Down but not out

Okay so when I was 292 pounds

I suffered from achy feet.  No kidding (duh). Seriously achy feet.  Went to podiatrist (who shall remain nameless but in my hometown beginning with Fedorc...) who kindly fit me with $850.00 arch/orthotics, pretty much told me that with "circumstances" the way they were (toe deformity combined with extra weight) the shoe inserts should help and "dismissed" me and sent me on my way.  I wore those suckers. Shifted them from shoe to shoe - bought shoes the accomodate them - helped my achy feet, sore back and life went on- my feet still hurt... but I wore orthotics, dang it.

Walking, breaking chips of bone from by deformed big toe joint - bones chips healing and chipping away - many years - wearing orthotics (was so big, so much weight to "fix it" wouldn't really be effective - because, as previously stated the EXCESS WEIGHT!#!!@! ) (yes I am yelling. and maybe cussing, just a little)

Went to a gynecologist (yep,wore my orthotics!) one time,who looked at me, (went there because I was weak from bleeding like a stuck pig for a couple of weeks) and asked me " have you ever thought about going on a diet?".

Gee.

Nope, never really thought about it. Uh did I mention I can barely hold my head up from weakness? Oh what doc? a diet may help me lose weight? really? and I'm hemmoraghing because???

And no, I had never considered dieting.

I was so grateful to the bright young doctor for giving me such a fabulous idea. What's wrong with me? All he could see was my weight, what about why I broke my rule (no doctors! doctors = weigh in)? what about how to stop the blood loss??? Oh yeah, fat people have hormone issues - I was doing it to myself! Oh yeah, that makes sense...

Oh, let's talk about diets and losing REAL WEIGHT.  Oh yeah...

Oh, wait... what about those stinkin' diets I started in Junior High school - lose 20 gain 25, over and over and over.  Eat meat, no bread, meat and cheese and mild banana peppers for breakfast and lunch and dinner and lose, and lose and  so thin, hip-bone-showing-through-my-open-house-dress-thin - for my graduation - and still felt fat - and skipped meals for years and tried to exercise and over exercise and oh, I remember a marathon aerobic session - 3 times - 3 hours in a row and crashed and didn't eat anything but salad with no dressing and no meat and no beans and no nothing but lettuce and oh, I did a Bible study called Free to Be thin and oh I TAUGHT this study to 1 then 2 then 3 CLASSES of maybe 70 women who all had some form of faith in me, chubby me who was melting in front of their eyes, and trying, trying , trying to lose weight in a healthy way and  be healthy and live healthy and think healthy thoughts and then slipped and snuck one pound back and then two and then 100.... and then dropped out of sight because I led 70 women astray who probably gained back most of the weight They lost...(by my excellent example)

and I lost hundreds of pounds
and I regained hundreds of pounds
and no, dear doctor ob-gyn, gee I'd never thought about going on a diet.

        Fast forward 20 years.

Post op Gastric bypass - 9/6/01 - this pic was 1.5 years later - when I FIRST reached goal.  Went to a Gastric bypass patient "ball" - dozens of previously fat people who missed out on "proms", "balls", "dances" for a variety of reasons (most of them being SELF -CONSCIOUS and locked up inside the weight) (SIDE NOTE: for those who are heavy who are happy and balanced and emotionally healthy - YOU ARE MY HEROES!!  I wish I could have known you - I may have not become so WACKED OUT about being overweight..)

Dancing the night away my comfy shoes came off because I could barely walk in them - my foot, the one that was deformed - hurt hurt hurt, but I was determined to dance, dance, dance because - after all - I was FREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!  WEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7 years later and hundreds of miles walked I finally came to the conclusion that I had better get my deformed toe fixed.

I was no longer "morbidly obese".
It would no longer be "useless" to have the surgery - the surgery would probably really make a difference - the weight wouldn't sabotage the surgery effectiveness okay - I'll go for it!

Okay, my mind pushed the 1st podiatrist comments under.... way under...
Hurtful.
True.
Hurtful.
Killer hurtful.

I am sitting here with swollen foot, sawed off joint, rebuilt, drilled to create new cartilage, screw put in place, pain meds, anti inflammatory meds, walking boot and a heart that is forgiving, finally processing the hurt feelings and is now choosing to forgive that 1st doc who killed my heart. wounded my spirit.  I let him maime me...

Sitting here, no menstrual cycle for over 4 years, and I am finally, finally, finally forgiving the obgyn who hurt me. wounded me. I let him maime me, too.

I cannot begin to completely process the years of pain I endured as an obese person.
Comments
Stares
Compromised medical care.
I understand the pain of being judged by how I looked : fat = slothful, lazy, stupid.
Worse than the outside judging me - I was excellent at beating myself up.  No one could hurt me as completely as I could hurt myself...

Well, here I sit, foot iced and elevated and time to think.  A lot of time to think.  No TV, no radio, no outside interference... time to think, to process, and yes - time to forgive.

I forgive the podiatrist who refused to give me good medical care because of my weight.
I forgive the OB GYN wo neglected to give me good medical care because of my weight.

And today, I realize I need to forgive myself for having neglected my body and it's medical needs for so many, many years because of my weight.

This new day started many years ago.
The weight left 5.5 years ago.
The toe is repaired - as of  7 days ago.
My new self is a product of all I've encountered and experienced... and she is healthier now, than she's ever been.

She's free.
She's getting healthy.
She's getting rest.
She's receiving all the good stuff that comes with sitting comfortably in the Heavenly Father's arms  - on His lap - and allowing Him to guide me through more onion-skin-layers of healing....

Who knew this surgery would repair more than a deformed toe?
(I'm getting a new "heart" to boot!) (Walking  boot)
(Pun intended)

Comments

[Jennifer]

I look at the first picture and I see a woman who is happy. She's smiling. At what? Only she knows.

I look at the next picture. I see a poised and confident woman. She smiles as if to say, "I am someone".

And she is. And so was the woman before. And so is the woman now. Each picture represents something in her life.

I am so lucky and honored to know this woman now. Here. Right now.

She is a woman who is full of grace even in her weakest hour. She is confident beyond words. She is full of beauty inside and out. She has a lot to be proud of.

Remember, You can't pick yourself up, if you haven't fallen.

[Susan Biancotti/Desormeaux]

Judy, I loved you way back when and know, you were always the beautiful, confident, women regardless of what size your body is. Who has helped me emotionally and spiritually in my life, I will always Thank God for putting you in my path, I will always Thank You for your walk with God. You are awesome girl!
Sisters in Christ forever.