No birthday candles.
No birthday cake.
No balloons.
No the same $20.00 passed from sister to sister in a "for my Sister" birthday card.
No celebration.
However...
...many tears
...much, so much pain
80 years today and the cancer cells are continuing to consume her now 68 pound body..bones are hurting so , so badly... lung tumor is growing causing labored breathing... now invading her brain, multiple fractures through her rib cage - bones compromised to the point of one wrong move could snap her little self...
...and she cries...
...deep, heart-wrenching sobs, shaking her little shoulders face pinched up in a howling wail of "I don't know what is happening to me!" " I hurt, I hurt..."
...and in one INSTANT she gathers herself and tries so hard to control herself - control her fear.
She tries so hard to remind her own mind that the worst part of these circumstances is her attitude about the circumstances...
...and the evil beast, Alzheimers, is keeping her from remembering just why she is dying...why she is now dependent on others as her caregivers after living her entire adult life - single, self-providing, never married, no children, always doing everything that needed to be done to give herself a good life...
and she tries and she tries this mental dance of "Mary - now stop this!"... (stop what? she forgets!)
HOW DO YOU BATTLE YOUR MIND WHEN YOUR MIND IS BATTLING YOU?
And yet, she regroups for yet one more round and says "I'm ready - I've lived a good life... I've had great friends, have traveled to Alaska, Panama Canal, took a trip with Darlene in Arizona - I'm content... I'm ready. I am so ready"...
...and then she forgets what she was saying and forgets why she is hurting (I must have fallen) as the tumor growing out of her bone is filling up her leg...
("honey, it's getting better then I can go home soon")
...
and I pray to God that, indeed, in His infinite wisdom - He allows her - please, God, please let her go "home"...
What kind of niece am I?
sad.
very sad.
and determined.
cancer is killing my loved ones.
alzheimers is killing my loved ones.
and I will do what I can to love them through this...
...and when they are gone - to help find / fund a cure.
but this hurts.
and
for this 80th birthday...there is no happy about it.
Picture of Mary Lou & I 1right before Christmas 2010... she was "rebounding" in a Hospice Center. They controlled her pain & the bugger began eating again! Stronger was moved to a nursing home... where she now resides getting the loving care and med she needs now that she is in final stages ... (I could not bring myself to show her now...) those sparkling eyes are the Mary I know.
Copyright 2011 J. Allen G.
...and this is the Judy that we all love! Thank you, my friend for going the distance with your family...for giving Mary Lou some of the dignity back that Alzheimers steals so slowly. I too remember my precious Mama, Julie and how she was reduced to such. It's so sad but I am thankful you are there for her and your loved ones offering them much needed love that they so deserve walking down this horrible path in their lives. The smiles one receieves is payment enough for the struggle we go through watching them suffer. Thanks Judy for giving of yourself! Much Love!!
Posted by: Deb Smith | February 08, 2011 at 08:53 AM