having the opportunity to:

        trust, lean-on, develop faith, overcome, dive-in, stick with it, seek wise counsel, pray, hope, long for, seek  (etc!)

makes the FINDING so much sweeter... develops life-muscles that help prepare me for NEXT AND, in turn, give me life experience that, hopefully, can be used to encourage another!

So  - be encouraged!

It's known that without the struggle  a  caterpillar goes through as it works hard to emerge from its crysalis as a butterfly    - the creature would not have the strength to survive!  It would shortly die. (if the crysalis were opened by an outside source)

The STRUGGLE provides the strength it needs to journey out and on...

Unlike the Wiz (ease on down) we can find our encouragement knowing we are not alone during every season in our lives - the good times, the rough times... there is One with us in our struggle - carrying our load with us and for us and helping us:

   Matthew 11:28-30           Come to me you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.         Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

James 1: 2-5    Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish the work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

 

All in all, yes, I am on a Journey. I am not where I began, and I am not "there yet"   - and so while traveling on -  the discoveries of self, the revelations of the character of Who this One who created me, who knows me, loves me, calls me His own ( who HE IS) - drives me ,moves me, PROPELS me forward,  gathering loved ones as I go - as we go.

So, I am grateful for the journey - lumps and bumps and all !

(still not a fan of the pot holes:)

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

Are we there yet?

Processing.

Waiting.

Wondering.

Busying my mind.

Processing.

Researching.

Waiting, waiting, is it Thursday (biopsy) yet?

The ultrasound showed some normal stuff going on... which brings more into focus, and limits what can/ may/ may not "be".

Waiting.

I'm sure there are adult ways to pass the time. But in my minds eye I see a little girl bouncing in the back seat  asking every mile or two (only 400 to go!) "are we there yeeeettttt?????"

Somehow, in the middle of waiting, and wondering and researching and , and, and there are snippets, glimpses of sweet, lovely PEACE. Unmistakable, unexpected, and most-welcomed PEACE.

 

Wow.

 

I love that.

 

In the middle of the waiting... He loves me enough to provide such lovely gifts...

In the New Testament Bible book of Philippians 4:  6 - 9 is a section of  Scripture that speaks to me... when I read it,  it's got MY NAME written there!!!! :)

The following is a conversation He is having with me... warning - it's a conversation through the Word and it's TO ME ! :) (- this is not quoting the scripture - this IS Judy paraphrased:)   

"JUDY LEE!!!!  DON'T WORRY! Don't worry about ANYTHING! Not even an upcoming biopsy - Don't worry, but pray!  ASK ME!! and  then, THANK ME, in advance. 

Now you know,  the only way you can THANK ME in advance, is if you  believe what you're asking Me, Jude!  If you believe ME.  

My daughter, if you do this,  THEN I will give you Peace that is above any human understanding - and that peace will guard your HEART and your MIND in me, Christ Jesus!  

But this is not all!

Once you pray, ask, and thank me - NEXT - to keep those stinking nagging thoughts of doubt from re-entering your brain ...

THINK ON THE GOOD STUFF... on purpose!  Make yourself think on  things that are praiseworthy, and true,and lovely and of GOOD REPORT... 

think on all the awesome things you've learned from me and have seen me do these past 27 years we've walked together -

and I - the God of everything - and most-certainly the God of Peace  -

I WILL BE WITH YOU".

 

Okay.

Okay.

I'm "in", Lord...

I may not "be there yet" - but until I am "there" I am  in fantastic "company"  ...  and that alone, makes the

wait

so

worth

it.

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

Courage

It can create a little concern when you call to establish a new doctor / patient relationship and the nurse you speak with , upon hearing the issues/symptoms, asks you to hold, then returns to the phone and says, "doctor would like to see you tomorrow"...

And it can cause a little concern when new doc does see you   and says, "sweetie, we need to get you in for a biopsy, I'd like to do it here in the office, and get it done quickly, also here's a card, I'd like you to see this doctor regardless - with your  history we need to be certain how we proceed  what your body will tolerate and not create further issues" - .

And it can also cause a little more concern when the Oncologist's office calls the next day, and states "we've gathered your files from the past ten years and would also like you to have the results of the upcoming tests and the biopsy sent to us asap".

So , in 1 weeks' time 2 upcoming tests, 1 biopsy ... and here we go.

Did she SAY the word "cancer" ? 

No.

Do the unspoken yet spoken things lead to that word? 

Yes.

Am I sitting here "knowing in my gut" (so to speak) that I do?

Heck no.

Am I wondering? 

Yes.

Planning?

Yes.

Praying?

Yes.

Nagged by doubt or fear catching me off guard?

Yes.

Holding on to fear?

NO!

The "orderly, logical side of me" is visualizing this life in this household and boys, grandson, parents with Alzheimer's, business to put to rest, bills to pay, bookkeeping to organize so "if' the "worst" happens my family won't be left in a lurch, and what do I want to do? and I'm darn well  GOING to go to a beach somewhere before and...

The EMOTIONAL side of me would cry out "NO", not now!...

Such things would torment a person's mind - for sure - if allowed to dwell there.

In my researching and rampant reading, I ran across something today that struck a chord - a nerve - in me and is absolutely simply, beautifully  profound - and stopped me in my tracks :                                                                                    

                                "Have the courage to live. Anyone can die."

                                                                                                                                -Robert Cody

Got it. 

A dear friend has thumped me in the noggin with truth recently - and just as powerfully - this THUMPED my NOGGIN, for sure!

Also, one of my favorite Scriptures , by far, is Psalm 13.

In reading this Psalm I see so much of my life - my dramatic lows, and exhuberant highs -all in 6 little verses  - just 6 little verses - and within those 6 verses  I feel a kindred spirit with David - the writer...

For the director of music. A psalm of David.   (a man after God's own heart! yes!) 

(Notice the 1st 4 is pure LAMENTING - crying out - why???? HELP ME!)

 ¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?

² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 

(Hold ON! This is where it get's gooood!)

 ⁵ But               ("BUT"! midstream he CHOSE to CHANGE HIS THINKING!)

   I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 

⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me"

 

For me, this crying out and "willful choosing to take control of fearful, stinking thinking" is what gives me hope to know my momentary fear, or battle is not unknown, nor unexpected by God.

He knows me - my inmost thoughts and deepest, darkest hopes and longings... and He loves me. He chose me (you, us all!) and He loves me. He wants me.. He wants ME to have relationship - open and honest with Him.  I can approach Him with the real me - warts and all , He will always listen. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that is too overwhelming, too deep, too close, to anything that He cannot handle.

He can certainly handle a few doctors' appointments.

He can certainly handle my dreams and longings... and He is with me.

Knowing that gives me permission to be me, who He loves, and me is a girl who loves this life she's been gifted with.

So, dag nabbit, I'm gonna seek some Supernatural COURAGE get me some living done. :)

 

(thank you, Lord, for clarity!)

 

Here's to Living! Yes!

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

Keeping the flame... in the breast cancer fight...

When Abby-Jill moved out of her "earth suit" into her HEAVENLY one and is now TRULY "dancing with the stars" , she left behind a world that was made far better by her contributions to it.

I, for one, who has been proud (first mistake...)of being a "passionate person" in this beautiful "life dance", soon realized that my "passion" paled, by comparison to Abby-Jill's.

My team mate, Scott C., was fund raising and walking in her honor.   I met her in person, during the August 2007 Breast Cancer 3Day.   That day my life was permanently and INSTANTLY marked by her flame which burned deeply into my heart and mind. Passion? I had truly found what "passion" looked like... and it surely didn't look like me.

Debbie (Abby-Jill's sister) TIARA-wearing Abby-Jill (of course!) and their momma - day 3 - 2 miles from finish line!

How can someone who ,1.5 weeks prior, had fluid drained from her lungs, and who - just 5 days earlier had had chemotherapy - walk, laugh, walk, hug, embrace, laugh,  love, walk, giggle, jiggle, dance, dance, dance to the music that was in HER head.

So here's the thing: since having been "torched" (yes "torched" , "sparked by flame") by Abby-Jill, I've, unwittingly, become a Breast Cancer fighter-no-that's-not-a-strong-enough-word...WARRIOR.

Now look: what I didn't see were the tears. the hair loss.  the swelling. the pain, the agony, the horror that this disease caused as it created havoc in her body and consumed her.  Her loved ones did.

I grieve for her loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine - to feel their enormous loss...

But I can feel for them, and I can create a stir to cause awareness and, hopefully, generate just a little bit of concern and compassion from an ambivalent world...

And so,  I wear pink.  It's not because I like pink- pink - is a girly, good-girl, prissy-stinking color. .  More tom-boy than prissy, I'm more fond of chocolate and green and all things "earthy" - ...

Sadly, pink, in our current CULTURE often represents MARKETING MANIA at the expense of the pain, the sorrow, the struggle, the fight for life - that breast cancer causes.

Breast cancer is a killer.

Abby-Jill died at 43.

We were robbed.

Aunt Mildred Kirby (nee McCallister) died at 48.

We were robbed.

Breast cancer is a thief: stealing health and finances and time with loved ones.

There is nothing "pink" about it.

Pink won't bring 'em back.

May we not lose sight of what the battle really is.
May we continue to educate ourselves and refuse to "play in Pink".
Rather, may we use this nasty color to cause a stir, and in doing so, enrage a world that so complacently accepts wigs and drawn-on eyebrows as a way of making a cancer-ridden-patient "feel better"...

May we ask the questions... the difficult questions:

Early detection saves lives?
Early detection of something that is rampant - WHY IS IT RAMPANT?  WHY?
What factors cause cancer to begin with?
What chemicals in our environment, food, water contribute?

Find the contributing factors, then we don't need to "detect" anything...

Sigh.

And as nauseating and distasteful as it is, if wearing stinking PINK will create a stir that causes someone to ask me what's up  - I am willing to wear stinking PINK...

And so I walk - and always, always walking in memory of those who have lost their fight with this ugly disease , in honor of those who battle and in support of those whose lives are personally affected by it.

The flame of life that Abby-Jill had, that was extinguished in her death caused by breast cancer - carries on in those of us who refuse to sit by and allow breast cancer to take all of our loved ones...

without a fight.

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

 

Sowing

Sowing

While it’s not that I fear death                                                                                                                                        

Mine is the understanding that there is forever- more…                                                                                                      

    ...eternity.

No, it's not that I'm  afraid of dying –                                                                                                                   

of leaving this Earth-suit, of shedding off mortality.                                                                                                                                                         

It’s that I am just now settling into my skin.

I am just now beginning to see with eyes older,                                                                                             

yet with clearer vision,

those around me

Who, themselves, are navigating this lovely planet with their own vision,                                               their own task,

their own mark to make.

How I long to make mine.     

A mark.

To touch another.                                                                                                                                                                 

to make a difference                                                                                                                                                             

In my world.                                                                                                                                                                              

In this world.                                                                                                                                                                                            

In His world.

To be known as one who loved well                                                                                                                               

To be remembered as one who was willing to be what another would or could not –                              

in the name of Love.

To bring a smile                                                                                                                                                                         

A warmth                                                                                                                                                                                     

A most-welcome touch to a soul that hungers to hear hope.

To share the One who has,                                                                                                                                      Himself,                                                                                                                                                                                  

Fully, completely, eternally - given that hope.

Oh I am not afraid of dying…                                                                                                                                            

It’s just…                                                                                                                                                                                 

Now that I am beginning to fully understand the depth and height of Such Love..                                         

I do so hunger to do more ,                                                                                                                                      

wasting less, far less time                                                                                                                                                      

to sow Such Love...

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

80th Birthday. (no "happy" about it)

 

No birthday candles.

No birthday cake.

No balloons.

No the same $20.00 passed from sister to sister in a "for my Sister" birthday card.

No celebration.

However...

...many tears

...much, so much pain

80 years today and the cancer cells are continuing to consume her now 68 pound body..bones are hurting so , so badly... lung tumor is growing causing labored breathing... now invading her brain, multiple fractures through her rib cage - bones compromised to the point of one wrong move could snap her little self...

...and she cries...

...deep, heart-wrenching sobs, shaking her little shoulders face pinched up in a howling wail of "I don't know what is happening to me!" " I hurt, I hurt..."

...and in one INSTANT she gathers herself and tries so hard to control herself - control her fear.

She tries so hard to remind her own mind that the worst part of these circumstances is her attitude about the circumstances...

...and the evil beast, Alzheimers, is keeping her from remembering just why she is dying...why she is now dependent on others as her caregivers after living her entire adult life - single, self-providing, never married, no children, always doing everything that needed to be done to give herself a good life...

and she tries and she tries this mental dance of "Mary - now stop this!"... (stop what? she forgets!)

HOW DO YOU BATTLE YOUR MIND WHEN YOUR MIND IS BATTLING YOU?

And yet, she regroups for yet one more round and says "I'm ready - I've lived a good life... I've had great friends, have traveled to Alaska, Panama Canal, took a trip with Darlene in Arizona - I'm content... I'm ready. I am so ready"...

...and then she forgets what she was saying and forgets why she is hurting (I must have fallen) as the tumor growing out of her bone is filling up her leg...

("honey, it's getting better then I can go home soon")

...

and I pray to God that, indeed, in His infinite wisdom - He allows her - please, God, please let her go "home"...

What kind of niece am I?

sad.

very sad.

and determined.

cancer is killing my loved ones.

alzheimers is killing my loved ones.

and I will do what I can to love them through this...

...and when they are gone - to help find / fund a cure.

but this hurts.

and

for this 80th birthday...there is no happy about it.

Picture of Mary Lou & I 1right before Christmas 2010... she was "rebounding" in a Hospice Center. They controlled her pain & the bugger began eating again! Stronger was moved to a nursing home... where she now resides getting the loving care and med she needs now that she is in final stages ... (I could not bring myself to show her now...) those sparkling eyes are the Mary I know.

 

 

Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.

More than a number...

           

Portage Police Officer Flora Ryan

 

                     
Judy, John Ryan (loving, supportive! husband, Sarge) , Flora Ryan,  Roz Varon                                (interviewing Flora for TV Special that aired 10/10)

Officer Flora Ryan's interview w/ Roz Varon ABC Chicago

 

# 139   

# 5892

#139 + #5892 = PINK POLICE!!!!

#139= One amazing lady  who's FIGHT LIKE A GIRL - has energized a Region

#5892 = Five thousand, eight hundred, ninety-two ---- People

"Fans"

5892 precious people who started  - one by one - as a Voice of Encouragement to Officer Flora Ryan - upon her diagnosis (last March 2010) and support for Relay for Life involvement (June 2010) but have grown into one of the most incredible support systems , prayer team, brothers and sisters in the fight: survivors, co-survivors, Thrivers and those who just want to make a difference and RELATE to others who have "been there"  - all gathered together on the wacky social-media format: Facebook - across the country and the world!

Pink Ribbon #139 magnets on cars/motorcycles from California, to Florida, to South Carolina to Canada... encouragement and $ support - all toward Susan G. Komen for the Cure... over $18,000.00 thus far - magnets and bracelets... wow... such love, such support, HUMANITY DOES CARE!

So THANK YOU!  Pink Police thanks you!  (NWIN Law Enforcement) Cops for a Cure - thanks you!

You've helped change our world... for the better...

...trusting that we're "in" until we don't need to be...

Together - for the Cure!

(NWIN Law Enforcement) Cops for A Cure

 Susan G. Komen Chicago 3-Day for the Cure - Team Page

 

WEEEEEEEE! Better 'n a Roller Coaster!!!

One of my new fav Blogs to read is Crystal,  of PINK HAIRED GIRL . Her blog today was the one entitled "A Different Kind of MIssion Trip"  which got me thinking of my own experiences with my FAITH and my commitment to the 09 Chicago Breast Cancer 3Day .

Below is the reply I gave to Crystal - copied & pasted in true "on vacation" manner! :

...as a 3Dayer heading to 3 years, I can tell you from experience, that calling this “a different kind of missions trip” is EXACTLY what you will experience. Diverse cultures, diverse life experiences, impacting individuals by living examples, by encouragement and providing vital information that can save lives. We (Warriors in Pink - Rachel’s Hope) use the fundraising need as our motivation for community activism, breast cancer education and awareness - then the funds come! Last year, during a fundraising at WallyWorld, a gal that had seen our posters came up to us, introduced herself and said she was on her way to get her hair cut off - before it fell out. Turns out she had been diagnosed with Sarcoma and less than 1percent survival rate - cutting off her hair was her being able to CONTROL something in her life - we were there cheering her on, when she returned, and celebrated by spray painting her remaining “mohawk” PINK! The team provide meals for her family during, after horrible chemo - we invited her to be our “guest of honor” during a 4th of July Parade where we wore PINK and Red,White & Blue and marched for “FREEDOM from BREAST CANCER” in the parade. She still struggles but is not alone. We’ve grown, we’ve seen His had guide us and use us in remarkable ways… Then the 3Day event itself - that is where we felt “the world as it SHOULD be”… thousands of people - drawn together by LOVE for LOVE - wow… speechless and forever drawing us back for MORE.

We also learned, even in training, - every step we took, was an opportunity to make a difference: together in the lives of the team, and in the community. There were many, many training days we PINKED it out, carried Komen breast fact flyers (all printable online) and trained 10 - 15- 18 miles - walking to neighboring communities and back and talking with all wonderful kinds of people along the way. We’ve met a 16 year old who thought she had breast cancer - actually had “questionable cells” - and we loved/hugged encouraged her - offering support and prayers.

Wow. The stories are endless - and are exactly why we are drawn, compelled to work in this “mission field”. This is my call - and I’m so fulfilled having answered it!"

Nothing Earth shattering in my reply, just real - real commitment, real emotion, real life-changing-events representing COUNTLESS stories of COUNTLESS people who have become forever imprinted into my memory-banks and my heart...

Good intentions led me to strive to RAISE FUNDS the 1st year... focus on raising those precious dollars.  Okay so my heart / my motives were pure - but I missed out on so much = COMMUNITY!  I missed out on SERVING, and becoming involved with others lives and becoming so enriched!

This past year - year 2 - I dedicated myself to SERVING the community - and in doing so - DUH - the FUNDS CAME without the struggle! Sure, there were some challenging moments of "HELP!" along the way - but it was so awesome to see God's handiwork - our willingness to be and do and go where He sent + His miracle-working-love-grace-mercy-today =  $$'s miracles and LIVES CHANGED - mine mostly! :)

So this year my motto:  “Serve the people - the $$ will come”  is , again, exactly what I seek to do. I am so excited about where He'll lead me this year...whom He'll bring me in contact with and how He'll direct my path... woo hoo!  This is a great ride!  Unlike roller coasters - this one is FAR LONGER LASTING! And, in serving, I KNOW I am part of something that is making a difference - money spent for research for a Cure for Cancer... and lives encouraged in some way by connecting with each other... ah... that is FUN and ETERNAL...

Kinda sad that it took a year, but He was patient, until I “got it”! haha!

Ah… grace.

Best!

Breast Cancer 3-Days - Changing the World one step at a time...

Slogans.
Catch-phrases.
Rally cries.

Truth.

My heart resonates with the cries of those in battle with fear: fear of what may or may not be growing within them.

Surrounded by a cloud of bright eyes - gleaming with hope, longing for a better day:
    a cure
    a lifetime because of a cure
Surrounded by a cloud of sad eyes - gleaming with tears, hoping for a better day.
    less pain
    less chemo
    more hair
    healthy momma
    healthy papa
    a future together
    less pain watching a loved one in pain                                                                                                                                              or dying and not being able to do a darn thing about it...

Surrounded by a cloud of humanity pulsating with the waves of disease and chemotherapy and pain medicines and after-surgery healing and co-survivor coping...
    and all, yes, every one, connected in some manner by love...
    and every one, yes every single one, contributing to the fear and contributing to the hope (a myriad of combinations, thereof)...
    and all affected caught up in the conflicting emotions and beliefs that this ugly disease - CANCER - may overtake - all the while HOPING and PRAYING and BELIEVING that this ugly disease- CANCER- may be understood...
    and all affected fearing and hoping that in the research comes understanding  - and through understanding comes knowledge of the CAUSE - WHAT CAUSES CANCER(any factor - all factors)
    and all affected believing, hoping that when the CAUSE(es) is/are found then EVENTUALLY the CURE will not even be needed...

    and so the cycle goes - humanity connected.
    by fear
    by love

And so we, CONNECTED HUMANITY:
                 rather than MERELY watching from afar...
                 rather than MERELY crying, unseen, in the shadows of our loved ones...
                 rather than MERELY wringing our hands in frustration - longing to HELP, to MAKE A                                     DIFFERENCE
          we pick up our FEET and we step - hopefully, brightly into the future...
          we pick up our BANNERS and hold highly the PURPOSE of our fight: moms, sisters, partners,                             aunts, fathers...
    and we pick up our PACE and move head long toward the PROMISE -

united in the MISSION:  a world without CANCER...

and we do it:

one dollar
one step
at
a
time.

That is the Breast Cancer 3-Day.

That is...

HOPE...

That

is

LOVE.

Somebody's daughter carries "hope" for The Cure ...to eternity

She: 21, beautiful, athletic (basketball, softball), National Honor Society, multiple award recipient, loving, kind-hearted, majoring in Special Ed (tender heart for special kids) and this young woman was so passionate for The Cure that she participated in numerous "Cure" events and had this tattoo permanently placed on her shoulder (my son was the tattoo artist)...

Visiting friends in Florida, and walking on the shore of an agitated ocean, this beautiful young soul became the 5th victim of Tropical Storm Fay...

Her momma, Lynn, has weathered her own storms, through her life, but none so violent as the loss of her beautiful baby, Rachel.

As a mother I grieve for Lynn.
As a mother I'm reeling from the shock of the loss of a "good" kid - there are no answers to the "whys"...
As a breast cancer activist - I mourn the loss of a "sister in the fight" and commit to pick up her "banner" and continue on with even more resolve- in honor of this warrior child...

It is with HOPE that we carry on - in loving memory of Rachel Reed, 21.

No breast cancer. Fibroids, yes. NO cancer. Bye bye caffeine...

I know my breasts - all the lumps & bumps... this was different. This was painful.  This was scary, and this was self-induced... caffeine.

Therefore, I can make changes and say good-bye to painful lumps...

And good-bye to the fear of breast cancer - (ugly fear, by the way)

...on to the 3-Day in 3days!!!!

(Still reeling from the great news)

10 mile Breast Cancer 3-Day training walk in 30 minutes...

...but I'd really like to curl up back in bed, but I can't sleep, so why try.  Have been up since 3:45 am researching breast cancer.

This internet thing has gotten out of hand.

I have an old set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica in my storage room.  Bought them to circumvent college and read through to educate myself ( ah, the glow of pot.)    Actually, they're now 32 years old and look brand new - as in - virtually unopened.

So, obvious that I'm no more educated by the $800.00 set (although beautifully bound with gold edges) than before the purchase (like me standing in a garage all day going "vroom, vroom" will still not make me a car) - I find my need to glean information - thirst really- quenched by spending awfully, ridiculous amounts of time going here and there in search for "more input".

Training & fund raising for the 08 Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day (08/08/08) my world has been consumed with educating myself with breast cancer information, facts, risks, yada, yada, yada...

One of my team mates was recently told by her doctor that she's getting "ideas in her head" from the 3-day about her body.  Hmmm really?  You mean that painful lump is from reading the Komen website, and could have nothing to do with the fact that I HAVE A PAINFUL LUMP???

So, while in training for the many miles to walk, in a row (60 in 3 days) I've discovered that hmmm I have soreness in one breast.  So change bras - I'm right in between cup sizes & hard to fit all this loose skin - cup too big - no support - can cause pain?  cup too small - squished - can cause pain?  Okay, well during BSE (breast self exam) and discovering a lump, oh and puckering, oh and slight nipple discharge -classic symptoms of breast cancer (is there such a thing) ...

All this to say - I am waiting for results from one test, while waiting to have 2 more tests this next week while waiting to walk in the breast cancer 3-day while thinking I have breast cancer.

And I've got nothing more to say about the matter...

so I'll go walk...

and then research some more.

Long walking eats up...

hours, feet, builds bodies, eats up hours (worthy of a second mention), and is a must if I'm going to succeed in walking my 2nd Breast Cancer 3-Day this August 8 - 10, in Chicago.

Personally, in order to get long miles in, I've sometimes had to break it up in the day:  9 miles am, 8 pm or 12 am & 4 pm...  this season is difficult for sure, but when looking at my new friend, Patty B.'s life, right now, it puts my "stuff" into perspective...

A week ago, yesterday (Monday) Patty's port-a-cath insertion punctured her lung, didn't know it until she was beginning round 2 of chemo & couldn't breathe..xray then showed what had happened.. numerous times hospitalized in the last week & a day ...the hole kept getting bigger - lung collapsed late last week - she's home now - weak - FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE.... literally.

Patty was told, at the diagnosis of breast cancer, that the type she has is Sarcoma.  And the type she has has less than 1% survival rate.

Less than 1% survival.

Lesser people would give in. Patty's choosing to fight...  Her survival rate has now been elevated to over  40%... She's choosing LIFE! or is trying to...

...and I'm moaning about how hard walking is - not so much the walking,
but making the TIME to do so...practicing for 60 miles in three days
is a huge undertaking - even BEFORE attempting  to WALK
60 miles in 3 Days...

I keep thinking "what's the big deal about walking 60?  we've made the money (or committed to it) in order to walk, they can take the $$'s and send it researcher's way..."

...then I think about those whose lives we represent:
the ones we are walking for  because they are no longer here...
the ones we are walking for because they're here, but too sick and can't
the ones we watched suffer - the ones we love still- and long to DO SOMETHING to make it better...

and then I remember "WHY" we walk.

We walk because, as the 5 or 6 of us training and fund raising in the community as Warriors in Pink  have seen - PEOPLE NOTICE, it RAISES AWARENESS, and builds solidarity - visibility in events, and walking en mass creates a POWERFUL STATEMENT of "issue, concern, passion, and longing to make a better world"...

We walk - because we can.

Then we make plans for childcare and struggle to make the miles / hours...

We spend too much money on gear that will help us endure, protect our feet & hopefully keep West Nile Virus bugs off of our hopefully non-chafed , oft achy, weary, bodies -

Then, once back home, we try making up for the time spent away from our families, by overdoing attention and affection when we really want to just 'BE" or zone out - just REST...

...and we look toward a near future, when all this really culminates - when it matters... when the walk is in progress and we're caught up in the tide of humanity - in the swell of emotion and passion and purpose...

...and we look farther down the road, to a day, a time, a world where our children only hear those words that strike fear into the hearts of even the strongest of people (_________  cancer)  - the day- yes THE DAY , when they only READ THOSE WORDS in a classroom in a school (or home!) from a HISTORY BOOK ...

...and we will look back and know that we were part of something far bigger than ourselves, and our own agendas and lives... we invested our blood, sweat and tears into a legacy of health for our children and their children's children...

...and it will have all been because we laced up our shoes and took the first step...

...that is a legacy worth walking for.

Ink for Pink - for the Breast Cancer 3-Day! --Tattoo Raffle--!!!

...for the CURE!

Nationally featured (Tattoo Magazine), acclaimed Tattoo artist: David Allen of Bluebird Tattoo, Portage, IN, has donated a $200.00 value tattoo for the Cure!

200 max raffle tickets to be sold (1 in 200 chance to win!)

$5.00 donation to my site link below = 1 raffle ticket (I'll email you your raffle ticket number to your provided email addy) entry in order of donation email time stamp.

Raffle drawing will be Saturday, July 26 by www.Random.org, "Random sequence generator" draw.

Must be 18 to enter raffle, winner must present ID.

Check out David's stunning work:
(at Bluebird: http://www.bluebirdtattoo.com/gallery.php then click on "David Allen")
(personal blog site: http://www.allentattoo.com/gallery/index.php )

Again: each $5.00 donation to my 3-day page = 1 Raffle ticket number assigned to you (given by email - so make sure to provide email addy!)

SITE LINK:
http://08.the3day.org/goto/JudyGehrels


email for questions, comments:
jgehrels@comcast.net

Family members not eligible to win. (stink!)

Living in Alzheimer's land while obsessing in 3-Day land

There is a direct correlation between the thief "memory loss" in my dear family and the amount of time I spend buried into breast  cancer awareness, fund raising, team building , community involvement and training for the Chicago Breast Cancer 3-day in August.

I don't know the term for taking the stress/ emotional upheaval I feel for every moment THEY stress over not remembering what day it is or how to write a check - and pouring it (my stress) into action by totally DIVING into another world.

Obsessing, really.  Why don't I OBSESS about memory loss?  Or aging? 

Could be living it one more moment than is necessary is more overwhelming than imaginable.
Could be my puny human mind cannot take one more moment of it than necessary (I think that was redundant)
(see?)

You see, that's it.

"Alzheimer's Land" is a land of repetition.
I said, "Alzheimer's Land" is a land of repetition.
...repetition.
over and over again, which is, of itself, repetition.
alot.
see, there again, is repetition.

Diving into community activism re: breast cancer awareness and fund raising -  is new! exciting! invigorating! Passionate! Hope for the future! Faith for the cure!

Maybe I just need help...
Maybe I just need help...

hmmm... definitely.

Carrie's fight continues... breast cancer is on the attack

Carrie - beautiful, blonde wife and momma, updated her CaringBridge Blog --- it's not good...

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2008 05:17 PM, CDT

                                                    

"Today I went to the doctor and found out the results of my PET scan. The cancer is growing. It is advancing in the bones. I am in severe pain most of the day and night.

I start chemo tomorrow. I will be having 2 kinds, Taxotere and Xeloda. The Taxotere is tolerable but the Xeloda has some pretty bad side effects.

I wish I had better news. There is one positive thing though. The cancer still remains in the bones and has not hit the soft tissue.

I wanted to update.  Sorry it has been so long but it was a long waiting period.

Love to you,

Carrie"

Okay, I don't know about you, but my heart is breaking for Carrie and her family.   This stinking thief (breast cancer)  is robbing  her of her health and is robbing her family of HER!

When the cure?
Where the cure?
How the cure?
Please, the cure, Lord...but until then, we fight, we raise AWARENESS and we RAISE FUNDS for breast cancer research and health initiatives.

Please - for Carrie - for Abby-Jill, for the Karen's (age 48 stage 3 - 4 kids) for Linda (breast cancer 2x - Radiation began yesterday) for YOUR loved ones past and present... please give and please pray... 
                                            

16.5 weeks till 3-Day and I'm s'posed to walk? like now?

I don't know what part of the word "training" I forgot about this season, but it dawned on me "gee I'm hosting a training walk Saturday, I should walk some before I get there". 

It's not that I"m not interested in walking . Last year I learned that walking gave me such a sense of freedom.  Nice 3.5 mph pace - yet I felt like my body became a "flying machine" - the freedom of being able to carry myself anywhere I set my eyes to.

Amazing.  Truly a gift from God, these machines He made... this machine has lost 13 lb in approx 5 days - from sick, so sick and no fluids or food.

I'm a physical mess.

Oh, and today was my 52nd birthday.

My, beautiful daughter-in-love made AWESOME healthy soup that I devoured and felt a semblance of beginnings of life in the form of baby-bursts of energy ...   the brief visit from son,dilove,grandbabylove was such a gift -in itself - let alone that they spent too much money on XBox American Idol game! we'll have fun - family singing, fun.

And my oh-too-patient husband surprised me with 8gig mp3 player.  I'm shocked. More than that I'm incredibly touched at how concerned he was over my ill health, especially these last 2 or 3 days...

October 01 I was given 6 - 8 hours -HOURS to live - I was dying from double Pulmonary Embolism.  Both lungs.  Suffocating and causing such strain on my heart.  9 days in ICU & 10 days in cardiac care -released to begin a new life - one where I appreciated each breath...

Wow. Each breath is a gift.  Looking back, I've overcome so much... even what has faded can so easily come back into focus with a reminder and it feels so fresh, once again.  And so painful.  Those days in ICU when it was touch and go, my husband looked into the face of a wife who statistically should not be there  (most double PE patients die).   Weak and frail.

My husband looked at me through those eyes yesterday.  I could read it there.  Bless his precious heart.  I take him so for granted.  And this life.  And each breath.  And  each step.

Walking in the 3-Day last year was a miracle for me, on so many levels.  Alive to walk. Breathing.  These 2 weeks of sick may have weakened me, and sidetracked my training, but the reality is - I will train, when I am stronger.  I will, again, be so grateful that this machine is still humming.  We walk in the 3-Day for HEALTHY BODIES - health from breast cancer, yes, but  - ultimately for HEALTH.

I won't feel guilty and push myself stupid to walk when I'm not fueled. or hydrated. or when I'm so sick.  Not even for an "official training walk".  Those who show  will get a map of the square.  My buds/teammates will carry on when I reach my limit.  It is what it is.

And when I'm stronger... I'll walk...because I can.

Help! What do I do now?

I overdo.

Overwhelmed with life, I've been seeking refuge in passionately pursing awareness and funds for breast cancer research. Focused and driven and plowing ahead in fund raising event planning fury, I found myself grinding to a halt this week.

Sick, 102 fever, deep chest cough, no energy.
Oh, but that was nothing compared to the numerous late night, always inconvenient, phone calls I received throughout the week.

"I'm disabled, I had a truck run over my head. I've got pins in my ankles.  I was assigned to your team.  I can walk 10 miles.  I think.  My *&^%^ doctor won't give me a donation, I'm going to get pink tanks and socks and I've raised $10,200. and I dont want to walk alone. I could have joined a closer team but I would feel out of place (different culture) with "them"."

"So you have pins in your ankles now? How can you walk?"

"Oh, no, not now. I can't walk early morning because I need to take my anxiety medicine and it takes an hour to work, and do they have electric because I need a nebulizer, and I've still got walking pneumonia - I do smoke,too, can't quit".

Okay - all in about 2 breaths and I'm still stunned to this moment days later.

My heart is breaking.  What part of this person is "the least of these" that Christ talks about ("as you do to the least of these you do to Me")?  When do I run, not walk, to the nearest exit and pretend I'm not here when she calls again and again and always at really weird socially inappropriate times (10:45pm?).  My co-team captain told her (yes, she is also getting relentless calls) her mother-in-law's funeral was Saturday.  It was met with "I didn't call to get your sad news. I have some questions".

All the answers are available to her online or by phone call. Repeatedly we have told her to make the phone call to the right people.

I want to cry.
Scream.
Frustrated.
I'm no longer having fun.
I want to quit.
I won't.
But I want to flee.
When is "no" okay?
No answers here, just realizing the team is only as strong as it's weakest link.  Now, if that link appears to be "in need" - man, o, man this awesome team will (and is) step up to help.

However, when someone comes in pushy, pushy, grating, could care less about us, I want to nip it in the bud.

Just trying to figure out my next move, my responsibility ...

All I know is that "help!!" is the only word in my head right now...

Keeping the flame... in the breast cancer fight...

When Abby-Jill moved out of her "earth suit" into her HEAVENLY one and is now TRULY "dancing with the stars" , she left behind a world that was made far better by her contributions to it.

I, for one, who has been proud (first mistake...)of being a "passionate person" in this beautiful "life dance", soon realized that my "passion" paled, by comparison to Abby-Jill's.

My team mate, Scott C., was fund raising and walking in her honor.   I met her in person, during  the August 07, Breast Cancer 3-Day .  That day my life was permanently and INSTANTLY marked by her flame which burned deeply into my heart and mind. Passion? I had truly found what "passion" looked like... and it surely didn't look like me.

Debbie (Abby-Jill's sister) TIARA-wearing Abby-Jill (of course!) and their momma - day 3 - 2 miles from finish line!

How can someone who ,1.5 weeks prior, had fluid drained from her lungs, and who - just 5 days earlier had had chemotherapy - walk, laugh, walk, hug, embrace, laugh,  love, walk, giggle, jiggle, dance, dance, dance to the music that was in HER head.

So here's the thing: since having been "torched" (yes "torched" , "sparked by flame") by Abby-Jill, I've, unwittingly, become a Breast Cancer fighter-no-that's-not-a-strong-enough-word...WARRIOR.

Now look: what I didn't see were the tears. the hair loss.  the swelling. the pain, the agony, the horror that this disease caused as it created havoc in her body and consumed her.  Her loved ones did.

I grieve for her loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine - to feel their enormous loss...

But I can feel for them, and I can create a stir to cause awareness and, hopefully, generate just a little bit of concern and compassion from an ambivalent world...

And so,  I wear pink.  It's not because I like pink- pink - is a girly, good-girl, prissy-stinking color. .  More tom-boy than prissy, I'm more fond of chocolate and green and all things "earthy" - ...

Sadly, pink, in our current CULTURE often represents MARKETING MANIA at the expense of the pain, the sorrow, the struggle, the fight for life - that breast cancer causes.

Breast cancer is a killer.

Abby-Jill died at 43.

We were robbed.

Aunt Mildred Kirby (nee McCallister) died at 48.

We were robbed.

Breast cancer is a thief: stealing health and finances and time with loved ones.

There is nothing "pink" about it.

Pink won't bring 'em back.

May we not lose sight of what the battle really is.
May we continue to educate ourselves and refuse to "play in Pink".
Rather, may we use this nasty color to cause a stir, and in doing so, enrage a world that so complacently accepts wigs and drawn-on eyebrows as a way of making a cancer-ridden-patient "feel better"...

May we ask the questions... the difficult questions:

Early detection saves lives?
Early detection of something that is rampant - WHY IS IT RAMPANT?  WHY?
What factors cause cancer to begin with?
What chemicals in our environment, food, water contribute?

Find the contributing factors, then we don't need to "detect" anything...

Sigh.

And as nauseating and distasteful as it is, if wearing stinking PINK will create a stir that causes someone to ask me what's up  - I am willing to wear stinking PINK...

And so I walk - and always, always walking in memory of those who have lost their fight with this ugly disease , in honor of those who battle and in support of those whose lives are personally affected by it.

The flame of life that Abby-Jill had, that was extinguished in her death caused by breast cancer - carries on in those of us who refuse to sit by and allow breast cancer to take all of our loved ones...

without a fight.

Carrie's fight is for her life...

Carrie :blonde, beautiful, young, wife, mother of 2 gorgeous girls, Stage IV Cancer with metastisis to the bones - Carrie is a local Fighter!

She writes:

"Well, where do I start?

I was originally diagnosed in 1999 shortly after Jenna was born with stage 2, 3 positive nodes, estrogen receptor+. I was just 30 years old at the time. I had the usual chemotherapy Adriamyacin with Cytoxin, Taxol, radiation, then Tamoxifin.

Tamoxifin failed me miserably. I had pain walking in the fall of 2002 which turned out to be mets to the pelvis and spine. I had radiation, Zoladex, Arimidex, and Zometa. Tumor markers and PET scans have declared me to have no active cancer to date. I am so very grateful for that !

In the spring of 2004, Zoladex was not as effective. I started menstrual cycles again. I had a complete hysterectomy including ovaries.

I can no longer do many physical activities due to severe nerve damage and herniated disks (a side effect from zoladex).

The cancer has returned in November of 2007. It is in the entire spine, ribs, neck, collar bone, and possibly legs. I do not yet know what treatment I will receive. I will update when I find out.

LOVE,

Carrie

And just yesterday, she wrote:

"Sadly the tumor markers rose 10 points and the bloodwork is showing that the cancer is increasing in the bones.

They retested yesterday to make sure there was no mistake. I have to go for a PET scan this coming week and see my doctor on Friday."

My heart breaks for the precious "Carrie's" affected by this ugly disease... for the daughters and sons watching their mothers hurt and lose hair and vibrancy...for the husbands who long to kiss their wives and make those hurts / those pains go away and who try not to think about a future without "her" in it... who try to be strong but who's worlds are turned upside down with each new test result a little bit worse than the last, or a good test result and wondering "how long will  she  SEEM healthy".  And God forbid we think anything BUT health - but always, always deep in the backs of our minds the truth is -  the disease is a thief.

Join me in my quest to make a difference...   Your donation to Susan G. Komen for the Cure will activate top research scientists to continue in their tireless effort to find a cure.  Your donation will help me raise my goal and will allow me to participate in the WALK - 60 miles in 3 days, Chicago 8 - 10, 08.  Your donation enters you into the Warriors in Pink "family" of passionate fighters who long for the day when this disease will only be found in a HISTORY BOOK... so that the Carrie's of our world will no longer be drained in this fight.

Thank you for your support and for your prayers...

It knows no boundaries...

or ethnicities (although African American women are acutely underserved) this horrid disease - a non-respecter of persons - has come to "steal, kill and destroy"...  This read truly paints a poignant, global picture-

Whatever Country

(for Talma Zoiberman of Petach Tikvah, Israel 1941-1994)

You won't share the pleasure of impatience at the post office waiting to exchange air letters or watch the dark and light faces of postal clerks and wonder what secrets they harbor while hoping for what's possible in your country--any country; no more Feldenkreis, picnics in the Galilee to which you carry linen cloths, forks, roasts, felafel, cooked corn, to spread elegance admist terrorism You won't write eager to know the best seller or phone at two a.m. to say we'll meet in Spain where we'll shop for two Sephardic Stars of David.  The last time I saw you, I arrived from California with a crystal which you wouldn't accept unless I too brought back your locket to my country You hung it around my neck Your strong frame set against your dark hair and full lips red with lipstick from the States pouring forth perfect English flavored with Hebrew gutturals In your small flat you cooked that enormous dinner though your arm was huge and swollen from that disease you would not name.  We laughed with Saturday night pleasure after the Sabbath had allowed you to rest Today it is time to tear the roof from the post office, and trill my tongue the way I learned how to wail of loss in your land this time not for holy wars but from that disease every woman dreads in any country where she may live.

© 1994, Elaine Starkman

Woman. Mother. Wife. A Poem of loss...

read slowly.  carefully.  breathe in humanity... and weep...     then join the fight...

Breast Cancer 3-Day

  

WHAT WAS LOST

What fed my daughters, my son Trickles of bliss, My right guess, my true information, What my husband sucked on For decades, so that I thought Myself safe, I thought love Protected the breast. What I admired myself, liking To leave it naked, what I could Soap and fondle in its bath, what tasted The drunken airs of summer like a bear Pawing a hive, half up a sycamore. I'd let sun eyeball it, surf and lakewater Reel wildly around it, the perfect fit, The burst of praise.  Lifting my chin I'd stretch my arms to point it at people, Show it off when I danced.  I believed this pride Would protect it, it was a kind of joke Between me and my husband When he licked off some colostrum Even a drop or two of bitter milk He'd say You're saving for your grandchildren. I was doing that, and I was saving The goodness of it for some crucial need, The way a woman Undoes her dress to feed A stranger, at the end of The Grapes of Wrath, A book my mother read me when I was Spotty with measles, years before The breast was born, but I remembered it. How funny I thought goodness would protect it. Jug of star fluid, breakable cup-- Someone shoveled your good and bad crumbs Together into a plastic container Like wet sand at the beach, For breast tissue is like silicon. And I imagined inland orange groves, Each tree standing afire with solid citrus Lanterns against the gleaming green, Ready to be harvested and eaten.

From The Crack in Everything (University of Pittsburgh Press, 1996)

© 1996, Alicia Ostriker

Gallery of Breast Cancer Inspired Art

Love, love, love. Love is all you need!

I've been a Christ follower for 26 years, now.

I'm finally getting that He longs for me (us) to love, love, love.  And I'm also finally getting that love, love, love comes in many different "faces".

Currently deeply embedded in event planning for raising awareness and, ultimately, funds for the Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day , I find myself surrounded by and partnering with a world/community  who long(s) to love and serve and more closely resemble Him by heart and in deed and by ACCIDENT, than I do, by "design".

Fund raiser extraordainare,  Lorry, has built a hospital wing and has raised tens of thousands of dollars for premature births.  Lorry saw her workplace was pitching "old food" and promptly called the local "meals on wheels" to pick up the left overs on a daily basis.   She volunteers time, effort & money to breast cancer (in support of and in honor of family members), while actively working in support of Relay for Life.  Energetic.  Vibrant.  Serving community.

Wow, how beautifully she resembles Him.

Though, I don't think she realizes it's "Him" she looks like.  Or even who "He" is. (yet)

And there are others.  So many other "Lorry's" who serve the world, tirelessly, because the world needs help, more, loved, the world needs love, love, love.

So many of my years spent within the walls - the building OF the "church".  So many years serving the "body of the church".  Loving them, growing them.  Maybe those years have better prepared me for what my community - the world OUTSIDE of the building- really needs.  Maybe those years were spent serving those who call Him by name, so that I would deeply realize how desperately I needed to serve, love DO something OUTSIDE of the building.  I'm getting that I AM the "church" and where I go , she goes (the bride, the church).  HE goes.  Who I touch - HE touches.

Lorry has inspired me.  Lorry has touched me. 

Thank so much Lord, for showing me Yourself through this one who doesn't even realize how closely she "resembles" You.

Oh God, may I continue to seek and find You in such amazing, beautiful, unexpected places...

Abby-Jill: face of a servant, eyes of God.

When driven by love, the world becomes smaller.  As hearts grow bigger, eyes see no stranger. 

And so is the world Abby-Jill lived in: her eyes saw potential, her mouth spoke hope, her heart beat with unconditional love.  How well she resembled the One she so loved, whom she served, Lord Jesus.

There is a story in this picture.  Abby-Jill, hands placed on the pot, ready to serve the hungry - praying for the food and those ready to receive it. Those who shared moments like these  with her---my heart breaks for you.

This lovely beauty pouring herself into this little child. 
Those of you who shared moments like this with her... my heart mourns for you.

 

Abby-Jill (hand up in VICTORY!) (and her team: Abby's Hope, and my team mate and I) as she completed 18+ miles on day 3 of 07 Chicago Breast Cancer 3-Day.  Walking victoriously into closing - her goal was completing the event and participating in Survivor Circle.  Walking, encouraging, loving her fellow participants (walkers & crew alike) we walked in the presence of Someone that seemed more like Christ and less like Abby-Jill .  What little I knew of her she would poo-poo that idea - but walking with her I knew Christ, Himself, was empowering her.  We all knew He was giving her strength and hope and purpose.  We knew He whom she so faithfully reflected and served - truly revealed Himself time and time again as we observed her touching His children during this 3-Day event. What little I know of Abby-Jill - it was just her "doing her thing".

I've learned how important Hope is in affecting attitude in adversity- through Abby-Jill. She taught me so much in such little time...

I'm most certain, that those who surrounded her, through her short 43 years, became "the most important people" in her heart. Every family member, every friend, every "stranger" she served - she loved, she served, she celebrated.

"Lord, as you don't have to allow us to enjoy the vibrant colors of Fall leaves before trees go dormant... and You don't have to allow Spring to delight our senses with new-oh-so-fragrant-fragile-shoots-of-life as we transition into the warmth of Summer... so You don't have to place people in our lives that so well reflect Your very nature, Your loving heart... yet You do and You have. Thank You for your Son, Jesus, and His unbelievable "completed task" - for me, for us. I am most grateful. That is so much more than enough. Yet You chose to gift me - to gift us - with loved ones.  Thank You.  Thank You for your handmaiden, Abby-Jill,  and the privilege of knowing You more - through her.  Thank you.  

Now, Abby-Jill, out of her "Earth suit" and in her heavenly one, it's likely she's cracking you up with her goofiness, dancing and smiling and causing a Holy-Party! and is organizing something up There, I'm almost certain. Until we see You "clearly", Lord, may we be found faithful, and may we continue Your legacy Lord, as Abby-Jill so demonstrated to Your world.

So, Lord, I dedicate this song to You, in honor of You and Your impact in my life and in honor of Abby-Jill and her "team":

"I will never be the same again.  I will never return, I've closed the door.  I will walk the Path , I will run the race and I will never be the same again.  Fall like Fire, soak like Rain, flow like mighty waters, again and again.  Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff, and let the flame burn, to glorify Your name! I will never be the same again.  I will never return, I've closed the door.  I will walk the Path , I will run the race and I will never be the same again. No, I will never be the same, again..."

In Memory of Abby-Jill — We Will Miss You- Part 2

(excerpt from post-3-day walk -  8/20/07)

"When people are passionate about a "cause" and the passion is fueled by LOVE, there are no strangers! I met co-laborers who quickly became my "family" and "close friends" who loved largely and expressed joy so easily. The world as it should be - all sitting in the late afternoon sun, waiting to take a shower and hang out in their pj's, chatting as if we were buds from high school.

...

I found myself surrounded by strangers who needed to hug / thank me (hug fest) and I was moved - dramatically changed, affirmed ... wow.  (Abby-Jill - "sun princess cancer survivor/fighter" & her team "Abby's Hope"- danced and rejoiced and exhibited pure, uninhibited JOY - LIFE in ACTION! They warmly included me into the "fold" and we sweated & wiggled to the music until lights out at 9:00!)

...

My team mate (Scott Coker) and I joined Abby-Jill and her team for breakfast and decided to spend the day as ONE team. Scott was walking and fund raising in her honor. We determined to walk victoriously into closing together, he with swollen, hurting groin, me with my strained right knee. We collected ourselves and began the day.

Abby-Jill walked. She laughed and giggled. She asked me how my sore, sore knee was and I had FORGOTTEN that I couldn't walk, the day before - it was gone - no pain, no strain - totally gone! Abby-Jill claimed and loudly exclaimed that I had been healed ! (She was RIGHT!!!) She laughed with her squeaky voice (HELIUM WOMAN! medicine affected her voice - I actually didn't realize it was "squeaky" -she sounded AWESOME - to me! :)

Abby-Jill walked (Abby from previous post -8/17/07 I've gotta tell about her again - she's a walking miracle!) And walked. And walked. A real trooper. She walked when we KNEW she should take a van but she was determined. Every crossroad she'd stop, stretch and cough - so deeply - we hurt for her.

She'd stand and face forward and she walked some more. 

(Courage in action.  Faith in action.  Christ empowered her and I got the PRIVILEGE of observing it. How amazing...)

Abby-Jill was determined to walk to closing to be part of the "survivor ceremony".

She made it.

We walked across the finish line at 4:30 p.m. - hand in hand, arm in arm - victorious. My little blister "boo-boo" put into perspective by her amazing strength, courage and passion to squeeze each drop out of life that she could - squeeze and drink deeply (was easier than breathing...)

She is my hero.

I have so many, now.

The weekend was a blur - a big 'ol, pink, cozy, loving, amazing blur... and believe it, or not - there are more thoughts, more words."

Already registered for next year, I'm building a team of Warriors in Pink who long to make a difference one step, one dollar, one breast cancer fact at a time: every 3 minutes someone receives a diagnosis of breast cancer.  every 13 minutes breast cancer takes a life.  1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer...

How can we ignore the facts?   
I can't.  I just can't.

And so...I walk..."

...and so I walk.

In MEMORY of Abby-Jill.  In support of her grieving family.  We, Warriors in Pink, with renewed purpose, face the future with our eyes on Hope. Eyes on the Cure.  We raise awareness. We raise vital funds for research for the Cure.  We raise our compassionate "war cry" - "we fight until the battle's won - until then --- we fight".

It's the best and the very least we can do - for all the "Abby-Jills"...

God may You be glorified in this fight. May You give wisdom, knowledge and direction to your people in their quest to find the cure... Please give Your divine PEACE in the midst of these storms of life.  We trust You, lift our eyes to YOU and know Your will - WILL be done... may we be found faithful...
(as I know Abby-Jill has already heard: "Abby-Jill, you've been a good and faithful servant"...)