Struck by this quote today:
“Sometimes a gal needs a vacation from who she really is.”
Cedar Rapids (2011) Joan Ostrowski-Fox (Anne Heche)
Initially, upon reading and dissecting it's intent, I pictured only wanton carrying-ons completely different than who I really am... but upon further contemplation have seen far more truth to it than I'd realized. However, in exact OPPOSITION! I need to RETURN to who I "really am"!!!!
Who I've become - is NOT the "real me".
In assessing and reassessing, I would have to agree, that I truly do need a vacation from the girl who has dwelled within this Earthsuit the past few years. This girl is one who has visited stress and fear and overwhelm far more than she has ever been accustomed to. These places I've visited - since 2007 have become all -too-familiar "friends" (gee with friends like these who needs enemies!!!) and have left residual crud upon my normally-upbeat mind.
I need a PERMANENT vacation from this girl!
I need to return to the real girl who has been suppressed for far too long. While during these challenging days/years I've had multiple snippets of abundant life! and joy! and peace! through people on the planet - amazing people who have enriched my life beyond measure: family, friends - who through unexpected Kairos / God moments have hit me at the most random of times. It was these moments where I've been reminded that I am held and loved - and am truly not alone. yes!
Getting away from this current girl is a process, for sure. Awareness of the emotional holes I've dug for the past few years is the first step in climbing out of them! WOW , am I aware! and boy are there some well-dug holes!
A few years back I would have been one of the first to tell someone in a similar frame of mind: "joy is not related to your circumstances - there can be Joy regardless- rise above!"
Yep just hit 'em with a quick fix and run. gross
What did Christ, Himself, do when met with grieving family of a brother who was his dear friend? He grieved with them first - empathized WITH them - he FELT their pain ... then He proceeded to raise Lazarus from the dead!
Here I am, an older dog learning a new trick. (Yes! it IS possible!)
The significance of what I've learned is transforming for sure : when pain or struggle is "shared" (spoken) it's usually not shared with the intent of seeking to receive an answer of "how to FIX" the issue. A "how to" (we think we have to supply) is akin to applying a band-aid over a festering wound and is NOT empathy or healing. It is simply the equivalent of waiting 30 minutes for the doctor, who finally enters the room - leaving! then gives us 2 minutes to describe what brought us there to begin with, being interruped mid-stream, being handed a "prescription" , dismissed, with doc walking out, left alone with the dizzying thought: "what!?!?" and exiting to pay the co-pay - with no more clarity or peace than we felt when arriving . (haven't we all been there???)
I have not needed to know HOW to overcome the dark cloud I've invited to hover... I needed to SEE the Hope and Light and Joy! in others in order to recognize what I've been missing and yearning for.
Wow...
For all those of you who have touched me - in so many ways: laughed with, loved on, encouraged, spent time writing notes of "wow, I'm so sorry and am praying for", or picked up the phone to text or call me out of nowhere to tell me you were thinking of me and loved me : THANK YOU.
For those who have spoken to me with such tenderness and thoughtfulness and offered yourselves to be or do anything that would help when I don't even know what to be or do: THANK YOU!
For those of you who have nudged me with "hang on!", "you can do this!" and "you matter to me": THANK YOU!
For all you who have looked EXACTLY like Christ to me - as tender hearted, loving, hand-holding, heart-touching Servants: THANK YOU!
Through you I have "seen the Light" and am returning to the Real "me".
While I'm sure, in this "land of caregiving" that I dwell in, that there will be even more challenges in store in the near future - I am confident, once again, that He has already surrounded me with exactly who I need in my life to shine hope and love right when it is most needed.
I declare now: I am commencing with VACATING the crud which will, indeed, be a most welcome VACATION! (and will better me for being HOPE to others!)
Cool.
Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.
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